SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for checking in everyone.

I’m doing OK, I think?

We’re talking, more day by day. I delivered the speech too.

I’m taking this a step at a time. We’ll see if she follows through

I 100% understand what you're dealing with. I also just found out about my husband of 14 years. Please do not blame yourself or the lack of support that she has because she had you! All that anything takes is communication I feel like. If she was having a hard time or struggling All she had to do was come to you. And you cannot question your feelings because they are yours. There is no right way to feel or wrong way there is only what gets you through it. If you choose to stay and forgive then you're going to have to commit to that. However if you cannot then that is okay too. When I found out I'm the kind of person where I need to express my feelings right away. I feel like I need to talk about this almost constantly with my spouse until I feel enough validation have enough of my questions answered satisfactory and even then it's going to take therapy. So if you want to be angry and yell at her and tell her how you feel then you get to do that! And if she doesn't accept that from you then that's the red flag. Because you are the hurt one here and the fact that you guys were literally intimate right beforehand makes it so much more hurtful! And the way that this hurts is I feel un explainable if you haven't gone through it yourself. Anyway you have tons of replies to read I myself have just joined the site as well and if only been speaking with an AI counselor. But I wish you all the best and I feel like everybody deserves to be loved the way that they want to be loved and if you're not getting the love the way that you want it then as hard and as scary as it is maybe that's a sign to move on? And I am a hypocrite because I'm staying with my spouse for now at least and trying to work it out but I'm hoping that I too have the courage and self-love to if I don't feel satisfied with the way that he is loving me to pick up and walk away. Good luck

I’m sorry to hear that this has happened to you too. The group of people here who have been helping me cope, give me support and sharing their experience has been so immensely helpful.

I hope you find the strength, wisdom and peace you need in your situation too.

I’m taking this day by day, and we’ll see if she’s serious.

I’ve decided to give this a month. Watch her actions, and see what she does and how she treats our situation.

I’ve got about half of my things pre-packed and if I need to leave, I’ll be ready.

I haven't seen any new calls or messages to him on our phone bill.

I haven't gotten any new feelings of her hiding anything from me.

She's been talking to me each day, keeping me apprised of how work's going, when she's coming home, etc.

I know it's only been a few days since we got back from our trip (which was a good time by the way, we were able to enjoy the road trip and all of the spots we saw along the way without any major tension. we were able to talk a bit along the way too.) but we have been able to enjoy each others company and it doesn't feel completely awkward. She knows that she's got a lot of work to do. I hope she can keep this up.

Oh, Pete, I hope you're right. I'm praying for you.

Check her phone for alternate messaging apps. If she's on Android, check uninstalled apps through the play store. I don't know how to do this on Apple but somebody here does. Play store, select the profile (picture,) Manage Apps and Devices, manage tab, change the filter from "this device" to "uninstalled." if she's had whatsapp or one of the other on her phone, you know that she's gone underground a bit. Sometimes, you can get some history back by reinstalling the app in question. You can also sometimes get into setup, check battery status and get a glimpse of apps that have been active but that disappears every time the phone is fully charged.

Its common for people to use these alternate messaging apps to avoid hitting the text history on the phone bill and to delete them after a session to hide their tracks. It's also common to delete a contact and add them back to do the same thing if it's normal and expected to have those apps but you want to hide a conversation. it's also common for one or both affair partners to have burner phones. Hers would be at work in her locker or in her car, I'd imagine. Maybe some place in your building that she frequents outside your apartment, roof access maybe? If he has a burner, that number may be in your wife's phone under a different name so any new phone number that has several calls or texts to it might be a clue. You told her that you saw her history on the phone bill. If she's up to no good, she'll avoid creating a record that way in the future. Her car's radio probably has a record of Bluetooth devices that its been connected to. Some unknown phone would be a clue and putting a VAR in the car would be a strong move because she likely talks in the car on whatever device she has.

I hope I'm wrong and you're right. I just don't have that much faith in humanity.

Sounds like she is making positive steps. That’s great. I hope it continues. Keep healing and working on you. Always watch her actions, not her words. Good luck.

@OnceASailor

Thanks for the investigative tips! Fortunately, we don't have anywhere near our building where she could sneak off to for anything like that. I actually have checked her number for whatsapp and signal (and a few other messaging apps) and it hasn't been registered for those apps previously or recently as well.

I've resisted asking for her phone because what good will it do me now? I already know she cheated on me. If she's going to do it again I'll find out. I've gotten back to my more observant self and will definitely notice if anything's off, and if she's gone back to him, I will find out.

I checked her car the other day when she asked me to help her swap a headlight bulb for her, no other devices there and I've looked all over for anything else here at home.

I know people who cheat do sometimes try and keep their affair going, but I also don't want to live in that headspace that she'll continue to try and do that. Especially if she knows (and has said herself) that "this is the last straw".

I hope I'm right, I hope she's finally being honest with me.

@fareast

Thank you so much, I hope so too.

[This message edited by petecarparts at 2:15 PM, Friday, July 17th]

The thing is, you don’t really have no reason to not bring the phone in for forensic analysis. Frankly the biggest benefit is seeing the look on her face when you let her know that it is a condition.

I've resisted asking for her phone because what good will it do me now?

Doing so drives home the truth she’s lost all credibility with you and she needs to begin the YEARS long effort to rebuild trust. It also gives you a data point every time you ask to see her phone. Does she instantly hand it over to you without any objection whatsoever? Great - that’s PRECISELY what she should do if there’s an ounce of remorse in her. Or does she push back in any way? That tells you something very important - she hasn’t reached any kind of true remorse.

Do you not want to know where she’s at? I fear you’re shooting yourself in the foot by refusing to hold her accountable in such ways…..

Those are both very good points.

Maybe I should just ask sometime soon. This week has been good, but maybe I'll ask when she's done with work. Sunday could be a good time since we're both off of work for the whole day.

Hi Pete,

I've resisted asking for her phone because what good will it do me now? I already know she cheated on me. If she's going to do it again I'll find out.

Will you find out, if you prohibit yourself from some of the routes to doing so?

I know people who cheat do sometimes try and keep their affair going, but I also don't want to live in that headspace that she'll continue to try and do that.

This sounds to me like wishful thinking: "I realise that some people keep their affair going, but I don't want to find out that my wife is one of them".

I hope I'm right, I hope she's finally being honest with me.

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

I really know where you're coming from, my friend, because I'm still not even practicing everything I preach here.

Like you I was paralysed by wishing to return to a time in which I "knew" everything was fine without checking her messages. I never signed up to be my wife's policeman, and I didn't want to be in a marriage where I had to be.

We were many months down the line before I asked her to go through her WhatsApp messages to/from her AP (a guy from work) and give me a written description (with any real-world context I might not be aware of) any that she thought I might be uncomfortable with.

She did so.

I then told her that when she had given me her phone to get the smashed screen repaired the week before, I had exported that message history, but I had not yet opened that zip file.

She quickly send me version 2 of the written description. It was almost twice as long as v1.

I want you to know that I really do understand where you're coming from with this wishful thinking: I still haven't opened that zip file.

Just getting caught up on your thread. So sorry youre here having to face this.

You said;

I also don't want to live in that headspace that she'll continue to try and do that. Especially if she knows (and has said herself) that "this is the last straw".

I hope I'm right, I hope she's finally being honest with me.

This is tbe conundrum of all faithful spouses dealing with a marital traitor who is, at least in the present, showing signs of remorse, accountability, and self improvement. The faithful spouse, wanting to save the marriage, draws another line in the sand (the last straw), hoping against against hope that the changes are real and lasting. That the WS will not succumb again. That they are not just "white knuckling" their attempt to remain faithful. That their secret memories of betrayal will be despised, not relished. Above all, that they actually DO love their spouse and have somehow developed a concept of love that includes faithfulness, loyalty, committment, integrity AND true affection & desire for their spouse.

Can this happen? Assuredly. There are excellent examples of such former waywards that have successfully reconciled with their faithful spouse right here on this site. Are these exampmes indicative of of a higher probabilty of success in your (or my though long passed) case? In my opinion, no. At least not in my experience.

So, it really is a gamble and the stakes are very very high, as in your future happiness. I dont advise people one way or the other, just encourage the Faithful to think long and hard about what they want their life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years and whether they think the WS can help or hinder achievimg that vision.

Take your time. Smoke no hopium.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 7:19 PM, Saturday, July 18th]

Getting the phone in the next couple days would give you a benefit, in that she’s going to relax a bit and think the major storm had passed, so she would tend to be nonchalant about deleting or being more proactive in hiding anything she’s got going on in her phone.

There is a HUGE reason why everyone here has been harping on you to get into it. It sucks having to go to that level, but it’s the position she has put you in, not you.