SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am WP (32M), BP (29F).

We had been together 18 months at time of A, lives together for most of that. Although house shared with others. Dating period progressed very quickly to monotonous relationship and I was very busy studying towards professional exams so admittedly didnt focus enough on the relationship or work on myself.

A series of disagreements and difficulties arose between months 14-16 which we didn’t have the skills to resolve healthily. Prior to that we had also toxic disagreements which I found draining due to my autism. I felt we were incompatible and started feeding the idea that I wanted to separate but procrastinated for many months. In this time I started talking to someone at my local gym.

This progressed to a few dates and we slept together a few times before I initiated split with BP. At the time I was set on not continuing with either of them.

However, due to poor emotional control / boundaries and indecisiveness I was on / off talking with both and developed a rebound relationship with AP as we were in gym together a lot. This went on for around 3 months and we slept together again but also spent a lot of time building a connection.

After a few months I realised the size of the problem and tried to cut off AP numerous times but struggled to maintain boundaries again. Was also offered multiples time the opportunity to end with BP but felt this horrible sensation in my body that kept stopping me.

Have ended up back with BP after a few months of TT, she wants to stay together and still sees marriage and kids on the table. I have been severely ill mentally, pervasive anxiety, depression etc.

I have ended up on SSRI’s as have been having suicidal thoughts for months since disclosure. I feel like a different person who is unable to fulfil my dreams and potential.

Initially stayed with BP out of fear of eternal loneliness and death. After months together she is showing the much maturer side of herself that I wished had been present beforehand. Not sure if I am also more ‘compatible’ now due to my mental illness and severe change in personality and character.

Everything makes me sad and depressed as I know my life will never be the same again and my autism struggles with this, as well as lack of routine I now have. I used to go gym 5 x a week and eat well. This used to ground me day to day but I cannot keep it up at the moment.

By heart I am a builder, whether that’s building a career, physique or home. I wanted to build a family but now feel this dream, or that way I envisioned it is now over. I was naive to enter a rebound relationship and also didn’t appreciate that great relationships are built rather than found.

Looking for advice on how to navigate this crisis and get control over symptoms. BP wants a baby next year which seems way too soon given the scenario.

Thanks

No stop sign.

Do not have a child before you get all of this sorted out.

I feel like I need to repeat this 10 times, but I won’t.

I’m in agreement with you, I feel like I’ve spurned my chance to have kids. BP has always wanted kids and was persistently talking about them before the A whilst we were having difficulties which had me concerned. Instead of discussing together I sought an escape so probably deserving of this karma!

I was definitely reading the suicidal thoughts from you. You seem to lack hope your life can and will improve. I am very worried about you. I hope that you are seeking support, and will not do anything rash.

This season is painful. Think of the deep pain as a symptom that has root causes that can be treated and even healed.

I did not realize your bs is willing to try and reconcile with you. It seemed like at first that your depression stemmed from a failed reconciliation? I do not think having kids should be in the table until things have stabilized. I m not sure you can handle more stress right now. Having babies can be a joyous occasion but it’s major upheaval and you have enough going on!

I have had the debilitating pain. I know how dark things can seem, how hopeless. But please know that somewhere in all of this you are divinely loved and inherently worthy. There is a path forward, do not give up. All is not hopeless.

My brain chemistry took a huge nosedive from having an affair. When you do it to escape pain, you get very reliant on the brain chemicals that flood you during the affair. When that stimulus is removed it’s rock bottom sort of situation. So know some of this is probably withdrawal-which will run it’s course.

I was constantly trying to write what I was feeling gratitude over and really trying to feel that. I was too numb. To get some of the brain chemistry back it did reunite forcing myself to get active again. Eating right and getting active can help you restore some of that brain chemistry imbalance. But I also know it’s hard in the state you are in to get it started again especially since this affair also is entwined in that activity. Start by trying to sit outside for fifteen minutes a day. Touch your bare feet to the ground during it.

Then consider switching gyms, and trying to go once. Simply get a day pass. If you can’t be in that environment try and talk walks or even go on runs. Running helped me significantly.

Try and remind yourself to be present. Throughout the day take a few mindful breaths. If you are doing a chore, just focus on doing the best job you can with that chore and sty completely present until it’s finished. The more you can get out of your head and into the present moment the better you will start to feel.

Also if your meds are not helping, please go back to your doctor. Those can be hard to get right to find what works.

It’s not too late. You haven’t ruined your life. Some of your best days are ahead. Keep posting.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:38 PM, Monday, June 16th]