SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Honestly I feel lost! I'm about 2 months in and been through hysterical bonding and now I'm just angry and feel like I look at him differently now! I've started counselling to try and heal myself but I just feel so pathetic and numb and lost, I've been drinking alot which has always been an issue and doesn't help so I feel even worse. I just want to be able to love and respect myself x

2 months is very fresh, it’s normal you are in the thick of chaos.

Maybe breaking it down can give you a bit of structure as you likely have a lot of emotions tied to various bits all spinning around.

So what is I. This moment the thing that hits the hardest? Suspicious about how you look at him compared to his image before the affair?

What emotions are surfacing on you besides the anger?

Is it a constant or you do have other messing around and alternating?

Can you tie one or 2 situations where those emotions manifest the strongest or when they are flipped and change?

This is to see if you can start to give it some structure, so you can observe and call those emotions out from the mix, to make it less chaotic. It can help you to feel less lost and address them individually rather than as a tsunami.

At 2 months out I was still in a state of shock. What starts happening tho, is the shock begins to wear off a little bit and you start really seeing this for what it is. A deep betrayal. Your emotions start kicking in. You're likely going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while still.

Not to sound too preachy but now might be a good time to cut back or even quit drinking. I was a pretty chronic alcoholic for most of my life and quit about ten years ago or so. It's the best thing I've ever done. You acknowledge yourself you just end up feeling worse. It's tough enough dealing with this sober. I can imagine me spiraling even worse when drunk, and feeling absolutely awful hungover. The hangovers were a big reason I quit. I'd be sick for a couple of days sometimes. It just isn't worth it.

That said, what you're going through right now is normal. This is a rough ride and it's going to take time to heal. I'm 15 months out right now and still have some rough days. The general rule of thumb is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from betrayal trauma like this. Not that you're going to feel just like this that whole time. It does ease up, but it's a process. I'm so sorry you're going through it right now. I know how you feel. I really do. You're being heard.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:24 AM, Monday, July 20th]

I started going through a bottle of wine almost every night in the beginning. At 2 months you are still on the roller coaster of emotions and that is normal. It takes several months for things to eventually calm down to the point where you feel you can start making rational decisions, at least that's what it was for me

IC with the right therapist can be a huge help. Cutting back on the drinking will also help with your clarity.

Is your WS doing what he needs to? He needs to fix himself before you can even think about trying to fix the relationship

I know it's incredibly rough right now but please believe me when I say it does eventually gets better. It takes a long time to get past just learning about the betrayal. Give yourself some slack. Learning about infidelity throws your entire life into chaos. Your brain goes into shock and this is normal, incredibly difficult and painful, but normal

There are a lot of people on this forum who have been through this and they have come out the other side, they will offer you some great advice because they understand

Focus on doing whatever you need to make yourself feel better. Don't worry about the relationship, just take care of yourself

This is a marathon, so 2 months really is early days. The worst 4 letter word in all of this is TIME.

I was a sobbing mess at 2 months still, until the anger stage kicked in around 4-5 months. I also was drinking way too much — and that made things worse not better. Please try to find other outlets to help you cope. Get to a gym, take up boxing, super long walks, punch pillows, freeze water on plates then break the ice plates, get into a hobby that requires deep concentration, journal like you’re running out of time (Hamilton shout out :-) ), Zumba like it;s 1993, volunteer at the animal shelter, get a meditation app and check that out…. You get the idea.

Also focus on your diet. A healthier diet helps your emotional, physical and psychological health. Those Oreos (or whatever your comfort food of choice might be) are only temporarily helping.

If you are struggling with anxiety and lack of sleep, see your doctor. Many of us needed to go on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a while to help us get through. Not forever, and no shame in that game.

Are you in IC? Having a safe space to really let out your feelings and concerns and fears and wants and anger can be really helpful. Look for one who specializes in trauma because this TRULY IS A TRAUMA. Who can you talk to IRL?

It feels insurmountable, but you can and will get through this. Just one day (sometimes one hour) at a time. Breathe. Move your body. Journal. Cry.

Sending support-