SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 2 weeks ago my husband of 8 years had sex with another woman 4 times in hotel rooms. Unprotected. I guess you could say it was a coworker but it’s not someone he actually works with. Long story. Doesn’t matter. She’s no longer in the picture. It was just sex. She’s married with children also. He’s saying and doing all the right things. I believe this can work but I don’t know. It seems so unfair. This wasn’t a tragedy to work through. This didn’t happen to us. He did this to me - and I’m left with these heart breaking soul crushing feelings. I have a 3 year old and 7 year old. I’m in the thick of parenting. He works LONG hours. I feel so alone. I feel so broken. I feel so hurt. Today is the hardest day thus far since I found out. Sorry for TMI but upcoming menstrual cycle is definitely playing a part in my emotions today. I feel so resentful and hurt. I’m having difficulty not constantly thinking about it. I am so shocked. I did not see this coming and I never thought he would do this. I feel like my life is forever changed for the worse by the person I love and trusted so much. I am gutted.

Just want you to know you have been heard. Welcome to the group you never wanted to be a part of. Others will be along but I just wanted to acknowledge that you have been heard, and you matter. You will receive great support here. Right now take care of you. Get tested for STD’s. Do your best to eat healthy and get exercise. You have suffered a real trauma and will need to heal. Usual understanding is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from this trauma. But you will get through this. Many, many people here have been through similar pain due to infidelity. Always value yourself. Take no blame for your WH’s cheating. He cheated because he is broken. Checkout the Healing library and pinned posts. Lots of helpful information on this site. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so very sorry. Please do not try to soften your heartbreak or reaction. Your life has just been blown up. This is going to be very difficult and long process. Please go to YouTube and search "Jake Porter", watch his videos. Trust me, they will help you.

Don't go to see a normal therapist. You must find a Betryal Trauma Therapist, they are really trained to help you go through the process properly.

Another thing that helped me, the book called "Betrayal Bind" by Michelle Mays. Your husband needs to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

I know what you are feeling. Many hear do. It is unexplainable unless you have gone through it. Hang in there. This trauma literally has affected your brain on a biological level It will take time to heal, but you will heal.

As far as restoration of marriage, much depends on your husband. He must truly pursue making amends. He has lots of work to do. Very important, HE CANNOT BE AVOIDANT. He needs to talk to you whenever you want, as much as you want, and he must be 100% honest.

How did you find out?

Know you are enough. You are precious. It was NOT you. He did a great evil to you.

He let you down, hurting your feelings and breaking your trust. This is not on you! Remember, you are still wonderful just as you are. He's the one who needs to prove himself and earn back your trust and love. Take care of yourself and do something that makes you happy.

He got caught. He wasn’t getting the pictures I was adding to the shared album of the kids. Asked me to help. I was holding his phone right next to him when a text message came through saying sweet dreams sleep well. Didn’t sit right with me. He said it ended in July and proved that it did.

I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, you didn’t deserve this.

Feeling alone, broken and hurt are all normal feelings after discovering you have been betrayed and I can totally relate to feelings ramping up during the run up to your menstrual cycle.

Your main priority right now is yourself, you need to take care of yourself, you mentioned your H works long hours, could he perhaps take some time off to help you with the children?.

Keep posting and take care of yourself, one foot in front of the other, as long as you are taken care of then you’re able to take care of your little ones.

Trust is the bedrock of your M. Once shattered how can you trust him again when he is working long hours and in hotel rooms? From what you describe he saw an opportunity for sex without getting caught and took it. Then he did it three more times. Totally selfish and a betrayal of his wedding vows. Watch his actions and not his words. Does he answer your questions forthrightly and without defensiveness? Is he attending IC or therapy to discover how he could be so broken as to become a cheater? Is he transparent and open with all of his devices? Have him prepare a timeline of his A and answer all of your questions. Highly recommend telling his AP’s betrayed husband. Not for revenge. He has a right to know the truth of his M. His WW may be exposing him to STDs having unprotected sex in hotels.

You will be on an emotional roller coaster feeling better than totally down. It’s normal. Keep posting. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:15 PM, Saturday, September 13th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some that have bull's eye icons that are really good reads. I bumped them recently, so you shouldn't have to scroll far to find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another great resource.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs, as should he. If you have trouble sleeping or with anxiety/depression, ask your doctor for some meds.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. You have suffered trauma, and some of what you describe is due to the trauma.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

If it ended in July, why still the texts? He needs to go NC (no contact) with her immediately and tell her husband.

I am so sorry you are here. You have gotten great advice. Focus on you and your kids. Keep reading, keep posting.

I'm so sorry, RLF, words are never enough. Like another of our posters I would also question if it's really over because if he ended it in July, why IS he still getting texts from her? I hate to say this but once you find out they cheat, you also find out they lie. And they lie, and they lie. The best thing would always be for them to come out with everything especially once it's known, but they usually keep lying. So don't assume he's telling you the truth now. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it's what you have to hear, so I'm gonna say it. Please find a divorce lawyer as soon as you can. Find a good lawyer, maybe interview a a few in the area, and pick the one you feel most comfortable with who seems to have the best record for your case. I don't say this just to make you get divorced, you don't have to, especially with small kids. I DO understand staying for the kids, as hard as I think that is. I want you to feel empowered at this point, and not just as a victim of his shitty behavior and deception. That means knowing there IS something you can do about this to protect yourself and your kids and that's knowing about divorce and being willing to do it. You DO NOT have to put up with his shit. You don't, and you need to know that and you need to know the mechanics of it and what it would mean for you, optimally. It will make you feel empowered - he needs to learn that he has to fight for you, that you are the prize, that he is at a point of losing you, NOT THE REVERSE! And he has to do whatever he can to win you back. Sit down and game plan this out - you need a lawyer, you need to figure out where you and the kids will live, what money you will have. I know it sounds overwhelming but it's better than just being a victim and having to "take it". Also, don't rush into recon. What that's saying really is that his behavior really didn't matter that much and it does. People often rush into recon because they're frightened and they want to regain normalcy, but that's not gonna happen, that's just a facade. This doesn't go away and if it does, it fades over a long period of time. You don't start trusting them again. Once you know your spouse is capable of this....they're capable of this. You're always aware of it.

So, take good care of yourself, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S ALL ON HIM!!! That is the truth. I don't care what his reasons or explanations or excuses - it's on him, it was his choice, you caught him, and I bet it's not really over. Personally I would get an STI exam (yes, I know it's embarrassing, but you need to know - personally I wouldn't be having sex with him anytime soon) and tell the AP's husband - that's a good way of stopping it and he should know her shenanigans anyway.

Don't take any shit off your husband. If he genuinely seems to have stopped this at some point and seems to really work towards being resourceful and making you the Queen...maybe you can then consider recon, but I would DEFINITELY LOOK AT DIVORCE FIRST. You need some power and you need some ANGER to fuel you. People will give you as much shit as you're willing to take.

She had to contact him for work and her sending that text message was a way for her to creep in back into his life. There’s evidence of him ending it and her creeping back in. His business partner is aware and from now on they need to keep the jobs they already have contracts with her but there is no future contracts and only the business partner deals with her from now on. I know cheaters lie but there’s evidence of all this. Also I told him if he wants me to even think about reconciling I want his name off of the house and in my name only. I don’t want to have to worry about that if there is to be a next time. He called the lawyer the same day to get the ball rolling. His actions are speaking louder than his words. He’s answering every question I have - some I regret even asking.

Here’s a very serious question? When will I stop thinking about this more than I don’t? It consumes me and almost all my thoughts. Please tell me this part gets better and it won’t be all I think about.

Yes, it will get better RLF, but please do not rush this. It will actually always be part of you now unfortunately, but don't let that discourage you. Your brain NEEDS to process it over and over and over. Let it. Ask questions, and ask them over and over if you need to. I did and still do. But the way I look at it, I am progressing towards a time where....sure it may not go away...but it will have no, or little, power over me.

It takes time. I am at about 18 months and still think about it. Sometimes more than others. But there are time when I don't also. Be patient, go through the process. Your body and your heart will let you know. 💯🙏

Sorry you are in this situation. Betrayal is so painful and hard to work through.

I too was betrayed by my 1st wife when our children were young. I too found out because she was busted (mutual friend caught her and the pos and told me).

Please read thoroughly in the healing library. I certainly wish I had a resource like this back in the day.

Beyond that, you may want to take a look at the list of mistakes I made early on as well as the excellent responses of other posters. You can find it here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

Keep posting here.

You need to get tested. I guarantee he did not use protection. This kind of cheating is so high school. It’s magical thinking. Fun! Fun! Fun! Secrets galore. Sneaking around. Trust me on this. I had a friend, both of us in college. She was scared because she and her bf only had sex one time. Sure enough…no protection and that baby was put up for adoption.

When will these thoughts about the affair stop consuming you? Unfortunately that’s a hard one to answer as everyone is different.

But the impact of the thoughts will start to lessen someday.

Things that trigger you 3 months after Dday may not bother you at all 1 year or 3 years from Dday. It’s hard to know.

But what I can tell you is that it is up to the cheating spouse to prove to you that you can happily reconcile. Not just "stay together" but happily stay together. It will never be the same marriage but some aspects will return.

Second is that you have to actively work to heal yourself. Your spouse can I only do so much and the rest is on you.

It’s like a broken leg. If you don’t go to therapy and put in the effort, your leg will not heal 100%. Same with your healing Fromm the affair. If YOU don’t do some work, you will will remain stuck.

BTW your H didn’t cheat on you because you were not good enough. He cheated because HE wasn’t good enough.

I hope this helps you.

Sorry you are now part of this community. It will take a long time to heal. Your entire life has been upended. The one person you are supposed to be able to trust, the one person who you believed would always be by your side, has destroyed that trust.

On average it takes two plus years for a relationship to repair and that's if the WS does all the right things.

Getting the house is your name was a good idea. That gives you some comfort and stability

Get the std testing asap.

Tell the husband of your husband's AP. He has a right to know who he is married to

Find a good IC. Do not consider MC for several months. Demand your husband does the same. Once you feel like your feet are firmly planted again and you want to work on saving the marriage then consider MC. I demanded MC from the get go because I was scared, big mistake. The MC will encourage you to move forward, the affair is in the past, focus on your "brand new sparkly shiny" relationship.

You are in the right place for support

If she was still texting him when you caught him, I hate to say this but it wasn’t over.

One of the hardest things about posting advice on forums like this is that sometimes advice offered with the best of intentions can come off as hard or harsh. In a face-to-face environment that often necessary hard message can be better mitigated by tone or expression. Here we are left with the hard message...
Keep that in mind when reading the following:

Yes – if she’s still messaging then it does indicate that it wasn’t truly over.
Like if he told her unequivocally something like:
I have no wish or intention on carrying on our affair and will never again meet with you in any other purpose but purely business. Please keep all our interactions at a professional level and work related
Then she wouldn’t be sending him sweet dreams texts...

MAYBE he did tell her that they couldn’t meet like this. Maybe for him it was over. But was he clear to her about it?

We often compare infidelity to addiction. The comparison only goes so far, but imagine waking up with the worst hangover ever. You recall having danced on the tabletops at your local bar, hit on your best friends husband, puked over the bouncer, pissed on the sidewalk and arguing with the cop that took your car-keys... Guilt-ridden you decide there and then never to drink again.
So you stay home next weekend. Don’t have Chablis with your dinner. Don’t open the beers in your fridge. Maybe the weekend after that, and maybe the next. Then you decide to go to the company party because you feel obligated to do so... but you won’t drink. Then you are holding a glass of white – but only holding... not sipping... then sipping... but only one. Well... two... Before you know it you are downing shots and evaluating if the table is sturdy enough to boogey on.
Your husband might have had the best of intentions... but if he had truly locked the affair those texts wouldn’t be coming. Maybe they didn’t hook up since that last time, maybe he had no intention of doing so again. But he hadn’t killed the affair.

I don’t go for the "it’s only sex" excuse. If that were true then your husband would have to be such a Neanderthal that he’s controlled by his prime-urges. Sort of like a dog that smells a bitch in heat. We are a lot more complex than that. I have this theory that nearly all infidelity is caused by a need for validation. For many that validation is a sense of power, entitlement. He can, therefore he does.
Validation is fine. We all need validation. But most of us get it in a healthy way. Like praise at work, a healthy and happy family, lowering your handicap in golf, benching 10 more pounds, being asked if you lost weight...
I would suggest you make it a requirement of reconciliation that your husband get’s some professional help. His decision to have an affair was neither a "mistake" or something that some primal-urge made him have to do. It was a conscious decision, and he knew all along what he was doing.

The very best thing you can do for your chances of reconciling and for your marriage is to let the other woman’s husband know of the affair.
Most likely outcome from that is that her husband makes demands that can lead to her leaving her current job – therefore eliminating any need for interaction. It adds an extra pair of eyes on their activities. Worst-case outcome that I can imagine you fear is that they divorce, and then she’s free to be with your husband. Well... in 9/10 instances chances are your husband doesn’t want a future with her. Their relationship was based on false premises and if it was available to him full time he would be throwing her under the bus.

Like I started – it’s hard to say these things online without sounding hard or harsh.
My intention is to help you create the best possible situation to reconcile. That basis is built on starting from the truth. Once he can acknowledge that it wasn’t "just sex" but some insecurity calling on a need for unhealthy external validation, that the affair is totally HIS decision and therefore HIS blame, that it’s totally within HIS power to end it in an accountable and traceable way... That is when the ideal conditions to start reconciling are reached.