I am having the unfortunate dichotomy of experiencing a disdain for my wayward for what she did and put the family through while at the same time feeling empathy for her fuckedupedness that led her down the path she took.
She walks on eggshells regularly in fear that she has done something to anger me. That I may experience a trigger. That I may just up and leave. She admittedly lives in a constant fear that I may wake up one morning and say I can’t do this anymore. And she is right, because I have given it deep consideration many a night.
She speaks to her friend who is in the throes of an affair, and tells her how bad off she is, and how not worth it what she is doing is, and how much damage she is causing, and having it all fall on deaf ears.
There is a certain level of disgust she feels with her friend. But I know it is also with herself because her friend is a mirror to her during her A. She knows that at that time, she would not have listened to anyone either.
Then there are the times that we may meet someone new, a business associate, client or coworker. They often speak on how beautiful she is and how she is such a great wife. I see those uncomfortable smiles, I feel her shame as she knows that I no longer see her that way, and she feels she is not those things. The shame is palpable.
These are some of the consequences of her actions.
She invalidated the safety in her own marriage through her own actions. Yet I know that it is no way for a person to live.
Constantly in fear, constantly in stress. Scared.
I feel empathy even though I am not at all an empathic person. That empathy is mixed into an emotional gumbo of anger, loathing, love, sorrow, compassion, revulsion. I despise her for putting us here, I despise myself for no longer despising her.
I feel guilty for not being more receptive to everything she has/is trying to do to be a better person and wife…everything she is doing to make amends.
I no longer call her names…and I am well past that stage. Yet I still think to myself how stupid she was. How she destroyed her marriage for the compliments and attention of some loser who cared nothing for her other than what he could use her for. How she damaged the life we built for something so fleeting.
Yet I am wondering why I don’t hate her…i wonder why I truly didn’t leave when I should’ve…i wonder would I be better off with someone else new without the baggage we now carry.
I look at her and try to see her humanity, feel the empathy and move on, but what I feel is a lot of nothingness.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated
