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Her comment about losing her Tuesday nights is so selfish. Here you are in obvious pain, and she's throwing herself a pity party.

I brought that up this morning and her response was, as usual, that's not what she meant. She said that's why she needs to take time to think about what she wants to say to make sure it comes out the right way

I said well that's not going to work if we're having a conversation. Why not just say the truth, be honest?

She said it's easy for you to say exactly what your thoughts are but it's not for me. I said well, when you say something and I react to it negatively, you say that's not what I meant, and you change your words. So how can I ever believe what you say?

She said I understand, it sounds like I'm just "people pleasing" you.

I'll find out tonight if that guy texted her Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. If Tuesday night he may have learned about her quitting when he started his shift. If Wednesday morning then I will point out the fact that a guy was thinking about her first thing in the morning and this didn't strike her as unusual.

Turns out I was off by one day. He texted her Tuesday morning.

I said so a man who is pretty much a stranger is thinking about you first thing in the morning and is comfortable with sending you a text? And you didn't see the red flag in this?

After a bit I said you know what, it doesn't sound like he is much of a stranger and maybe I just got luckier this time and stumbled onto something earlier

Then I told her if she wanted to cancel her resignation, no problem. I said this way you can keep the Wednesday night crew together and all of your work friends will be happy. This way her need to people please everyone regardless of consequence to her marriage is satisfied

What else could she possibly have meant by "There goes my Tuesday nights ... ?"

The more you say about her behavior here, the worse it gets. I’m convinced you’ve caught another EA in the making. She hadn’t learned shit.

I do linguistic analysis.

Something about "after all, it is a Wednesday night" bothered me, and I couldn’t put my finger on it until now.

My thoughts are that something other than "extra work" happens on Wednesday nights there. The same people try to work that shift together, for ine thing. And by saying what he said, it indicates there is a REGULAR activity happening Wednesday nights, and that your wife not only knows about it but has participated before.

You might want to take a look at her Wednesday behaviors before now. Look at the past Wednesday texts, and Thursday morning texts if you can.

I brought that up this morning and her response was, as usual, that's not what she meant. She said that's why she needs to take time to think about what she wants to say to make sure it comes out the right way

I said well that's not going to work if we're having a conversation. Why not just say the truth, be honest?

Good grief, WB1340! I have had this exact same conversation, down to the "just be honest" and "It's not about saying the right thing - it's about telling the truth."

She is trying to save her image and manage your feelings. I'm sorry, but she hasn't changed. She hasn't learned. Quitting her job is pointless. The same thing will happen in the next place because she hasn't changed.

I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 12:54 AM, Friday, July 17th]

There are no other texts that I have seen but after getting caught I'm sure she is wise enough to be more proactive about deleting. According to her this guy is 63 years old and not at all attractive to her. I'm not sure if I have ever met him at the restaurant so I can't confirm or deny

And Lord knows a 63 year old man would never be interested in a 52-year-old good looking woman :/

We're having another sit-down tonight, I put together several questions such as was he working that night when you sent a text about finding a spider in the stock room? If so why not just tell him face to face? If not, why did the thought enter your mind that I should text a guy I work with, who's not here, that I found a spider in the stock room?

If he was 45 years old 6'2" 190 lbs works out good looking great smile friendly, would you have sent him a text? If not, why not? If it's just innocent communication what's the difference?

The more I analyze the more flags I see. In my opinion, and I think our therapist agreed with us, she was fawning over another guy a while back. We went in for a wine tasting and then dinner. Our wine server was this good looking guy named Andy. While talking she asks him what was your previous career? Weren't you a cop or a fireman?

He said I was a cop. I guess it's pure coincidence that her AP was a cop as well. I think it was three or four weeks after that my brother had to take me to the ER because of yet another herniated disc in my lower back, my wife was working at the wine bar.

So my brother and I are in the waiting room and my wife shows up, I ask how did you get out of work and she said Andy was about to get off and I explained to my manager what was going on and Andy was standing there and he volunteered to cover my shift. Then she turns to my brother and says he used to be a cop or a fireman. Just for context, my brother is a retired firefighter paramedic

So here I am sitting in a wheelchair and once again, to me, my wife is fawning over a coworker. So my brother leaves and eventually I get back to a room and after the nurse leaves I asked why did you feel it was necessary to bring up Andy's former career in front of my brother? Why did you feel it necessary to bring it up at all?

Her response was well because he used to be involved in first responder situations and he understands the seriousness of the situation and your brother was a firefighter paramedic and I asked and what does that have to do with anything? Why didn't you simply say Andy volunteered to cover my shift? Why did you feel it necessary to ONCE AGAIN bring up his former career?

Any adult would understand that a coworker's husband in the ER is serious. It doesn't take a cop or a fireman to understand the seriousness of the situation.

When my wife and I first started dating I was actively testing to become a police officer. It was the only job I ever wanted. I made several lists but never high enough to be called up before a list was thrown out and they started testing again so eventually I gave up on it and stuck with being an electrician. I felt being a police officer was my calling. My wife has made the comment many times that she's SO glad that I never did become one and she knows it's a touchy subject for me, so to see her IMO fawning over a guy who was one AND her AP is a cop, JFC :/

The red flags just keep piling up

Can you get a pad, sync it to her phone and then delete the evidence of that off her phone?
She’s smart enough now to cover any possible tracks.

WB1340, what do you hope to get from asking her about the text messages? She has already made clear that she wants to answer in the "right" ways in order to manage your feelings about her. You can't trust that her answers will be honest.

You mention seeing a lot of red flags, and I agree. She has clearly crossed one of your boundaries. What did you promise yourself that you'd do if she broke this boundary again? Remember that you don't need a "smoking gun" level of evidence here. Your feelings are justified, and your next steps are yours to choose. If you find a way to make this okay, she'll just do it again in a few months or years, once things have calmed down.

Can you get a pad, sync it to her phone and then delete the evidence of that off her phone?
She’s smart enough now to cover any possible tracks

She has an iPad that is synced but she doesn't use it anymore and the battery is dead. I suppose I could plug it in and check it but if she deletes a message off her phone it would be deleted from the tablet as well.

I suppose I could plug it in and check it but if she deletes a message off her phone it would be deleted from the tablet as well.

Actually, at least with iOS devices, if it’s the Apple Messages app, then messages must be deleted off each individual device. Sync up that iPad. Just plug it in - don’t matter if the battery is shot. If she ever deletes a message off her phone you’ll have the smoking gun

According to her this guy is 63 years old and not at all attractive to her. I'm not sure if I have ever met him at the restaurant so I can't confirm or deny

It’s obviously my testimony so it’s not necessarily meaning that is the same case, but I don’t think the man appearance ever mattered as much as far as the women I know of.

There’s of course some influence, but I always felt like it’s nothing but a bonus if the guy is "hot". Hard to put the finger on it, but let’s say you talk to a friend about an attractive girl. You speak about what? Beauty, character most likely and how she makes you feel when she is around. And then just like an afterthought you mention "oh, and she’s very rich too! Got a kick ass career ".

That kind of feeling. Something very nice and unique, but just an afterthought about what really matters.

And the opposite is true as well, imagine the girl who you talk about with your friends was very poor, and that was her "visit card", it turned your interest off mostly in the beginning, but as you get grip of her beautiful appearance and personality, you don’t care a bit about her financial disastrous situation.

My experience with female friends was that often they had a very disappointing first impression about the look of the guy they ended up fawning all over or being completely cooked off. Because they were "ugly " unfit and really not the kind of person who turns heads or even get spotted in a crowded room.

But after the initial reaction that faded and its irrelevant, unless the guy is borderline repulsive to her it seem to become an afterthought. Even remember friends voicing their first disappointment with the guy they end up cooked for, but after a few dates I hear only "his job is so great, he’s so good at this, he’s so dedicated to that, how he makes me feel…"…. Cooked.

In the past when very young, I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Today I kind of expect it.

Mind you this is only my personal experience with every woman I know personally. It doesn’t mean everyone is like this.

But I tell you that if I was confronted by my wayward with the argument "I don’t feel that guy attractive at all!" My reaction would be "bullshit, You have betrayed me with literal toads before. You are just trying to soothe me and manage me by using the argument that matters the least to you." Older, unhealthy, ugly and greasy. Those are not the men that give her validation when showing them off in public, but she fucked them behind my back anyway.

The man appearance matters but very little when his story, life or career tickles the girls fantasies.

So no, I don’t think I would be satisfied with your wife explanation if I were in your shoes.

I would feel it is likely an excuse, not that it has to be dishonest, she may really find the guy "ugly and unattractive " but still be attracted by him. Kind of managing the BS with a lie told by speaking the truth.

I don’t know if this resonates with your experience, but I think the biggest red flags 🚩 are where our wayward woman gets her fantasies tickled, not really important if the guy is hot or not.

And you can be sure from the other side, if the girl is hot, the other guy is more than tickled about the opportunity, especially if he’s ugly or mediocre.

It’s all ebout fantasies and ego boosts.

I think you might have caught her early in the same slippery slope of her dysfunctional patterns.

She might genuinely be oblivious to that and the fact the guy is "forgettable " might have given her a false sense of safety, stepping in the very same slippery slope of her past infidelity.

I don’t know her, but does she have a kind of knack for romantic movies with authority figures doing exciting and heroic stuff? Things like cops, first responders, disaster movies, spy movies, government officials doing dramatic bull with the ever present danger and girl romance as the plot?

I ask because it seems like it could be her kind of immature fantasy and maybe is a thing that she would like to address in her therapy if that’s the case.

I am not sure she is cheating you again just yet, intentionally seems like she was genuinely working on healing and becoming safe for you.

But unintentionally she seems to be easy to relapse in her patterns because she may lack awareness of what even her patterns are. And that still does put you right back in the betrayal trauma of DDay.

Your call to order might have just swept the fantasies away, but she needs to look carefully under the rug and seriously address your concerns and make a cleanup of her old trash swept under.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:08 AM, Sunday, July 19th]