SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

Im just looking for people's opinion.

Is it right for a wayward wife to say that I should be grateful that she stayed with me and didn’t go off with her affair partner.

It’s started off with me saying that she should be grateful that I decided to stay as a lot of people would leave when they have been cheated on.

Her response was that I should be grateful too, that she didn’t leave and go off with her ap.

That makes me mad her even thinking that she has the right to say that. I know she is right in what she says but it just doesn’t make me feel any better by her saying them words.

To make things worse, she also told me that it was the past. It happened, so get over it were her words.

To me it feels like she is pushing me into getting over it on her terms and within her time frame.

I know how you feel. My wife never said I should be grateful, but she does say "I chose you," or "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you" and that kind of stings. I know it's her thinking she's reassuring me, but it doesn't land quite the way I think she thinks it does. It's not out of anger or to deflect from my pain, tho. She's very careful about that with me. She tells me that she's grateful and thankful for the second chance. She says it very often, if not almost daily.

What your wife is saying to you wouldn't sit well with me at all. I'd point out that I'm not the one who did the betraying, set the marriage on fire, and if she doesn't want in this marriage anymore then just say the word. But that's me. After a month of humiliating myself by playing the pick me game I now have zero tolerance for any shit talking or anything less than 100% effort and gratitude. My wife knows divorce was on the table and she doesn't want that.

You recover at your pace and on your timetable. Not hers. She's the one who devastated the relationship. I've watched a ton of videos and read a ton of articles. There does come a time when you probably shouldn't continually beat a dead horse, but that's measured in years, not weeks or months. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from it, and true reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

I'm sorry you're dealing with what appears to be a remorseless wayward spouse.

Friend, I just took a quick look at your post history and these are the titles of your threads here.

Am I Being Gaslit or Am I the Problem

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Stuck with no support and feel manipulated...

Left to deal with things on my own when all I need is answers...

The mind games to don't allow you to move forward...

And then there's this current one. Have things not been going well since your d day? What has she been doing to make up for blowing up your marriage and make you feel safe?

Her response was that I should be grateful too, that she didn’t leave and go off with her ap.

That makes me mad her even thinking that she has the right to say that. I know she is right in what she says but it just doesn’t make me feel any better by her saying them words.

Number one, she has no right to say that. Not if she is anything close to remorseful. She can think it, and even that is bad, but to verbalize it shows a complete lack of respect for you. I heard the same thing that she chose me, and I shut that down quickly. She backtracked and I do think she was trying to say I was the one she always wanted but the way she said it was insulting.

I agree with Pogre. You are like a boxer always in retreat. The second you try to express your feeling she gives you a shot to the head and you back off. It’s been said here a million times that sometimes if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. This scenario keeps playing out, and will keep playing out until you put your foot down and tell her maybe you should go be with him and pack her bags. I’m saying this metaphorically, but until you punch back this will keep happening.

At three years you are still working through this. She may think it’s ancient history, but it is obviously still on your mind. She needs to understand that.

You have a choice. You can keep going the way you are going and she will always keep you on defense. Or you can stand up to her, demand respect. You run the risk of her walking, but really unless you like living like this what are you truly losing. Certainly not a happy marriage.

My guess is she will respect the backbone and will be the first to back down.

Did she suffer any consequences from her affair?

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 7:23 PM, Tuesday, June 9th]

Sorry. She doesn’t sound very remorseful. If that was a premise for R, she just let you know where that stands.

No, it’s not it’s deflecting minimizing and persisting in abuse.

Hence she has not even shame towards what she’s done to you.

No respect.

Is this truly what you want?

Friend you must understand that either you start believing you are the prize, or you will be the permanent victim of abuse from your cheater.
She doesn’t care, she is confident of your codependency and sure you have no agency, so she’ll keep doing what she did.

It’s only on you, but you are ensuring hell for yourself if you don’t do a steel hard 180 and put things in the right place.

Only way she may understand her shit has consequence.
And if she doesn’t, is a worthless person, no point in having someone like that around.

Leave her to spiral into self destruction, laugh when she ended destroying herself as these people do, but above all, start living.

Is it right for a wayward wife to say that I should be grateful that she stayed with me and didn’t go off with her affair partner.

No. She should be grateful you didn't kick her to the curb. Most relationships with APs don't last if the WS chooses that path. Even worse success rate than R. Lol. AP can have her.

It’s started off with me saying that she should be grateful that I decided to stay as a lot of people would leave when they have been cheated on.

Correct. "You should be happy I didn't leave you after stabbing me" "You should be grateful I didn't murder you/stab you twice!"

Just so dumb on the face of it. But ya know, lots of deflection and DARVO is common from WS. It's not right. It's just common.

Her response was that I should be grateful too, that she didn’t leave and go off with her ap.

No. Just no. Leaving would have probably been less painful and more clear cut. If she just left for AP, you could move on and have complete control of your life and heal on your own terms with no need to find forgiveness. My stabbing analogy falls apart a bit here. But you get my picture right? The fact that "she is leaving the door open to R" is perhaps true, but completely ridiculous on the face of it to compare it to the one that is willing to offer forgiveness.

That makes me mad her even thinking that she has the right to say that. I know she is right in what she says but it just doesn’t make me feel any better by her saying them words.

She is only technically right in that either of you can choose to end the relationship at any time for any reason or no reason at all. But in no way is it there a moral equivalence between a WS choosing to stay and a BS choosing to give R a chance.

Maybe a money analogy works better. There is $10k in a pile you agreed to share on some shared expense, and she took $5k for herself and blew on something for only her. You say "well I will still share this $5k with you even though you wasted half of it on yourself, I'd be well within my right to say this is mine only" and she says "You are lucky I didn't take all $10k, because I could have, I didn't have to share any of it with you!"

She is technically right, but morally wrong. She broke the original agreement, not you. So any equivalence on the "new agreement" is just asinine. You are the one offering an olive branch to a proven liar.

To make things worse, she also told me that it was the past. It happened, so get over it were her words.

Also normal, also not ok. "Well that $5k isn't coming back, it's gone". What is she doing to try to make amends?

To me it feels like she is pushing me into getting over it on her terms and within her time frame.

Very likely. And I'm not personally a religious man, but there is a poster here that hasn't been around in a minute that would often refer folks to Proverbs 30:20. And so it seems to be with you wife.

I know we are in the R forum, and should be giving advice to that end. But your wife is not demonstrating behavior that is conducive to R.

bose, your wife is toxic. Staying in a toxic relationship is destroying you, chipping away at your mental and emotional health. If she hasn't already broken you, she eventually will.

My advice would be to separate as soon as possible. Consult a divorce attorney, lay out a plan, with backup plans, and get yourself out of this toxic relationship.

My response would have been "There is nothing stopping you from leaving right now. Go be with him. I'll be fine"

And, it's in the past? Maybe for her, but for us BS's we live with the betrayal every day. It pops up just out of the blue :/

Her comments are ignorant and demeaning IMO.

Comments like those of the cheating wife really make reconciliation very challenging.

She has no remorse. Regret maybe. Remorse for the affair - definitely not.

She is still thinking she’s in control. Typical cheater behavior BTW. My H still thought he controlled everything at dday2 of affair 2.

When I did the hard 180, refused to engage in any discussion with him AND told him I was D him, he realized he under estimated my patience and willingness to accept the lying & cheating.

It took him Less than 24 hours to realize he had no ability to tell me anything, make decisions or have his opinion matter.

Took back my power. Stopped being a doormat.