SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I posted here years ago (2006-2009) after discovering WH1 was a serial cheater after 5 years of marriage. We attempted to reconcile but my final D-Day was in October 2007. I actually met WH2 shortly after, in November 2007, but we were casual for about a year before getting serious. We married in 2012.

Unfortunately, I'm here again just shy of 14 years of marriage after discovering in late July WH2's EA and, subsequently, online cheating and other activities going back years. I did not see it coming and the whole journey from D-Day to separation took only 5 days. (He had asked for MC two weeks prior, but a family trip and a massive case of denial kept me from finding out sooner.) WH2 refused to give up his "platonic friend," told me he was "emotionally over" our marriage, and immediately moved into the same post-college apartment complex he lived in when we met almost 20 years ago. He's been demanding a quick divorce ever since.

I have amazing friends and family who have dropped everything to be there for me, but it's hard for them to understand the rollercoaster that comes after D-Day and the anguish of having to make yourself fall out of love with your cheating husband who has suddenly abandoned you. And it was sudden. WH2 admitted that he's been pushing down his thoughts and feelings for years and that he didn't share them with me due to a misguided sense of stoicism ingrained in him by his parents. It's clear from his texts with AP (I read them) that he's been faking it with me while building a fortress of resentment against me for awhile. At one point on D-Day, he cited a comment I made in 2013 as a cause of his unhappiness.

I'm not ignorant that there were issues in our marriage. I was in IC to recover from work burnout and taking steps to reduce the stressors and demands in our lives so that we could focus more on each other. In fact, WH2 encouraged me to take two huge pay cuts over the last 18 months to try to reduce stress, saying that it would be better for me and for us, and that we could make any budget work "together." He was actively cheating on me during both job changes, though he didn't hook up with his AP until April of this year. Imagine my shock when WH2 refused to fight for our marriage just a few months later and tried to implode my life, starting with trying to force a sale of the house and, after failing at that, telling me to keep the furniture but turn over every expensive "toy" in the house - the ones that the stressful jobs he hated and complained about so much had paid for (I was making 5x-8x what he did some years).

He started tearing down every good memory we had, including our recent European vacation at the end of May, which he claimed to have not wanted. Looking at the pictures now, it's incredible to realize how duplicitous he was being, kissing me and grinning in pictures during the day and texting AP after I went to bed. A pattern that continued and escalated into June and July. By the last few weeks before D-Day, he was staying up until 4 or 5 a.m. on weekends to talk to her (learned from security and call logs) - I'd go to bed around midnight and he'd stay up for "one more beer" and then sneak into bed just before I woke. He also gave her the security code to our home while we were out of town, in case she wanted to swim. But yes, "platonic friend."

If you're still with me, thank you. I'm guessing that the above doesn't convey my absolute devastation. I've been in a daze for about 6 weeks. I've lost 25 pounds (which would thrill him - he's lost 100+ lbs on a GLP-1 and began pressuring me to get on one around the time he started up with his AP in April - the irony is that I did, 3 weeks before D-Day). I've learned more about ADHD/RSD, alcoholism, and avoidant attachment (all actual or suspected issues for him) than I ever wanted to know over the last month. I've cried probably twice as many tears as I did grieving my first marriage, because this one seemed solid. If you look, you can probably find one of my smug posts here from the mid-2010s talking about how I felt like WH2 was sent to me as a reward for all the crap I put up with from WH1 and how folks here shouldn't give up.

Well, I give up. Getting blindsided by two repeat/serial cheaters with horrible boundaries and bad communication and coping skills says something about me, and I intend to find out what and fix it. But no more marriage for me.

Hello and sorry to hear what happened. Just because you have survived something once doesn’t make it any easier to go through again. In fact I know it makes it worse, because you might think you lived through it and never again will you let that happen to you. Your last sentence "it says something about me" I think we all can relate to that feeling. However I am here to remind you that it’s not about you . It’s about him making his own shitty choices. All it shows about you is that you are human and you believe in people. Totally normal traits, and definitely nothing you could do to prevent yourself from getting taken advantage of. It says everything about HIM and who he is. Please please eat and take care of yourself. I am also on a GLP1 and I know how hard it is to have an appetite in general , without adding a major life trauma into the mix. Keep your head up. You will survive this.

If you're still with me, thank you. I'm guessing that the above doesn't convey my absolute devastation.

When you have been betrayed you don't need a whole lot of flowery or descriptive language to be able to feel someone's pain, and yours is leaping off the screen at me. I went through this almost 17 months ago. I know how you feel.

I'm so sorry you found yourself here again. Keep posting and just use us to vent to if you need it. It sure helped me a lot. Hang in there. This is not your fault.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:42 AM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

Here is another cheater who should never have been married. This is who he is and this is what he does. He lies easily, tries to break you down by insulting you, and making you the bad guy. Do not buy into any of it…it’s just his way of getting his way. My suggestion, as hard as it is, open your hands and let him go and let him be somebody else’s problem because he is not good husband material.
My concern is your health which means you need to talk to your doctor about anxiety and meds for that and possible for help with sleep. Even though you’re on a weight loss medicine you need to be very very careful about what you put in your body since you are not going to be eating anything of substance right now. In fact, I suggest you get online or talk to a nutritionist about what to eat while you’re losing weight. I’m so very sorry you’ve gone through this again and I hope you realize that you did nothing to cause this man behave this way. Again, this is who he is and this is what he does and evidently lying is one of his favorite hobbies.

At one point on D-Day, he cited a comment I made in 2013 as a cause of his unhappiness.

When someone has to reach this far back to find something this small, you can be sure the problem was never you.

This sucks purplecheetah. It looks like narcissistic discard. So painful and cruel. You deserve so much better.

If he wants a quick divorce, use that to your advantage. Offer him terms and an asset split that is favorable to you. Sometimes these people want it done so bad they’ll agree to just about anything to get it done quickly.

Thanks to all of you for the support.

Just because you have survived something once doesn’t make it any easier to go through again. In fact I know it makes it worse, because you might think you lived through it and never again will you let that happen to you.

Leeleelu, you are so correct about this. I swore that I wouldn't ignore red flags again. Well, I noticed and even spoke up about a few in June and July - WH2 not wearing his ring (wanted to wait on the last of the weight loss to buy a new one), WH2 working late only on Tuesdays (blamed it on an all-hands meeting for a big project that regularly ran late), his phone going off more than usual (blamed it on increased work email traffic and planning for a fantasy football draft). I had no reason not to trust him.

Something in me must have known something was off, though. WH2 and I had an argument on St. Patrick's Day after a day out with friends, and I called my BFF and said, "I think WH2 is cheating on me" though I couldn't explain why. (I was a little tipsy.) The next day, I told her I had no idea where that came from and that I had no reason to suspect him. I do wonder what made me think that - I still can't put my finger on it, even with the benefit of hindsight. I've pieced a lot of other things together though.

When you have been betrayed you don't need a whole lot of flowery or descriptive language to be able to feel someone's pain, and yours is leaping off the screen at me. I went through this almost 17 months ago. I know how you feel.

Pogre, I'm sorry to hear that. It's the club none of us ever wanted to be part of. Thank you for hearing me.

My suggestion, as hard as it is, open your hands and let him go and let him be somebody else’s problem because he is not good husband material.

Cooley2Here, I have. WH2 is not that different from most other WSes, I don't think - while his EA was intended to be an exit affair, at the critical moment, he cowered and refused to say "it's over," forcing me to do it. And despite telling me on D-Day that he needed the 5 days until his 2nd IC appointment to think, he apparently spent no time considering what would happen if I didn't want to R. So, after he told me that he'd "wrestled about it all week" and that he wanted to try to R because "we've built a really good life and it would be a shame not to try to salvage it" - not a single word about loving me or wanting our marriage to work - I told him to get out. (Well, first I demanded to see his phone to confirm that he was telling the truth about not talking to AP all week, which he promptly confessed was a lie - he had told her that he would likely need to send a fake NC text but that he'd be in touch and see her soon.) He just stood there dumbfounded. Then he tried to get me to let him stay to work on dividing assets, which I told him our lawyers would handle. Finally, I called his parents and told them what was going on, which got him moving. He took his clothes out in garbage bags and cried over our dogs, but he did not apologize or shed a tear for me or our marriage.

My concern is your health which means you need to talk to your doctor about anxiety and meds for that and possible for help with sleep. Even though you’re on a weight loss medicine you need to be very very careful about what you put in your body since you are not going to be eating anything of substance right now. In fact, I suggest you get online or talk to a nutritionist about what to eat while you’re losing weight.

Thank you. I saw my doctor yesterday and she said that the weight loss was more than she would want, but it wasn't dangerous - yet. So now I have snacks and small prepared meals on hand and a schedule to eat even if I'm not hungry. We also discussed anti-anxiety meds - I'm covered there. My friends are keeping an eye on me too.

Again, this is who he is and this is what he does and evidently lying is one of his favorite hobbies.

Unfortunately, yes. Looking back at our relationship - which is obviously a big part of how I've spent the last 6 weeks - I recalled that WH2 used to tell white lies a lot when we first got married. He said it was to avoid angering me (blame-shifting much?) and we had lots of talks about how lying made everything worse, etc. It stopped and I assumed that he grew out of it, but now I assume that he just got better at it.

And looking back without rose-colored glasses has been crazy. His chief complaint was that we weren't intimate enough, which caused me immense guilt. I mentioned above that I switched jobs twice, which was in part to reduce stress, and also to alleviate nervous system overload that was blocking me from enjoying intimacy. But while he was packing the last of his things after D-Day, I saw his low-T and ED meds and penis pump, and I recalled that his ED issues kept us from having sex on and off during our marriage. I recalled the times I'd asked for things in bed (like, "can you lift my hips" kind of thing) and how he was too afraid of doing things "wrong" to try anything at all, and the times he laughed at me when I was too loud. I recalled that he hadn't planned any dates since before Covid or ever gotten me flowers that he didn't grab while at the grocery store or Costco. A few years ago, he had his penis pierced in a way that caused me significant discomfort - done behind my back "because you'd try to talk me out of it" - and he resisted removing the jewelry to have sex because it enhanced his experience. When I asked about his inability to finish during one of the more recent times we had sex (while he was talking to AP), he admitted that the low-T treatment and his alcohol use had been hindering his ability to perform for awhile. But he complained endlessly to AP about our "dead bedroom" and on D-Day, it was a problem I refused to fix - he cited my failure to call a counselor as evidence that I didn't care (he was confused when I asked why he didn't call one).

I beat myself up about the issue for years, and I planned to ask for MC after the crazy yard/pool maintenance season and WH2's "big project" (ha!) were done later this summer. But WH2 was still affectionate and we were still making plans and laughing and kissing and going out and doing all the things we normally did, so I thought we were still in love and there was no question of our commitment to working it out. I was poleaxed on D-Day. I guess I shouldn't have been.

If he wants a quick divorce, use that to your advantage. Offer him terms and an asset split that is favorable to you. Sometimes these people want it done so bad they’ll agree to just about anything to get it done quickly.

Thank you, OhItsYou. I'm a lawyer and I have a divorce lawyer, and while I don't want to get into details (WH1 managed to track down my posts here last time), we've definitely thought of this angle. What we expect to learn in discovery could also have a big impact, so there's lots to consider.

[This message edited by purplecheetah at 11:05 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

Missed one...

When someone has to reach this far back to find something this small, you can be sure the problem was never you.

This sucks purplecheetah. It looks like narcissistic discard. So painful and cruel. You deserve so much better.

Letmebefrank, I had the same thought about the 2013 comment and said so. WH2 then said he had a more recent one - seeing cobwebs on an undermounted light in a retaining wall near our pool, I said something like, "next time you have the hose over here to water the planter, just aim it at the light for a couple seconds - I bet the cobwebs will come right off." He told me I was arrogant and rude for not getting out of the pool to do it myself instead of ordering him to do it.

Definitely a discard. I hadn't really thought of WH2 as narcissistic - he's had horrible self-esteem and battled depression as long as I've known him - so I assumed it was an ADHD discard or an avoidant discard. But I looked at narcissistic discard and that could fit too. I guess a discard looks the same no matter the reason.

[This message edited by purplecheetah at 11:17 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

I assume you know about covert narcissism. Once you start looking at a person who has it you can’t not know. They are ALWAYS the center of attention. I finally dropped a friend who has this in spades. She was sooo pitiful. Bless her widdle heart. I organized her drs appts because she never could remember them. For 5 months she went without hot water because she could not get around to calling someone and she is floating in money. They are always the most pitiful, the most helpless. In your case he manufactured your bedroom problems because it gave him something to whine about. In a year come back here and tell up about your great life minus the anchor weighing you down. Better still, stick around.

A wayward partner feels better when they can belittle you for it soothes the shame of what they are doing while actively betraying you. Denting your livelihood and income, gaslighting and likely damaging your peace enough that you need therapy to just function (you addressed to work burnout, my intuition whispers he might have been a big influence on your burnout for he was betraying you, and your senses screamed it, but you didn’t have words or strength to look into the horror your intuition called back then, so you deflected to other reasons - work burnout).

He can feel better about his low self worth if he dehumanizes you, undo you, makes you less worthy and hence "justified for replacement ".

The quick divorce? Is selfish yet. Get out asap so I don’t have to feel the sting of shame. Of course you have to do what makes him feel better, so he doesn’t have to feel "sorry" about how he destroyed you.

It is for him a green card to say you accepted and forgiven him, you still care. Not because he gives a shit of your feeling, but because you still putting effort to please him means his ego gets soothed and his narrative about "destiny" holds.

He has not to look himself in the mirror and reminds to his image what a piece of shit of a person he has become, and decided to embrace.

All to say, what he wants is fucking irrelevant.

All it matters is you. What do you want?

If you want a divorce and you feel ready for it then go ahead. On your condition. It doesn’t have to be quick or rushed. At your own pace.

You need to heal sister, before being devoured by ptsd this ain’t a light trauma, is a reality shattering one, sexual and emotional abuse that will reverberate through years unless you can heal it.

And like all, you can.
You must take a deep breath until your heart calms. Then speak tit the girl who is bleeding, take her hand and listen to her, to the emotions, what does she needs, what does she want.

What does it help her now.
She is your companion because she is you. Her direction is 5e only that matters, and those wounds may leave scars, but will heal if you hold her hand.

Breathe, listen, accept.

Then you will begin moving on.

And nowhere here on the healing path, is anywhere mattering what the heck "he" needs. That’s not to be ever included into the picture.

You heal yourself. What follows is secondary and when is time, you will have clarity on your side.