SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Male, 28 years together with my female partner but never married. 18 years ago discovered she had spent the previous 5 years being unfaithful with multiple ONS’s.

I tell myself/pray every day that I should forgive her, but I have never got my head around what forgiveness looks like. The fact that I’m tortured by it daily, and in turn torment her with my questions and generally giving her hard time about it, I think must mean I haven’t moved on and haven’t properly forgiven her.

She’s always maintained that she wants to stay together, and I’ve never really wanted to separate, more so since we now have two teenage kids, I can’t begin to think about dealing with the fallout for them.

But we’re both miserable and I’m now starting to think that the kindest thing I can do is leave, despite the monumental upheaval. I think if we separate then at least we don’t have to live through these emotions daily and can seek to satisfy our needs with others free of adverse thoughts of shame, embarrassment, inadequacy and guilt. Is that what forgiveness looks like? Moving on?

I agree that forgiveness is overrated People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me. If you work on letting go of the resentment in therapy for example, you can have the same outcome without having to give the offender the moral guilt alleviation.

I think if you're miserable you should divorce. Perhaps the middle ground would to be agreed that you stay together on paper only and both get your needs met free from one another. Basically a sham relationship. These situations can work in complicated family situations.

Has she shown remorse? Has she given you reasons?

If no kids were present would you have left already?

Several words come up over and over again on this site that I’m not sure anyone has a precise definition for; love, reconcile, forgive.

I don’t know what "forgive" means in the infidelity context.

Here’s what Webster says(heavily redacted)

1. to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

2 b : to grant relief from payment of
//forgive a debt

So, can you cease feeling resentment? Can you just decide that you’re going to stop feeling resentment, or is that something that just has to happen on its own? I don’t know.

How about granting relief from payment? A little more to work with, here.

What does she deserve? Your anger? Consequences?

Maybe you stop being mean, even though she deserves it. Don’t out her to family and friends, the community, even though she deserves it. Don’t punish her by leaving (leaving for your sake is ok), or take revenge, even though she deserves it.

Doesn’t seem fair, does it, doing things to help her, when she is the one who should be suffering the most.

Maybe that’s why it fits the definition of "forgiveness."

I don’t know. Wiser folks will come along.

What does 'forgiveness' mean to you? What action do you take to forgive?

For me it was giving up any desire for my W to be punished or for me to gain revenge. Forgiving in that sense was a non-event for me. I just woke up one day and realized I no longer wanted my W to suffer more punishment than she had already experienced.

I benefitted from not expending energy trying to figure out how my W could be punished without adding to my pain.

If my W was going to stop doing her work because I forgave her, I doubt I would have chosen R, or if I had chosen R, I'd have ended it.

Maybe you stop being mean, even though she deserves it. Don’t out her to family and friends, the community, even though she deserves it. Don’t punish her by leaving (leaving for your sake is ok), or take revenge, even though she deserves it.

Doesn’t seem fair, does it, doing things to help her, when she is the one who should be suffering the most.

Maybe that’s why it fits the definition of "forgiveness."

I don’t know. Wiser folks will come along.

I haven't done any of those things and never would. In fact I've never told a soul in 18 years and don't intend to. But as for forgiveness, I just can't 'enjoy' her, and being with her is becoming increasingly frustrating and painful for us both. Leaving for my sake will be painful, but I am so sure she will be free of me and happier without me in the long term.

I agree that forgiveness is overrated People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me. If you work on letting go of the resentment in therapy for example, you can have the same outcome without having to give the offender the moral guilt alleviation.

I agree. Maybe it's just a semantic argument, but the work and the healing I have done are for me. I don't stew in anger and resentment. I don't pick fights or throw his cheating in his face. I am maintaining peace for myself. But I cannot go a step further and call it forgiveness or give him that moral guilt alleviation. That would be counterproductive for me and my healing. It's on him to do the work to process and live with the guilt, just as it is on me to process and move forward through the pain and humiliation.

Moving on from the resentment doesn't mean that a BS is rolling over and telling the WS that what they did is okay. It doesn't mean that everything goes back to pre cheating circumstances. I have boundaries that are healthy and healing for me. I will never wear my original rings again, ever. Anniversaries are now low key events, and a this point I will not agree to a big celebration for the next big milestone. It's that balance of moving forward and working with relationship you have while and having parameters in place that you can live with.

DrSooler

People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me.

I know people who still bear a grudge against people who are dead. Or against people who have zero clue that someone is busy not-forgiving them. The guy who cut you off on the highway. Math teacher from 11th grade. Is that rational? If forgiving wouldn’t help you, who would it help?

WGOI, not-forgiving is as much an act as is forgiving. They both take work. You are continually bringing it up in your mind and generating the thoughts and emotions. You are daily spending time anti-forgiving.

What if you just aspired to do neither?

You've been tortured daily by it for 18 years and you're hesitant to end the marriage?

What exactly are you waiting for? What's the hold-up? Kids? Finances? Fear?

There is a difference between healing and forgiveness.

It appears, from your post, that your partner has not done things to make amends or shown true remorse. Has she shown you that YOU matter and that she is doing everything possible to help you heal?

It’s been 12 years since my H had his midlife crisis affair but yet we don’t discuss it only because it’s in the past. He answered questions for years and was willing to do everything and anything to make amends.

He regrets his choices and the fact that he cheated.

It took me years but I can see he is no longer the arrogant cheating jerk he was 12 years ago.

I healed as best I could from the trauma of his affair.

I wonder if your situation exists because you just don’t feel safe w/ her and are still unsure if she is or has been monogamous all these years (after you found out)?

@HouseOfPlane

To clarify, I'm pro letting go of resentment. I just see the distinction between this and forgiveness. I'm not suggesting that actively holding a grudge is helpful but likewise, I don't feel in order to move on you must face someone and alleviate their guilt by forgiving them. I can see the benefit of alleviating your partner's guilt if you are attempting what may be defined as true reconciliation but if you're either simply staying together or parting I don't feel it serves any benefit whatsoever.

I think PurpleMoxie is aligned exactly to what I'm saying

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 1:53 PM, Sunday, August 3rd]

I just see the distinction between this and forgiveness. I'm not suggesting that actively holding a grudge is helpful but likewise, I don't feel in order to move on you must face someone and alleviate their guilt by forgiving them.

Can we agree that it is possible to forgive a dead person? Or to forgive someone who harmed you that had no idea that you were harboring resentment, and probably wouldn’t care if you did?

Then by corollary, you don’t have to tell someone you’re forgiving them in order to forgive them. It doesn’t have to be a performative thing. It is not an event, like asking them to marry you was, with a date, time, and place. They don’t need to know that they’ve been forgiven. It’s not for them anyway.

If you define forgiveness as having to tell the other person you’ve forgiven them, then you are just boxing yourself out of a potential path to healing.

The core of my argument is this: while it's possible to let go of resentment toward someone internally—even if they are dead or unaware of your feelings—this is not the same as forgiveness. Letting go of resentment is a positive, internal act, but it's not a meaningful external one.

The English language is often imprecise, with words like "forgiveness" having multiple meanings depending on who you're talking to. I prefer to define forgiveness as the active process of forgiving someone to avoid this confusion

For example, if you tell a friend you've forgiven someone you had a feud with, they'll likely assume you've had a direct conversation with that person to express your forgiveness. They might ask, "When and where did you speak with them?" to which you'd have to reply, "Oh, I haven't spoken to them; I just forgave them within myself." To prevent this kind of misunderstanding, I've chosen to use distinct terms: forgiveness for the external act and letting go of resentment for the internal one.

Forgiveness should be earned by the WS. She hasn't done that, so naturally you haven't forgiven her.

"How Can I Forgive You" by Janice Spring is really good on this topic.

The English language is often imprecise, with words like "forgiveness" having multiple meanings depending on who you're talking to. I prefer to define forgiveness as the active process of forgiving someone to avoid this confusion

I agree that there are a lot of definitions of forgiveness.

People tend to believe that you have to forgive to move forward in a relationship, however it is defined. If you define forgiveness in a way that guarantees you’re never going to reach it, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

WGOI asked what forgiveness looks like. You are defining it in a way that is unachievable for him and sets him up for failure in trying to reach it. He is struggling to sit down and look his wife in the eye and say the words I forgive you. He doesn’t need to do that to help himself and to help ease his own pain.

When thinking about forgiving, it's critical to define the term

The distinction between internal and external actions is not made in Wikipedia, Psychology Today, Mayo Clinic, Harvard Health. None of the dozen or so writeups on forgiveness I've just looked at say or imply that one has to publicly forgive or tell the perpetrator that they have been forgiven. IOW, the stuff I've read say forgiveness is purely internal. At least one writeup (Psych Central) says forgiveness is 'letting go of resentment' - i.e. they are the same act not different ones.

IMO, the root of 'resentment' is anger. My own experience with resentment started when my kid brother started intruding on my own interests (which I guess was when my mom went away for his birth! ). My own resentment included lots of rumination, and it was a big heartache for me. Feeling the root anger was the way out of resentment for me, and I think it may work that way for others, so I recommend it.

Holding onto anger at one's WS is analogous to taking poison and hoping another person dies. Forgiving my W didn't do anything to alleviate her sense of guilt, and it certainly didn't do anything to change her knowledge of her responsibility for her A.

I gained some peace from forgiving my W, and I didn't have to trade anything away to get that peace.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:22 PM, Sunday, August 3rd]

I agree that there are many definitions of "forgiveness" and that is why this topic can be so complex. I never fully bought into the "forgiveness is for me" concept either. Releasing the resentment always felt more like "acceptance, letting go or moving on" to me. I viewed forgiveness as something interactive and not just internal. People "ask" for forgiveness and you "give" it to others. If they don’t know or don’t care, why bother?

Is "forgiving" a dead person really any less of a folly than holding a grudge against one?

I found an article that explains 3 types of forgiveness (and also includes apologies and actions by the offender that resonate with me)identified by Dr. Steven Marmer (hopefully, this isn’t against the solicitation rules here)that was an "aha" moment for me. I had been looking at forgiveness as "Exoneration" (likely Dr. Soolers and others look at forgiveness this way as well). The "forgiveness for me" falls more in the "forbearance" or "release" categories described below. Different types or even "levels" if you will. But ALL forgiveness at the core:

What is Forgiveness?

Psychologists define forgiveness as a deliberate decision to release feelings of anger, resentment, or vengeance toward someone who has hurt you. In contrast, "unforgiveness" is marked by a mix of bitterness, hostility, anger, and fear. Holding a grudge or aiming for revenge can sap our ability to find peace and happiness, but finding a way to forgive without giving up our principles is no easy task. However, if we can find a way to do so, we will reap many benefits. Studies have found that those who score higher on measures of forgiveness are less depressed, sleep better, use less medicine, have more energy, and enjoy improved cardiovascular health and better life satisfaction.

While we are all familiar with the word "forgiveness," it is actually inadequate in describing a very complex concept. In fact, Dr. Marmer suggests that forgiveness actually implies three different things, each of which applies to distinct situations and produces diverse results. The three types of forgiveness are:

Exoneration

Forbearance

Release

Exoneration

This is what we generally have in mind when we think of the word forgiveness. Exoneration essentially means that the slate is completely wiped clean and the relationship is fully restored to its previous sense of innocence. Basically, exoneration means to "forgive and forget," as the old saying goes. When you exonerate someone, it’s as if the harmful action never took place at all.

Part of the reason why it can be so difficult to forgive those who have committed transgressions against us is that we believe forgiveness always means wiping the slate clean. As you will see later in this essay, that isn’t necessarily the case, but there are three types of situations in which exoneration is appropriate:

-The hurtful situation was a complete accident for which no fault or blame can be applied. In the video, a knocked over glass of wine is shown, but there are many other types of honest accidents that could apply. We all make mistakes and sometimes the appropriate response to such failings is to forgive completely.

-The person who committed the offense is a child or someone who wasn’t capable of understanding the implications of their actions. In these situations, the person wronged also holds positive or loving feelings toward the offender. The video shows a child drawing on the walls, but I remember ripping up a Palm Sunday palm at a friend’s house when I was young. I wasn’t raised with that tradition, so I had no idea I was doing something wrong (I thought what I was playing with was a remnant of a plant or something dragged inside). This is a relatively minor offense, but it was one that popped into my mind while watching the video.

-The person who hurt you is truly sorry and takes full responsibility for his or her actions. They don’t make excuses, they ask for forgiveness, and they also provide you with the necessary confidence that the bad action will not be repeated in the future. I believe that even in the event of an accident, as mentioned in #1 above, an apology and asking for forgiveness can go a long way towards facilitating exoneration.

In these three situations, Dr. Marmer feels that it’s essential for the wronged individual to accept the offender’s apology and grant them the full forgiveness of exoneration. Doing so will lead both people to feel a lot better, whereas failing to offer forgiveness can actually be harmful to the wronged person’s well-being. Furthermore, not being willing to forgive may signal that there is something more wrong with you than with the person who hurt you.

Forbearance

This second level of forgiveness applies when an offender either makes a partial apology or lessens their apology by suggesting that you are also partially to blame for their wrongdoing. They may even explicitly state that you did something to cause them to behave badly. While an apology may in fact be offered here, it’s usually not what was hoped for and may feel inauthentic (the often heard, "I’m sorry you feel that way" or "If I did anything to upset, I’m sorry," come to mind). Forbearance comes into play when the relationship at hand is one that matters to you. If the person is someone who is important in your life, you should exercise forbearance even if you bear no responsibility for what happened.

Forbearance means that you should stop dwelling on the offense, release any grudges you hold, and banish all revenge fantasies. However, unlike exoneration, the slate is not wiped completely clean with forbearance. Instead, it’s recommended that the person offering forbearance maintain a degree of watchfulness over the other person. This is similar to "forgive but don’t forget" or "trust but verify." With forbearance, you’re able to continue relationships with people who are important to you but who may not be fully trustworthy, at least at the present time.

An example for my life when I exercised forbearance was when a relative shared something I told her in confidence with other family members. When I confronted her about this behavior, she gave a half-hearted apology along with the excuse of, "But they’re family." Even after I explained to her that it should be my decision who I do or don’t share information with, she demurred and insisted that these other family members had a right to know. I forgave her, but I am very guarded about what I share with her now. I only tell her things that I’m okay with other people knowing as well.

In some instances, forbearance is a temporary situation. If the person who hurt you maintains good behavior for a long enough period of time, they may be able to earn back your trust. If this happens, forbearance can give way to the full forgiveness of exoneration. The time required for this to happen will of course vary and some relationships will always require a cautious and watchful approach. For example, many adult children are able to forgive their parents for past negative actions perpetrated during childhood, but they remain wary whenever they engage with them. This may be because the parent never fully accepted responsibility for previous wrongs, and it may also be due to poor behavior in more recent interactions. In either case, exoneration is not merited, but forbearance enables the relationship to continue on a healthier and more positive ground.

Release

Release is the lowest level of forgiveness and applies to situations in which the person who hurt you has never acknowledged any wrongdoing. He or she has either never apologized or has offered an incomplete or insincere apology. Apology or not, no reparations have been given and the perpetrator has done little or nothing to improve the relationship. Some examples of where release may apply include:

Survivors of child abuse

Business people cheated by partners

Betrayal by friends or relatives

Even though it is hard for us to forgive people in these types of situations, Dr. Marmer believes that we should in fact do so. The solution here is release, which is a much lower level of forgiveness than exoneration or even forbearance. With release, you don’t even need to continue the relationship, but you do need to let go of your bad feelings and preoccupation with the negative thing that happened to you. Release demands that you stop defining your life by the hurt done to you, and it allows you to let go of the burden placed upon your psyche. This burden is like a silent "tax" that weighs you down and erodes your ability to be happy and enjoy peace of mind.

If you do not release the pain and anger and move past dwelling on old hurts and betrayals, you are essentially allowing the person who hurt you to live rent-free inside your mind. Holding on to past hurts and betrayals means that you continue to relive the original event over and over again, which takes a strong toll on your enjoyment of life. In contrast, release liberates you from the tyranny of re-experiencing your traumatic past and enables you to move on with your life.

Conclusion

While it would be nice to be able to fully forgive – exonerate – all those who have harmed us, this isn’t always possible. Even the more provisional type of forgiveness that is forbearance isn’t always an option in certain situations and relationships. But failing to let go of the past hurts us more than it will ever hurt the people who have done us wrong. Having the option of release available to us can take away a lot of our burden and allow us to live more positive and fulfilling lives. Of course, releasing the pain and resentment is easier said than done and may require both time and a concerted effort.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 5:55 PM, Sunday, August 3rd]

I will never say to my wife I forgive you for what you did. Her selfish actions permanently destroyed a piece of our 27 years together. Her selfish actions harmed me mentally physically socially emotionally.

Our MC tried pushing a closure ceremony a few times. She said you can come up with something that you do together to signify the end of the old relationship and the birth of a new relationship (or something stupid like that)

She suggested we burn the paper copies of the sexts. I just said no.