SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, it happened again. Just 4 months removed from the first D-day, I discovered my wife was involved in another affair. We were already heading down the path of divorce, but I was still holding on to hope and no paperwork has been signed yet. It's still shocking to find out that she was already doing it again. Did she ever even stop?

For the past 6 weeks or so I sensed something was dreadfully wrong. The same disconnect, the same unwillingness to communicate, the hot/cold behavior. One day she's open to counseling and reconciliation, the next day she's distant and distracted. Buying new clothes, new shoes, doing her hair again, doing her makeup, coming how from work later than usual, and text became shorter and less frequent. I would ask almost daily if there was someone else, and I was met with anger, irritation, and defensiveness. When asking where she was mentally with our marriage, she was indirect. Often saying "I don't know" or "I need time to think" or "I'm conflicted, part of me wants it and part of me thinks its over." I pleaded with her to just be honest, and if there was someone else or if she definitely wanted out, just tell me so it could set me free. I made it clear that I was obviously her back-up plan, and that's not a role I wanted. She denied being done, she just "wanted time".

Against my own intuition and a lot of advice over the past few months, I chased in hopes to save my marriage and family. As I mentioned, I offered MC, I downloaded relationship building apps, I took her out to dinner and poured my heart out. I sent her long texts about not wanting to throw our life away without trying. I'm truly embarrassed by this, but I must admit I was desperate to keep my family together. I was still stuck on the fantasy of the life I had, the future plans, and the fantasy of the woman I thought I married.

On July 16th, I finally saw the evidence I needed to close this chapter in my heart. After a few attempts with no luck, I finally saw a conversation before it could be deleted. It turns out that my wife was having an affair with a new partner, a customer at her workplace. A local guy, who is married with 3 children of his own.

Their conversation discussed skipping work together, fantasy vacation trips, acknowledging that he was married and happy with his situation, but also acknowledging that my wife was his girlfriend. My wife was throwing herself at him, telling him that her situation is going to change in the next few months, but his situation is holding things up. When asked about what she's doing with the messages regarding me seeing them, she bragged that she deletes the messages before I ever get a chance to see them, even if I demanded her phone. They both thought this was hilarious. They were even discussing how they had eachother saved in their phones, in efforts to hide the relationship from their spouses. At one point, my wife jokingly expressed her disappointment that he didn't come see her at work that day, and said "I gave you plenty of reasons last night". And the worst part, they even joked with eachother about my wife getting pregnant. The conversation I saw was absolutely disheartening and sickening. Even though I knew something was going on, I had no idea it was this bad. It shook me to my core. Even though you know that they are lying and the details are much worse than you've been told, it doesn't fully sink in until you see it with your own eyes.

I made the decision that I couldn't be under the same roof as her knowing the level of deception and home wrecking that was taking place. So I reached out to her AP's wife to discuss what I knew. She was reluctant, upset, and didn't want to face the truth. I also spoke with this man on the phone and I cut him zero slack. He tried to lie, but once I started reciting their conversation, he knew. This conversation ended with him hanging up on me and it seems they have both since blocked me. Hopefully she comes to her senses and doesn't allow this liar to manipulate her the way I have been, and many of us have been. I still feel like I did the right thing here though.

I never confronted my wife about the discovery, but I assume her AP did. Rather than give me an explanation or an apology, she chose to hide. She never came home from work that day, and has been staying with family since. No communication regarding the discovery besides the kids. When I've asked, she just ignores the message and seems to be afraid to face me. That, or she just really doesn't care. It's totally bizarre.

It's a very sad ending with someone I looked forward to growing old with. But now I know the person I fell in love with doesn't truly exist. I never in a million years thought our relationship would end is devastating fashion like this, but here we are...

[This message edited by Icedale31 at 3:10 PM, Monday, July 20th]

She's been showing you who she is. Believe her!

She made her choice. Now it's up to you to get an absolute shark of an attorney and go after her for everything. Full custody, the better share of split assets, etc. You want her to know that you would have moved mountains for her, but she spat in your face. You would have been fair in an amicable divorce had she not strung you along like this, all while making you the butt of her jokes.

Leave her with nothing.

That's brutal man. I saw some conversations I wasn't supposed to see either. I know how you felt reading those. I really do. I completely understand what you're saying when you just don't know how hard it hits until you see it with your own eyes. At one point MY WIFE told one of her friends "if he asked me to marry him, I'd say yes." I still remember feeling my heartbeat in my head and neck, the flush of heat in my face. The panic and disbelief. It was bad. That's what broke me. That's when I started calling divorce lawyers in front of her.

Don't beat yourself up for trying and not knowing. She strung you along for a couple of months and did a pretty good job of covering her tracks. I've read about scenarios like this that played out for years. Most of us want to try and work it out. That's normal and doesn't mean you're less of a person or weak or dumb for trying.

I think you're doing what you need to do for your own sanity and self respect. Hang in there man.

My XWS used the word "conflicted" soooo much. Such a wishywashy term. I hate it.

As incredibly painful as that was, it was also a gift in that you now have no doubt and can move forward knowing you have done EVERYTHING you could. The cheating was 100% on her, and the continued cheating is 100% on her. Doesn’t make it easier, but it makes it clearer.

I am sorry you are doing through this. You absolutely did the right thing letting the OBS know.

Now get a lawyer who will fight for everything you are entitled to and start trying to detach. Really hard, but now you need to focus on YOUR future and your kids…

Hang in there. This sucks, but you will get through it. And there is sunshine on the other side :-) ☀️

Don’t feel embarrassed. The only one here who has anything to be ashamed of is her. You did your best to try to save a marriage all by yourself, an impossible task. When newbies show up here in the future, I expect you to be among the first to tell them not to do the pick-me dance! It doesn’t work and you just end up kicking yourself in the end…

You did the right thing in informing AP’s wife. Who knows what she’ll choose, but she’s only had a few days. You took some time yourself to try to sort things out…she may not have even blocked you, I wouldn’t put it past him to have done it. But you did all you can do anyway.

Your WW is using the 180 on you. That’s something YOU should be doing to her as well. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/. Read the FAQs too.

I think one of the key things of the 180 (as I understand it, not having done it myself) is to stop asking questions. You don’t ask her about her A, you don’t ask her what she wants, or feels, or is thinking or was thinking or anything. You stop asking her questions. You do that because it won’t help you DETACH, which you need to do for your emotional health. And because you will not profit from her answers. She lies to you. You read in her own words her glee in deceiving you. You will never be able to believe anything she tells you anyway at this point, as she has no incentive to be honest and plenty of incentives to lie. She also may be motivated to hurt you.

Icedale, you have spent enough of your life being lied to by this person. Don’t spend any more of your precious life creating new opportunities to be deceived by her.

I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. Set a goal for yourself to get out of infidelity. Tell you lawyer what she’s done, it might be abandonment. But in all cases, turn your back to her and stride firmly and with your head held high towards freedom.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 4:53 PM, Monday, July 20th]

IceDale31,

I have nothing to offer but to tell you how sorry I am for you.
I can imagine the hurt, but know that you tried and that's all you could do.

Now become the best version of yourself and know that the future is going to be good for you.
I'll be praying for you.

Icedale,

You did all you can to save your marriage and family. In the future, you may start regretting that you played a bit of the "pick me dance" to sway your wife back. Don't dwell too much on it, you were looking out for your family. As others have said, your WW has shown you what she is- believe her. She is not marriage material.

Discuss with your attorney what constitutes abandonment in your state. Probably too soon now to allege it now and to seek primary custody based on abandonment but give your WW enough rope to hang herself in front of a judge. Do NOT ask her to come home, let her stay at her parents for as long as she wants. Discuss with your attorney if and how she should contact the children. Be on guard that she may grab the kids and run... you may want to seek an emergency or temporary orders establishing you as the primary parent. Simply, the gloves should come off and let your attorney know everything and tell him to go for her jugular.

Has she retained an attorney yet? I believe you make significantly more than your wife... now, this is all up to you (and your State's family laws), you may just want to get her out of your life as quick as possible but with the latest affair you may want to seek your pound of flesh (and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way) tell your attorney to bring the pain... drown the other side in paperwork and discovery requests, set up depositions with both APs and subpoena both APs for the depositions at either their home or work place, etc. Talk with your attorney and follow their advice. It may cost you more money but you're in a much better position to do so than your WW. And remember a good offense is the best defense.

Keep all of your evidence in a secure place that your WW cannot tamper with it. I have a feeling you're going to have to explain to your children about their mom's actions sooner than you would have liked.

BTW since you've been blocked you may want to make copies of your evidence and send the copies by registered mail to the new AP's wife so she can see for herself what her husband has done... again only after consulting with your attorney.

Stay strong and good luck, Icedale. Please keep us informed.

It’s disheartening when you see the malice during the affair high.

Not only stabbing you in the back but also enjoying it together at how brilliant they both are.

Truly a match made in heaven.
Sanction it in court and let them see how their paradise works.
You and the other betrayed spouse.

I am so sorry you have had to join the long list of those who had to learn the hard way that the pick me dance never works. You did your best and now you know the truth. While you were bending over backwards to try and salvage your M and family, she and her AP were laughing at your efforts.

As many have said here in the past, consider that your WW died. Grieve the loss of the woman she was, but she is gone. She has been replaced with someone determined to hurt you. Focus on healing from the loss and moving forward with your children. Based on my experience, be prepared for a hostile and contentious D process. You spoiled her fun. How dare you. She will do her best to engage you and hurt you. Don’t let her. Get the best D lawyer you can afford and follow their advice. Do not engage or argue with her. Do not take the bait when she tries to drag you down to her level. Learn the phrase: "I’m sorry you feel that way"! And use it often. Keep all communications in writing on finance and custody issues only. Learn the 180. The goal is to extricate yourself from infidelity to the point that she is just someone from your past. Good luck. Always value yourself. Always respect yourself.

Icedale31

Against my own intuition and a lot of advice over the past few months, I chased in hopes to save my marriage and family.

Please do not beat yourself up for this because trying to save your marriage and family is not something to be ashamed of - you were operating with the information you had then and with the love history and hope you still had. She was operating with secrecy deletion and another hidden life and those are not the same things.

Even though you know that they are lying and the details are much worse than you've been told, it doesn't fully sink in until you see it with your own eyes.

Yes exactly this - seeing it in their own words does something different because it removes the part of your mind that was still trying to protect you from the full reality. The laughing and hiding makes it even more brutal because it is not only the affair - it is the contempt inside the deception and you were not stupid for trusting the person you married and you were not weak for trying to keep your family together -now you have the information you were missing and you can protect yourself and your children from the reality that is actually in front of you.