SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As usual Bigger is spot on. Waiting for your wife to make a decision is not in your best interest. You need to tell her what her choices are. She can end the affair now, cut all ties, switch jobs, start IC (do NOT start MC).

You should seek out his wife and tell her. She has a right to know. I waited five months before doing so and I highly regret it. I was using that as leverage against my wife's AP in hopes that would keep him away from my wife (foolish in hindsight). Once I told her I felt better about myself. As predicted my wife was very upset, said I should have talked to her about it first, said I didn't consider the possibility of his wife coming into my wife's work and making a scene.

"What if she did and I lost my job? My coworkers would have found out!!" to which I replied "Where was this concern while you were having your affair?" That ended that BS.

Tell his wife. Get tested for std's. Tell your wife she either does what I wrote above or the relationship is over.

This is zero chance I would let my wife go on a business trip with this guy. There's no reason for her to not let it turn physical. He is just waiting for her resolve to soften, a few drinks after work at the hotel bar, her being upset that you found out and venting to him, you can assume the rest

Her going away will be hell for you because you are going to wonder what she is doing every minute. Even if she checks in and tells you what she did all day do you think you will believe she is telling you everything? You will forever wonder if anything happened for the rest of your relationship

In the early stages of discovering an affair your brain is in shock. Emotions run rampant and can change from minute to minute. It took me several months before I felt like my feet were firmly back on the ground and I could make clear rational decisions. Like many others in the beginning I was scared, I was doing the Pick Me dance, I was comparing myself to the other guy. I saw 27 years of relationship vanish in 30 seconds

Thankfully I found this place and got some amazing advice from people who have been on both sides of an affair so I was able to get better perspective and with that advice I was able to make demands that were in my best interest knowing that my wife could say no and that would be the end of the relationship

You have found the best place to get advice and support

All of this advice makes sense of course. Truth of the matter is, I'm not ready to walk away at this point. I am not going to threaten something I'm not prepared to act on. I have looked extensively into divorce and different scenarios and what that looks like. It's an extremely tough pill to swallow. With our current situation, we do well with our combined incomes to live comfortably in our home and afford most of the things we want to do for our kids and our lives. My wife is the primary breadwinner. I make a decent living, but not nearly what she does. For us, divorce looks like a dramatic drop in living standards not only for us, but most importantly for our kids. We live in an expensive area. Either you need two people making good money to afford it or one person making A LOT of money on their own. All of our family is here. We grew up here, went to school here etc. It likely means having to move out of our home for them, away from their school, away from their friends. I am having trouble coming to terms with that. This is all a big sob story, I am sure it isn't anything that some of you all haven't stared at directly as well. For me, im still coming to terms with this situation and making a lot of mistakes along the way. Im certainly a people pleaser, peacemaker and non confrontational, so this situation was made to make me feel and look like a fool. Im guilty of the "pick me" behavior. Im also blaming myself for this happening. I am at least aware and trying to implement the 180. Im doing a lot of good things right now. Im kicking azz with my kids, taking care of myself physically, taking care of our home and lives, learning a ton about myself and working on my issues in IC. A younger version of me would have been completely destroyed by this and turned to food, booze or drugs to escape. I am not escaping. I am facing it every day. Which is probably why my anxiety is through the damn roof. That is also being addressed with my doctor and therapy. I appreciate everyone here and their words. One day at a time. Im learning every damn day.

It's ok to want to R and to not be ready to walk away yet. But you should make it clear you will not tolerate an ongoing A. You will have to start taking steps to become prepared to divorce. Yes, the economic and family factors matter. I totally appreciate this point of view and was in a similar situation. I think these practical matters are what make R make any sense at all. The emotional ability to go to marriage 2.0 alone is a necessary but not alone sufficient condition for R.

Your wife did this. You are acting out of self protection from her attack. Part of the draw of blaming yourself as the BS is the illusion of control. "If I had been more attentive" "If I had bought her flowers more often" "If I just made her feel seen"... Nope, you could have done everything right and she could have still cheated. Often these excuses are just that. Self-deceit fabrication to continue with the affair that fundamentally "just feels good and different from the marriage". That's all it takes. And you CANNOT make a marriage feel good and different from a marriage. It's not possible.

Good on you for taking care of yourself. It's not easy to maintain a healthy routine under this kind of stress.

SPAM

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:25 PM, Wednesday, September 17th]

Known,
look at your boys: they already know something is not right with you.
They already know what divorce look like from their classmates in school.
Kids don't actually need much.
But they need a Dad that's "there".

What you need now, is not D or R: you need (the already mentioned) get some headspace for you so you can start thinking straight and to get out of infidelity.

Let's say you stay for 9-10 more years, until your youngest goes to college.
Believe me, you eating this merde panini, will eat you inside like nothing else. There is no amount of money that can account for that paint, that trauma.

We know what you feel: trauma of betrayal is more than the loss of siblings. It is more than the loss of parents.

Drink some liquids.
Get some protein shakes if you can't eat.

Go in your yard, and think who you really are. And who you want to be.

This may sound harsh but if you are not prepared to establish hard boundaries and make demands of your wife there is little to no chance of reconciliation.

Right now it appears to me your wife has no reason to end the affair. You know about it and you're not making any demands that it ends or else so right now your wife has her cake and can eat it too

She can keep up the appearance of a happy family to family and friends and she gets the thrill of an affair.

If this continues the tension in your house will become palpable to the kids. You said she is the primary breadwinner so if you were to divorce there's a good chance she would be paying you child support. Yes, I understand you would have to leave your affluent area but your wife would have to move as well

The kids will adjust and the kids will be happier in the long run if you end a bad relationship

If your priority is to stay married so you have both incomes supporting one house then I guess you could accept the fact that your wife is going to have affairs. Ask her if she is okay with you having a side piece.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:16 PM, Wednesday, September 17th]

WB1340 (and others) are right here. We’ve all lived this. I get that you want to reconcile but looking the other way while your wife pretends to be a happy family and then goes on trips with her AP will not lead to reconciliation. If her affair has not become physical yet (which it likely has) it will become physical very soon on one of those trips because right now she knows you won’t leave so she can keep playing happy family at home while she gets more comfortable in her relationship with him. Eventually she will get to the point where she is ready to leave you for him. You’re allowing the affair fog to get thicker.
As I said earlier (and most on this board will likely agree) until you stop treating her as your wife, see a lawyer and make sure she knows you are prepared to leave her she will continue to string you along and have him in her life. Until she knows you are ready to leave and you start to move on and treat her like a stranger the affair will continue and her emotional (and physical) attachment to him will get deeper. I know it’s hard to do it. Reconciliation may not even be possible, she may choose him anyway, but to have any chance of reconciliation you need to do what everyone here is advising you, show her you are ready to file for divorce and move on if she does not end the affair and recommit to working through things with you. Those of us who have reconciled have been through this and until we began to detach, provide no support and start to move on our wayward wives stayed wayward.

Excellent advice so far.

Just want to reinforce that she will mire you in limbo and drag your marriage further into infidelity as long as she can get away with it. She will drag her feet, asking for "time to figure things out", perhaps even a separation. She’ll agree to counseling as long as she can maintain contact in some way. She’ll agree to reduce contact without completely going NO contact. She’s going to try everything in her power to minimally appease you while maintaining, in some form, her relationship with him.

Minimize the time you spend in limbo by following the advice given. Put yourself on a kinetic path forward and out of infidelity by employing and maintaining clear expectations, boundaries, consequences and incremental action points.

I appreciate everybody and all the advice. I see that I have been avoiding the uncomfortable and hard move here. I know what I need to do for myself and my kids.

Good luck. One last thing, cancel couples therapy for now. Until she ends the affair it will be a waste of time and money. For the couples therapy to work she has to be committed to trying to make it work and that can’t happen while she is still in the affair and communicating with him.