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Has anyone experienced being triggered by their wedding anniversary? I told my wife early on during the most angry part of this process that basically that day was meaningless now. I tossed my wedding band into a lake saying it didn't represent what she had promised that day. To her credit, shortly thereafter she arranged to have a jeweler friend of ours let us make our own new bands which I thought was a big step in showing empathy. Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more so the day truly has lost its meaning to me. Visualizing them being intimate and then us being out to dinner for our anniversary days later gets the blood pressure cranked way up. My WW obviously struggles with this (trust me, I'm not sympathizing, just stating facts). I think it's a day she'd still like to "celebrate" but honestly the last few have really not brought me much joy. I've shared this with her and explained the day just makes me kind of depressed. Unfortunately the Xmas holiday turned into this as well but there are many distractions and family around which makes that better. Dday in both cases (1 affair just trickle truthed resulting in 2 Ddays) was days within Xmas. Anyone else dealt with this and what mechanisms have you used to cope with it?

Yes for sure have dealt with this. It can change over time has been my experience. We used to still celebrate it and for some reason that felt okay to me. But in the last couple of years I no longer want to celebrate it. I prefer for him to be around, available, not working, in case I have any feelings I want or need to share. We might go out to dinner just so no one has to cook. But I no longer want it to be a celebration. It is now more like a day of reflection. I wouldn’t be surprised if that also changes with time again.

Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more

This sounds like you don’t fully know all that transpired. Is that something you’ve chosen, or is she not being fully forthcoming? Complete disclosure is a pillar of R, so no intimacy (by way of shared secret intimate details) can remain btw her & AP.

ABSOLUTELY! I still won’t "celebrate" our anniversary. It just doesn’t mean the same thing as it used to, and I’m not sure it ever will. He broke our wedding vows, so I take that as breaking our marriage. While I’m still married, I’m not married in the same way. Assuming I continue to stay married, not sure yet. The other trigger for me is DD, coming up in a few days. Hate it. As are other gift-giving holidays. Holidays suck for me now. Wish they would all go away!

You’re not alone, while I don’t have great advice, I can only offer, do what makes sense and feels right to you. Don’t force a fake celebration. I have also requested no gift giving for any holidays (Christmas, V-Day, Mothers Day). As for our anniversary, I don’t want to do anything, if it happens to be a non-work day where we can go somewhere, paddleboarding or hiking (something we do often anyway) I’m okay with it, but it’s not going to be a "celebration" per say. IMO, you get to call the shots on this one.

Best of luck!

The anniversary does tend to be a difficult time for me. Dday 1 was only a few days after our anniversary, and I had a feeling that something was off when we spent the day together. Even before Dday, anniversaries had an association for me with hurtful behavior from him.

Now, I don't want to make a big deal of the day. It really doesn't mean what it used to mean. No one in our lives knows about his cheating, so I do have to deal with well wishes and compliments on what a great marriage people think we have. We don't do big celebrations. I don't want him doing his gushing posts on social media. I have no desire to do a big party for our upcoming milestone anniversary. I'm still figuring out what, if anything, the day even signifies anymore.

However, even though I don't want a big deal made, I don't mind an outing with a meal out. The day might have sucky associations for me, but I will never turn down the opportunity to avoid cooking and kitchen clean-up. I just treat it like a regular random date day/night.

My wife’s LTA went from EA to PA about two weeks after our anniversary. Four plus years later AP dumped her, then tried to restart it all two years later around the same exact time of year. My wife told him no for the very first time on his attempt to restart.

Anyway, I get it. Our anniversary month is also her b-day month. It’s a fairly tough reminder, even as healed as we are now.

The first anniversary or two after dday were uphill and we kept it very low key.

My take today is, I’ve always held up my end of the deal, and I always operated with the best info I had at the time.

So, now we do celebrate what we have overcome.

We celebrate the work we’ve done to stay together.

We don’t pretend the A didn’t happen, we just know most couples don’t make it this far after one partner hurts the other.

Now the anniversary is a reminder of the good AND bad times, with a focus on how much better we are now at the whole relationship thing.