She's using you, most likely as a live-in nanny and housekeeper. The fact that she turns everything back on you is a telltale sign of an abuser. She's using emotional abuse to keep you stuck.
Have you considered that you might be codependent? A lot of partners of addicts are. It seems to me that you are taking on all the responsibility for the marriage and family. That seems codependent to me.
I understand being afraid of losing the life you have. A big change like that is scary. Sometimes, it has to be done for your health.
I stayed for the kids and to maintain my life. I am the SAHP. After Dday, I also stayed for a bit of revenge. My husband is military. There's a lot of suspicion in the military of spouses staying for the benefits and such. My husband accused me of that shortly after Dday. It was one of his justifications. So, I decided to show him how it would be if I stayed for the money and easy life.
I stopped doing everything except taking care of my kids. I don't cook anymore. I rarely clean or do laundry. I left it all to him. He seemed to be clueless. He's the codependent one, so he just took on everything.
My advice is probably the same as everyone else. Get an attorney. Tell her to leave. Move yourself into another room, or move her into another room. You leaving is tricky when it comes to divorce. It can be seen as abandonment of your kids and your home. Don't engage with her except about business type matters, like bills. No emotional engagement. Cut her off, and file for divorce.
I wish you well.
Me(BW): 1970WH(caveman): 1970Married June, 2000DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EADDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraphStatus: just living my life
