SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This thread is for Betrayed Spouses to ask questions of Wayward Spouses. Betrayed Spouses are not to answer on this thread.

Anxious avoidant—-

Yikes. I will tell you what it sounds like, he sought you for the release of the "tension". And yes, I understand the disgust. My husband had unprotected sex during the day with her and at night with me

He hasn't been able to give me a clear answer there still, and it's either bc it's something along these lines or he genuinely didn't consider it. He kind of seemed dumbfounded when I brought it up. Assuming they are both being honest (i confronted AP), they only made out a handful of times and once hand over the clothes feeling up. Daily long, emotional hugs, and some "necking" along with hickeys once.

I'm still really emotional about the PA stuff because at the time DD1 it was only an EA. WP didn't in fact go NC after DD1 as requested and agreed, and then it turned PA. The only reason I KNOW it didn't go to a PA inclusive of sex, is due to APs religion - and oddly enough I do trust what the AP told me when I confronted her. She disclosed far more than I asked/wanted to know, presumably because she was learning at the same time as I that she had also been lied to.

EDIT: missed a word, needed clarity

[This message edited by AnxiousAvoidant at 6:58 PM, Wednesday, June 3rd]

Deeper answers can come slowly. Also I think most ws’s will try and avoid answering certain things because they are trying to protect themselves and get the outcome they want. It took a while for me to dig into and fully admit how awful I was in what I was doing. However, progress towards all those whys and hows must be strived for and looked at for the benefit of both partners. I would recommend he attend therapy, it’s hard to make all the dot connections and work on changing the things about ourselves that made this all possible. It’s hard to do that without help.

Do you think your BS has some qualities or traits that made you more comfortable in cheating on them?

If you had other relationships before them, do you notice a difference? Were you always prone to cheat on your partners or did that happen only with your Bs?

If yes, then did you think if there might be (and what) something in your BS that made you feel more secure about exploring infidelity when compared to other relationships with past partners?

BackFromTheStorm

Simply put, at the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered who my wife was or what traits she had, I always had shitty boundaries. While I never went actively looking for an affair, I did nothing to shut it down in its infancy.

One of the hardest points for a BS to come to terms with is the decision to cheat had nothing to do with them. There were a lot of "reasons" I created in my head that made it ok to cheat. Of course they all blamed my wife. Didn’t care about me, only loved me for the lifestyle I provided, wouldn’t care if I cheated, she was a cold fish etc.

While I suppose I could argue correctly that my wife was standoffish and a bit cold. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that it wasn’t because that’s who she was. It was her just reacting to my behavior. I turned my back on the marriage, not her.

Just to emphasize, there was nothing you did/didn’t do or had/didnt have, that caused your wife to cheat. That’s all on her.

Thanks ff415,

Let me expand on what I was curious about. Not responsibility’s of the Bs, the responsibility is always on the person making a choice if that choice is taken in isolation.

I am asking about the psychological facets:

Usually affairs, encounters and this kind of stuff is strongly driven and associated with chasing validation.

Usually validation is fulfilled when you achieve something, not for something you have already achieved (in the broken sense, secure people with no self worth issues have nourished validation for what they have, not what they miss, so asking from that perspective, common in WS ).

This seems to play out in the affair addiction, it’s "great" when is unstable, the moment it loses its spice (secrecy, deception, limitation of availability, uncertainty), the high fades.

I observed this pattern often when 2 affair partners get together officially, it won’t be long until one or both will seek out another affair to soothe the excitement and validation need.

The same I observes in cheaters who I know personally: when they are in a relationship with a safe partner they cheat. When they are with a partner that is keeping them on the edge, they become obsessed, terrified of,losing them, almost addicted (obviously they don’t cheat).

And somehow the same people also crave stability with a safe partner, but when they get it, they run away for infidelity.

I know this sounds like cognitive dissonance and I don’t think it is responsibility of the partner.
I wonder if you observed something along the lines in your same behaviors, needs, unfillment, and how the people you interact with play a role in this if it’s there (or was hopefully since most of you healed those issues)

What do WS and OP often do, think and plan, when they both divorce their BS.