SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

New here, so, excuse me if I break any unwritten rules. I´ll try to keep it short. I´ll tell the events in chronology.

Married, in my forties, we have kids.

First time around, I was caught using an app (it was from another country, I was basically flirting online with a couple of women from another continent) I am not trying to justify myself, but my "rationale" is, I really wanted to feel desired and seen. It was a very low period in the relationship after the first child.

I got a second chance.

The second time. Wife was pregnant with second child, I was away for work for half a year, visitng every couple of weeks. I visited an escort. At the time of the act I felt almost sick to my stomach... I basically paid for seeing a lady in her underwear and got to the point of getting half undressed.
My wife was going over my phone, she found some very obvious messages. This time I thought I lost her for good. It was months away, cut off of all contact, one of my darkest periods, trying to make the new job work. We ended up reconciling and moving to a new place.

After 6 years here, living as a family, and a third child, over a year with no intimacy and very spotty moments for ourselves. One night I resorted to a video chat with a cam girl. Again... days later she found out. (again going over my phone, stupid me, but I guess truth finds a way). As a side note, we never had an issue with pornography or anything of the sort (she and I don't mind this)

I am not looking for sympathy. Trying to give a little context of the times this happened and how apart they were. This last time was a few months ago, this time it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. She is taking time to reflect, needed some distance, she now took a small holiday (long overdue since its her first "alone time" since the kids were born) visiting family and friends abroad.

I am a bit desperate, definitely pushing were I should grant space, lots of insecurities bubbling up. Afraid of her deciding not to pursue reconciliation (although she has repeated her intention to do so) she wants to work things out for our kids, for the life we built...

I guess I don't have any questions now, just putting my story out there, in case someone resonates, has some advice.

I am doing therapy, working on myself, reading. Trying to take this the most proactive and conscientious way possible. I want to change this pattern that seems to have appeared in my life. If I get a positive outcome my wish is to never fall back and hurt her feelings and her trust again. I want a way forward in rebuilding trust...

I have struggled to find a response that is helpful. It’s outside my realm of experience.

It sounds like you have not been able to deal with the less attention that comes with pregnancies. Maybe you can tell us more about what that part was like?

It sounds like you have been trading instant gratification for the thing you claim to want which is your wife and family. That is not a judgement at all, I too decided the short term pay off was shinier. I am just trying to relate and mirror back what I see in your post.

Do you feel like the lack of consequences has led you to do essentially the same sorts of behaviors for all three pregnancies? And with three small children that takes up a lot of space. How are you managing that?

Hi,
Don´t worry about pointing fingers ofr being direct. I promise you you cannot be as harsh as I am on myself. I take no offense and value direct data if it gets the point through rather than taking a long way around. In the same regard, I will talk in a crude and matter of factly way when stating facts, just for brevity's sake. I understand the weight of my actions and I am going through a very conscientious process, also trying to do the work... I just want to save people reading this some time.

Again, I am not trying to justify myself, but since you asked, all my betrayals coincided with long moments of very low to non existant intimacy (except for the first one if memory served correctly)

First time it was flirting online, after some proper introspection I feel it had to do with a long rooted feeling of validation I sought in feeling attractive or "desired" by women. I placed a lot of self worth in this perceived sense of value.

Second time it definitely had to do with me being away for a long time (definitely this worked up a sense of lack of accountability and being able to "get away with it" given the distance). There was also an element of lack of intimacy (life with a kid and wife being pregnant). This time the consequences were much dire. The pain I inflicted on my wife and the aftermath were also more brutal. I was basically almost cut off contact with my family for two months.

Last time was many years apart. Again, there was an element of distance and lack of intimacy (understandable with the ups and downs of life with three kids). We have had a LONG time with no physical intimacy whatsoever. We were basically flying on autopilot... daily life, putting kids to bed, watch an episode on something next to each other (cuddle yes)... A couple of kisses a day was basically all our physical interaction.(again, excuse the crude and short explanation of the surrounding facts)

In this circumstances, it happened that I was then covered in work, working long hours at night on a project (apart from my 9 to 5). The "cover of night" plus having turned to pornography (which was never an issue in our relationship to begin with) made me eventually "turn the heat up"... if it makes sense? going to a live cam call felt like a step out of the boundaries of normal use of pornography but still not as bad as physical encounter with another person (at least in my "man" reasoning brain back when I did it).

In all these cases, I have never laid a finger on, nor have I kissed another woman... if that serves as any (if at least poor= consolation. I have not sought an emotional affair either. And none of these instances extended in time. they were, in an of themselves, a "spur of the moment" trying to satisfy an itch...

Again, not justifying. I have seen the damage I have done to my wife, her trust, our relationship and the risk I have put my family life into... in repeated occasions, no less. Guilt is eating me inside...

Maybe this clarifies some of your questions?

How I am managing now?
I stopped using pronography altogether. I guessed might as well stay away from any "temptation" for now.

I have stopped masturbating for a while now. (I know there are medical reasons why this is not recomendable, but, seeing that is the first time in my life I have gone any period of time without doing so... ) I am not saying I won´t go back to any of these practices. I just wanted to focus my time and energy on trying to find any hidden root causes, avoid any posibility of reincidence in any betraying behavior, and I want to re build trust and work towards a full reconciliation.

I am still learning what this looks like and what work I will have to do. My wife still has to figure out things for herself. And I want to give her the space and support she needs to do so. I want too be there for her, for our daughters, and as corny as it may sound, be a better person.