I can buy that definition of exoneration, but I do not buy the proposition that 'we' mean 'exonerate' when 'we' mean 'forgive'. That's why I usually as 'what do you mean?' when anyone here writes 'forgive'.
Yes, the "we" here is very presumptive. It resonated with me because this DID more closely align to what I had always viewed as "forgiveness". Possibly some "confirmation bias". No doubt. Although the themes he describes under "Exonerate" made sense to me, I don’t really like the word. I might go with something like "Absolution" being more in line with how I would view this (without going down a semantics rabbit hole). The thing that jumped out to me in this section is his brief description of exoneration "essentially means the slate is wiped completely clean and the relationship is restored to its previous sense of innocence". Is that even POSSIBLE with infidelity? Or like HouseOfPlane pointed out in this thread "You are defining forgiveness in a way that is unachievable for him and sets him up for failure in trying to reach it." Originally, the "forgiveness is for me" definition seemed to be "moving the goalposts" just to make forgiveness achievable when it otherwise wouldn’t be. Now, I have shifted to feeling like "Forbearance" fits more closely to the Infidelity journey for me. The slate not being completely wiped and at least a period of "trust but verify" coming into play. And there is still a degree of interaction involved.
In the years I have been (unfortunately) a student of infidelity, this "what is forgiveness" discussion comes up every so often. It seems it can be almost as polarizing as "define infidelity". People have told me I MUST forgive. Or if I haven’t, I’m holding on to resentment. For me, those have been different things. I can release resentment without declaring "I have forgiven". Others see it differently.
My biggest takeaway from the article is ALL of these encompass "forgiveness". It is less about "right or wrong" than "how do you see it, how do I see it and how do we each apply it to our lives and our healing journey." This made me see that although I had been leaning towards "exoneration/absolution", I can appreciate the other nuances and perspectives around other types or definitions of forgiveness and how those work for others.
