SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a very strange coincidence come my way this last week. As backstory, my ex has been dating someone for a while now, I’d guess something like 9 months. My kids are well acquainted with this boyfriend. They have a vacation booked for this winter with two of my kids. She has even started talking in ways that she and him are somehow making joint decisions regarding my kids. It’s weird, I’m talking with my kids about it, but that isn’t my point. That is just to set the stage that she is in what seems to be a significant relationship with this guy. You can see where this is going…

So my girlfriend was at a coffee shop in the part of town near my ex’s workplace. And it just so happens that in walks my ex, holding hands with a dude who is definitely not the new boyfriend. When she spotted my girlfriend (they have been around each other for kids events), she immediately dropped the guys hand, said something to him and left.

Is it possible to be both shocked and completely not surprised at the same time?

99% of me doesn’t care, the exception being that my kids are going to pay a price if this is the life she has chosen as her permanent path. But I have to admit I’m just a little stunned, which I guess means I still don’t think poorly enough of her.

I remember the day here where I really internalized the idea that it wasn’t about me, that if she had married someone else he would have been the poor sap instead. I have to admit it’s just a little different to see it play out. And so quickly. How bizarre, how bizarre.

I hope she’s nervous as hell right now. It’s always a surprise when you realize you still have some respect left to lose.

Can we play What Did She Tell Him?

"Oh shoot, I think I left the stove on."

"If anyone asks, tell them you’re my cousin."

"Ugh, I just swallowed a bug."

It looks like you are going to have to tell your XWW's new boyfriend the news about her cheating.

Does he--the boyfriend that is--know why your marriage ended? If he does know and he decided to date your XWW anyway, then he is a *well nevermind*. I mean, what the hell is he thinking? The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He still deserves to know about his supposed girlfriend cheating though.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:13 AM, Tuesday, September 1st]

Is it possible to be both shocked and completely not surprised at the same time?

It's possible to be shocked that you're not surprised. I'd imagine it's also a little bit of vindication, too.

Perhaps the shock is because it happened so quickly, and the lack of surprise because you know she never did the work to become a better partner.

I keep saying that nothing WX does will surprise me, but he's creative, and I've certainly raised my eyebrows at some of his choices.

The kids are always the collateral damage from their actions, going all the way back to their infidelity. It's awful that she's not thinking of them or putting their well-being first, but hey, if she was that kind of person, she wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place.

@InkHulk

I can only imagine the mix of emotions this brought up. If I were in your shoes, the overriding feeling would be pure vindication. You couldn't ask for clearer proof that:

A) This was entirely a her issue.

B) You made the absolute right call getting out when you did.

It does make you wonder, though: was she always this person and just had you convinced otherwise, or did something snap along the way that she has no desire to fix herself?

Being betrayed feels like being conned. Or at least it did to me. I fully relate the that 'chump' perspective. You were only with someone under the expectation that they wouldn't do this sort of backstabbing shit. In the fall out; It's hard to tell if our pickers were off, if we were played or manipulate, or if they changed into something else along the way. I feel that clarification would make for good closure but alas, I don't imagine it's ever attainable.

Either way, this is the ultimate definition of "Not your circus, not your monkeys"—and I bet you've never been happier to sit this one out.

On reading your post I started to hum Tom Lehrer’s old ditty Wernher von Braun…. "A man whose allegiance is ruled by expedience".

Switch genders. The song might give you a chuckle.

It is sad she has not learned her lesson. Yet another person, or persons, who will be injured due to her self centeredness.

As other said, glad you got out.

Would probably good to tell the new BF that is starting to have access to your kids. In reality, him staying in picture and finding out down the road, could impact your kids worse than if he sees the signs and gets out of Dodge.

Unbelievable.

I am glad you can see it would t have mattered who she was married to. That’s the truth for most ws—we have but our lives like a bad Kenya game and keep trying to fill the holes with Lincoln logs. I hope for the sake of your kids she finally gets a grip on her child’s play.

99% of me doesn’t care, the exception being that my kids are going to pay a price if this is the life she has chosen as her permanent path.

Have you considered warning your kids about their mother’s behavior? Not in any way to pit them against her, but instead to give them a heads-up her current "official" boyfriendship is most likely not long for this world….

Damn, I just can’t imagine not learning that lesson. Even after wrecking your own family!

I’ll bet you have totally new feeling of vindication though! Maybe send her a thank you card?

I have no words. Just... good for you getting out when you did.

Sheesh.

Been sitting with this, reading replies. I think I’m feeling more than I initially thought. It’s not vindication, though. I already had that. I think I’m feeling something of a sense of foreboding, like she may well be more of a "bunny boiler" type and she may only be letting it fly now. Sure, not my monkey, not my circus, but still too close for comfort.

I am pretty undecided about who I would share this information with. Her boyfriend has been an ass to me from day one, so I have no doubt he’s been painted a nasty picture of me. I doubt he’d believe me even if I told him. I’m extremely cautious about sharing negative information about her to the kids. She already has a very long uphill battle to repair things with them without me saying a word. I don’t know with any certainty that it would do them good and I also would struggle to be sure my motives were good if I did.

And if I’m being honest to the anonymous internet, I don’t want her focus to come back to me. I’m finally getting separation and peace. The last thing I want is her deciding I am the reason her life is falling apart, again.

Well, I have to make an observation here, since in your threads I have always been so respectful in my commentary.

Who the hell would seriously want to date someone like your XWW? It always boggles my mind why so many of us get involved with women like this when the signs are there. I mean, your XWW's boyfriend has additional sources of data besides your XWW's testimony--in particular your kids and your relationship with them.

I know I'm gonna sound like a horrible person, but maybe I have to go against what I said earlier and say let him find out on his own. What is getting me to say that is that he has been an ass to you. You know, don't throw pearls to the swine and all that.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:05 PM, Tuesday, September 1st]

A fair call IH.

The sleeping bear already knows what was witnessed — may be best to let her continue to spiral out without further provocation.

The day her mask truly slipped forever was the complete lack of concern of her AP contacting your daughter, and the rest as they say, is what you experienced on your way to a better life.

I understand your concern.

It is co-parent nightmare to see there is nothing positive going on in her world, which can always blow back into yours.

Damn.

All this time and you still have to keep your head on a swivel.

And if I’m being honest to the anonymous internet, I don’t want her focus to come back to me. I’m finally getting separation and peace. The last thing I want is her deciding I am the reason her life is falling apart, again.

Totally hear that.

I think I’m feeling something of a sense of foreboding, like she may well be more of a "bunny boiler" type and she may only be letting it fly now. Sure, not my monkey, not my circus, but still too close for comfort.

Unfortunately, and ofc you know this, in some sense it is your monkey since she’s still around your kids. Don’t even know what to offer except my prayers for you and your kids.

Leaving aside what you should do because still shocked this happened. Even though I guess not shocked. Worried about how you might feel. I’m sure on the surface there are some good parts. The certainty you made the right choice. I guess you get to move that one over to 99.999%. I just can’t help but feel I would be triggered by the old pain of finding out this person who wasn’t supposed to be this person is this person. Anyway, just hope you’re good. She sure can’t get out of her own way.

I don’t see how you could tell anyone about this. You don’t have the goods. It’ll just end up being he-said-she-said. Maybe if you had a video or something, but you chiming in with "my girlfriend saw…" is just not strong enough proof. Her boyfriend, who’s already been primed to think the worst of you, will 100% believe her inevitable version of you being the bitter ex who’s out to get her.