SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I discovered my husband cheating over a year ago, and I tried to give him several chances to repent, but he decided that he would prefer to continue to go on Tinder rather than fix our marriage. He threw it all away for cheap thrills. I have told him that I want a divorce, but he said that he's not going to file. So that is probably something that I will have to do, once I start making money (SAHM currently). I am just applying for jobs and trying to cohabitate until I can afford my own place.

While my husband obviously doesn't respect me or my opinion, I was shocked to find out that he booked a ticket to his home country without telling me. I only found out because of a notification on a tablet that he let the kids use. It was just for a week out, and he even asked me to give him a ride to the airport. What angers me is:

A. He booked it on credit, while also moaning and groaning about the bills (he wanted me to be a SAHM, btw)
B. He just assumed that I would watch the kids, cat and home (which I do anyway. But I hate that he just expects it).
C. He has been there for 3 days already, and he has not called or asked about our kids once.

Honestly, this is always how our marriage has been. He has gone on several vacations alone over the years, while I have to sacrifice and manage with the scraps. But it just angers me that he says that he loves the kids. If you love your kids, why would you just get up and go? Why wouldn't you call them? I feel like they are a plaything for him - to put back on the shelf when you're tired of them.

Anyway, I know that this will probably be my new reality: him doing whatever the heck he wants. While I have to continue to be present for the kids and make sure they are okay. And I am fine with that. I would literally do anything for my girls. But it just sucks that he does the bare minimum, and he is God in their eyes. Ugh.

At this point, the marriage is dead in my eyes. But I don't know if I should just try to file the divorce now and be a step ahead of him. Or should I wait until I can afford a lawyer, since he controls all of the money? Give me your thoughts, tips, anything!

You need to set up a few consultations with attorneys, now, right now, and don't tell him. You may not need to pay anything, they might be willing to take their fees out of your winnings, settlement, however it's called. At least find out.

Yes, many lawyers will provide an initial consultation for free, and no court will permit him to prevent you from paying your attorney - it’s your money too!

Don’t wait for him to rack up even more marital debt. Act now to protect your interests. Besides, you may get more alimony if you don’t have a job…

Soooo mad for you and sorry. My initial thoughts of reading what he did was "absolutely the f%^# not". You deserve better. Definitely see if you can talk to a lawyer. You need to be one step ahead of him. Try to see if you can find a way to make yourself some money. Life is short- you have already been in this shitty situation for a year. And he’s doing whatever the heck he wants.

There is only one reason why he’s behaving the way he’s behaving:
It’s because you allow him to do so…

Sorry for being so outspoken, but that’s the truth.
If you are cohabiting until you find and can afford your own place and that hasn’t happened for some time, then the odds of you finding money to file are low.

I want you to recognize a couple of things:
I don’t know where you are located, but in the vast majority (maybe even all states) and civilized countries become marital (combined) when you marry. Doesn’t matter who goes to work and bring home the check – it’s viewed as MARITAL income. Just like debts such as credit cards can be viewed as marital debt, so theoretically you are paying half of his vacation.

Another thing: What your husband is doing with financial control is abuse, and it’s recognized as abuse. Those that deal with abuse know this and recognize this.

This is why I’m going to suggest you check in your local community for domestic abuse hotlines and support centers. We tend to envision these places as last resorts for physically beaten women, but their front-line tends to have experienced counselors and advisers who are knowledgeable about the law and procedures in your area. They can suggest the next steps, possible pro-bono legal advice, how the marital funds can be used to pay for the divorce, possible instant granting of your right to remain in the family home with the kids and having him evicted, temporary spousal- and child support while the divorce process is handled.

You have more power than you know of, and it’s up to you to find out what you can do.