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Not a poll really, but just interested in any ideas or experience any of my fellow SI'rs have tried or have known worked out.

Background: 20 years IHS trying for R that's never happened. We signed a post nup in 2014, where WH deeded BW the house in exchange for another house BW deeded to WH and he sold later. There are no children and no families left alive on either side. As each of us are getting "elderly," neither like the idea of 100% solo living, yet fWH continuing to live in MY house with separate room isn't working well even as a roommate. (Lack of trust on my part to have a "reformed" SAWH living under this roof. Too great a history of deception and financial lack of honesty going back 20+ years.)

fWH owns a big fifth wheel camper which could work well as his full time "apartment" since he likes working in my barn on his customer's cars - it's a rural occupation he can do but it's my barn. There would need to be a septic system installed and a well water tap. Alternatively, he could build his own new house across the street on acreage we still jointly own (which could be divided in a divorce settlement; it's surveyed as 2 equal sized lots.)

He isn't "interested" in doing either of these, by the way, it's too comfortable here with the BW. :(
Just interested in any thoughts anybody has about either of these ideas. Thanks in advance!

Each of my ideas seem somewhat better than duplexing my house, because doing that option I'd still be dealing with the "What goes on here that I'm not aware of?" trust issue, even if I didn't have to clean up after him!

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:52 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

I know of a divorced couple that did a camper + house setup while co-parenting. The camper was parked on the side of the house and hooked up to water, sewer, and power, so that can certainly work and would probably be easier than building a house across the street.

If he's reluctant to move out, would you consider building a house across the street and moving there yourself? When WS and I separated, I decided to move out. All the memories in our house felt tainted, and it's been nice to have a fresh start. If you build the house across the street, you could make it exactly what you wanted, if that holds any appeal (assuming your financial situation would allow it).

Thank you for this reply! Your're right that the camper option/idea would be a lot cheaper than a house building project (and I've BTDT, lots of work.) Did you happen to find out how that divorce arrangement ended up? Like, did somebody get tired of hanging out in the camper?

I'm even on the fence about staying in this area long term, as I age. If fWH were to build a new house across the street and then I decide to sell the place that he still feels is "home base," as we bought it together and spent years renovating it, I wonder if he'd really want to look at it every day and not come onto the property. I don't think I would.

I’m not really keen on this idea...
If you look at your present situation then the end-result seems to be that your BH got a house he could sell (and I assume the money went into his pocket) while still living in the house he deeded to you, and now he isn’t really keen on changing that living situation. After all – why should he?
I’m guessing this could end up with you having to evict him and even that could be tough. The house might be in your name, but legally you are married and it is his legal abode.

I’m assuming that when he deeded the present house to you the land was included.
So what would happen legally if he built a house? Would that be in his name? At his cost?
What happens if circumstances change and you need to sell and move?
Or if he wants to sell the house he built and paid for on your land?

Not saying it can’t be done. Like maybe his house is on a recognized subplot in his name.
Of the options you mention I guess the camper suggestion is the least damaging/binding. But I strongly suggest you have all the legal consequences and commitments clear to you.

Thanks Bigger, you always make good points about these kinds of separation dilemmas. In 2014 after WH begged me not to D, my lawyer changed the property settlement agreement he'd prepared to a "marital agreement" which divided all our assets except one vehicle, one joint bank account I never use, and his retirement account. I was in a bind at that time with no income at all and little savings - my own retirement account had been wiped during both the crash of 2000 and again in 2008 when it dropped back to the same low balance. I thought the best thing was to do an "equitable distribution exchange" of my old house for this land and farmhouse, with deeds of gift executed at that time. However, we kept the lots across the road jointly held.

Later on, I met with my lawyer to find out what I'd be dealing with if I ever need him to leave. He clearly told me that by our agreement, H had surrendered all spousal rights to this house, and said "he remains a guest, at your pleasure." He could have moved to his house at any time and I often asked him to move, but it was inconvenient to his daily schedule, as it was 50 miles away. So he just didn't budge, nor did he do anything to repair the damage to this relationship or get any kind of IC.

He of course got all the proceeds from the sale of that house, which he apparently has frittered away over the last 5 years since he sold it. I know he has bought the camper and a diesel truck with part of that money. I don't ask, as our accounts are separate. But my lawyer assured me that due to our notarized agreement, if I ever wanted him to move out, he'd have to leave; the sheriff could serve him an eviction notice. I really don't want it to come to that point.

If I were to sell the farm and he'd already built a house across the road, I guess he'd have to either suck it up and look every day at what he could have had, or he could decide to sell out and move. If it were me, I would not want to have to see my ex every day coming and going. He could also sell the land over there and use it as a down payment on another place, but he isn't interested in moving away or in taking on debt.

Maybe the camper idea has some merit. If he got out of the house, it would ease my day-to-day strain and he'd not have to move out of the neighborhood from his/our friends. A place for a tenant or Air B-n-B rental could add value to the farm property. It's a hassle getting it approved but may be worth it. I don't really want to invest thousands of my life savings into a separate septic system just for a camper site and still need to conform to a 30 day temporary occupancy limit, so I'd need to ask for a special exception from the county. It is complicated.

The simplest solution by far would be for him to become a compatible house companion! But so far he shows no inclination of that ever happening.

If he moves to the camper or the house across the road, won't you still be concerned about who visits him? If you do separate physically, wouldn't it be better for you to be far away from him?

Good question. One reason I'm debating about moving him back out of this house, rather than maybe putting in a kitchenette and laundry upstairs as an "in-law suite," is my lack of trust in what he might do with his electronics addiction. Had enough D-Days already. And it is just plain hard to do IHS for endless days, as everyone here says.

At least a camper would be somewhere on my property, so if that was going on, some visitors could be considered trespassers. Depends who it is; the local farmer guys, no problem. They often come by my house heading to the barn shop, to get his help on their machinery down the road from here. He loves being the fix-it guy for everybody. One reason he doesn't want to move.

In 2020, on my last D-Day (discovering him porn watching on a burner phone that he swore he didn't have) I ordered him out of my house that same night. At my suggestion, he pulled our old camper up to the front yard and spent the next 6 months sleeping in it, and using one of my bathrooms every night. (That D-Day happened just 3 days prior to his going to closing on the sale of HIS house, so at that moment, he had nowhere else to go. Despite me telling him for 6 years that if he lied again about his SA or finances, he was outta my house the same day. So that happened, inconvenient as it was for everyone.)

But 5 months later, the winter winds were fierce and he complained the small camper roof was rumbling, keeping him awake, and the ice on the aluminum walk plank from the camper door to my front door was also a hazard. I didn't want him or anybody to get hurt, so I put up a handrail for safety, but eventually I took pity on the whole stupid situation and set him up in what had been a small upstairs sitting room with a half bath, and this is where he has slept every night for the last 4.5 years! Plus the camper wasn't an asset to the look of the house, even though it is not visible from the public road.

Thinking more deeply about a new house across the road for him, now I'm guessing we'd need to already be Divorced and have done the land swap on those lots prior to him building on what would become his own lot. After Bigger's post, it occurred to me that any lender would ask to see his tax returns for the last 3 years, and due to our accountant in 2020 urging us to file jointly (just to lower his huge capital gains hit from his sale) and because every year since then, she keeps preparing a joint tax return for his business and my retirement income, at the very least I'd need to stop allowing that again, some time before he'd be able to borrow money to build on his own. And putting the bigger camper over there would not fly with the county, due to those lots having been re-zoned Residential.

It does help me to talk all this out, thanks!!!