SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I am relatively new here, so forgive me if I use any of the abbreviations correctly. Still getting the knack of them.

Long story short, my wife told her AP that she would no longer be in contact with him a few hours after I confronted her on D-Day. She refused to block him, however, because they had been sexting, and she feared that he would try to blackmail her, saying that she wanted the possibility of getting a "heads up" if he decided to do that. It made me uneasy and I didn’t fully buy it, but after asking several times and getting the same answer, I tried to let it go.

Still, I went through her phone every night for weeks after, looking for correspondence between the two on every app I could think of. There didn’t appear to be any. Though, funny story, I did see notifications on her screen from an app called Flo and demanded to know whether she was using that to communicate with him, and, well, if you know anything about that app, you would understand why she couldn’t suppress a laugh about that one.

Three days after D-Day, she let me know that AP texted her again, and asked for permission to respond. I tentatively gave it to her. She ended up lecturing him on how much pain she saw in my face that morning and how immoral it is to pursue relationships with married people. I think I would have preferred if she hadn’t responded at all, and it seemed kind of hypocritical, but at least she had the right spirit.

He has texted her again twice since, three weeks out, and just yesterday, six months out. Each time she has let me know and not responded. She says she feels "disrespected" when he does that, and complains to me about him "violating the boundary" she set. A little ironic. While I wish she would have just blocked him to begin with so he wasn’t harassing her and re-triggering the both of us, I take her reaction to it to be a good sign.

Yesterday she posted on a different infidelity forum, expressing her displeasure at his continued attempts to contact her. While they didn’t buy her explanation that she was afraid of blackmail either, which visibly upset her to the point where I asked her what was going on, they seemed to have convinced her to finally block him. She said she guesses if he was going to blackmail her, he would have done so already. Took her long enough, but I am counting this as a small victory!

Just thought I would come here to share it with you all. Thanks for reading.

WTF. No contact = No contact. That means no contact. None. Why would you think anything else? Enforce your fucking boundaries.

I mean, if I went almost 6 months without hearing back from someone, I would not consider myself "in contact" with them, but maybe we define that term differently. The boundary has been enforced.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 7:30 AM, Saturday, December 13th]

That's a really good sign that she is interacting on an infidelity forum. Happy for you.

I mean, if I went almost 6 months without hearing back from someone, I would not consider myself "in contact" with them, but maybe we define that term differently. The boundary has been enforced.

If there was no contact, then what would the problem have been to block him? My wife waffled on this also. "I don't talk to him anymore, so why should I have to block him?" I turned that right back around and pointed out that if there really is no more communication, then why would it be a problem blocking him? There's some more to my story, but suffice it to say, she did block him (and did a whole lot more) when I made it clear that divorce was on the table. Once I did that, she made some drastic changes and actually started focusing on repairing the damage she'd done.

Your wife fearing blackmail or whatever seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me. However, her becoming active on infidelity sites and taking advice given there to heart is a good sign. You're right that him trying to contact her is a re-trigger, and her refusal to block him is a red flag. Even if she was being honest and let you know about the times (all of the times? You can't really know that for certain) he tried to contact her, it's still disconcerting. Her main focus right now needs to be doing things to demonstrate that she can be a safe partner again. Not just saying the words. Actions. That's what counts. If she wants to remain in the marriage she should be willing to do anything it takes to make you feel safe again.

I will repeat tho, I do think her proactively seeking advice on infidelity forums is a step in the right direction.

She can't control her ap. She told you about the attempts to restart the A. That's good, too.

We sometimes use comparisons to addiction to try to understand infidelity.
Your wife’s refusal to block OM... That’s the alcoholic that has had an intervention, realizes there might be a problem and commits to sobriety. Might even agree to have all the bottles of vodka and gin removed from the house. But... refuses to throw away that cognac that is on display in a corner of the living room. The cognac they never share with anyone but is nice to have just sat there.
For most this would indicate a reluctance to quit drinking and indicate that this bout of sobriety would be short-lived. Why keep the easy option of being able to reach out for a sip when the temptation get’s strong?

The cognac comparison is something I can relate to. My brother quit drinking but stored a cherished bottle of expensive cognac. When he got his degree at a late age, and nearly 15 years after his sobriety, he opened the bottle and poured us all a snifter. Himself included. Only – he proposed a toast and when we sipped, he poured his on the ground. For him it was a significant act – a statement that he could overcome temptation. Remained sober for the rest of his life.

I wonder about your WW reluctance to block him. Was it to keep the option open, or was it to show herself she could resist temptation? In some ways her actions to block him now make the issue moot though and it is a positive step.

I don’t buy the blackmail fear either...
This shows my age, but I don’t understand why people are sharing sexual content (as in photos) online. No matter how "honest" the person you are cheating with (that’s an oxymoron in itself...) there is always the risk of a leak, and once out you can’t get it back. What if OM were to threaten to share the pics? Would you have to reluctantly agree that she go give him oral to keep them private? Would it in any way make discovering a new d-day easier?
If she has a genuine fear of this content being exposed then there is maybe only one thing she can do. Most states and countries have put in place revenge-porn laws and/or have case examples of revenge-porn. She can send the OM a letter where she states that the content shared was always intended for private use, and any distribution (intentionally or not) would lead to legal action (possibly felony charges). She can state that she has deleted all content she has, and request he do the same.
Whether he does or not is completely up to him. Maybe he does delete it. If not, then her main hope is that her pics disappear in the vast sea of amateur porn flooding the internet.

Yes, it was indeed dumb of her to send those photos. The lying, betrayal, and infidelity are bad enough, but the recklessness is salt in the wound.

The plan is that should he threaten her, we will pursue legal action for harassment and attempted coercion, and if he should proceed, non-consensual distribution of images. However, preemptive action is sounding more and more like a good idea. Maybe a cease and desist letter is in order.

If it is true and she does genuinely fear that he would blackmail her, it’s nice to know that she thinks he’s scummy enough for that to be a possibility, at least.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 11:43 AM, Monday, December 15th]

It does seem to be good news that she finally blocked him. Telling someone you don't want to be contacted and then not blocking, in the modern age, seems to be sending a mixed signal. And if someone did want to actually blackmail you then they can obviously gain contact in another manner.

It is amazing that someone can have an affair, sext with photos and then end up worrying about being blackmailed by the person they chose to sleep with. I watched a video recently that said that dopamine is not the only brain chemical that gets activated and one of the others actually diminishes decision making capacity along with the dopamine lowering risk barriers.