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Morbs, big hugs.
I feel your heart was in the right place and that you really wanted to do what was right for the couple.

It’s hard. I feel you. Even with all the empathy in the world for the BS and holding oneself fully accountable, these situations still hurt.

I am in IC, and everytime I try to raise MC, I am met with wrath from the gods. This is just to say, I really feel you.

You mentioned that you will be going away in a few weeks. And that was how the A unfolded. This probably means that your BS is in full trigger mode and he will be for the upcoming weeks.

I know it doesn’t help the situation, but if you focus on the fact that this is his reaction to betrayal and pain actively being fuelled by this trigger… it may help you detach and push through this period.

Like this is not the "normal" dynamic, just an incredibly stressful period because of the upcoming triggering situation. He may feel full on edge.

In these situations, I feel like a pressure cook less than a second away to explosion (breaking point). What helps me is focusing on my desired long term outcome (e.g. reconciliation, raising our children together, etc. - if they apply, they may not!) and live the present with that in mind.

You are human and you need empathy too. Keep posting

Breathe, Morbs. Breathe...

Patience is a virtue.

Without getting into the specifics about your current situation, I get the sense that you're running a little low on patience. And I get it. I understand. I feel ya.

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

IIRC, you two are just about a year out from d-day. While that first year is hard, for most of us, year two is even harder.

For me, as that first antiversary came and went, I hit yet another anger stage, then a POLF, more detaching, resentment, doubt and fear. I still had a shit ton of my own issues to work through.

I'd imagine that your hubby is experiencing some of the same. Yes, that's a bit of projecting on my part, but all in all, I think it's fairly common.

Combine that with the two week trip and I'd guess he's feeling overwhelmed.

I know you want to get through this as quickly as possible. It seems to me that every BS and WS wants the same. Unfortunately, surviving infidelity and finding our way forward takes time. Lots of time.

Morbs,

​Take a deeeeeeeep breath. Let's do one more. Deeeeeeeep breath in, slooooooow exhale.

​Everything is ok. Seriously. I hope you got some sleep last night.

​Try not to let these powerful emotions take over. This is part of that janky ass roller coaster. R-ing is so fucking hard.

​There were times I came here with similar despair. And I always received the "well, how do you think your BH feels." In my post about the work, I wasn't kidding about being on two battle fronts. We have our own fight, our own feelings, our own desperations, our own fears. It is traumatizing to us as well. The difference is that it's self-inflicted, and we are witnessing the carnage.

​I'm sorry it's rough and the coaster is giving you whiplash.

But let me just introduce your real power in this moment. ​This is the live action practice I talk about, the kind that starts to rewire your brain and allow for a new knee-jerk reaction.

​Your brain is loud right now. It’s telling you stories about punishment, rejection, convenient timing, agendas, litigation, all of it. But none of those stories are actually helping you. They’re just feeding the spiral.

​Here’s the part where you get to step into your actual strength. Not the frantic, panicked version of strength that tries to fix everything at once, but the grounded version that knows how to pause, breathe, and choose your next move instead of reacting from fear.

​One of the things that I wasn't prepared for was the emotional labor I had to carry for the both of us. It's not forever but, Morbs, you aren't even a year into this. I know it's close and I know it feels like a lifetime has passed. And if I may so gently remind you, you also haven't always been a safe and soft landing place for him. And the ways that you haven't been weren’t always small things. Safety is a priority.

​And there is something massive to be said about the timeline coming up right now. Your anti-anniversary is staring you two down, PLUS your upcoming work trip. Morbs, that trip is ground zero. It’s the epicenter of where this happened. To your BH's brain, that calendar isn’t just a list of dates, it’s a countdown to a threat. His body and mind remember exactly what happened during that time and at that place, and it is flashing pure panic. The fear and anger are violently resurfacing right now because he is anticipating the pain all over again, frantically trying to protect himself from an ambush before you even step out the door.

​He wanted to be scared and angry.

No, he is, Morbs.

Trauma brain is hard to see from our standpoint. Your BH isn’t reacting to just this moment. The fear is real for him, even if the way he’s expressing it is messy, unfair, or emotionally clumsy. You’re trying to bring something to MC as a team, and he’s interpreting it as a case file. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it means he’s scared and doesn’t know how to regulate that fear. That's where the emotional labor falls on you to be compassionate for this fear, understanding of it, and stand in the fire so he doesn't have to go back in.

​I know you need things from him. You want to feel safe so you can bring up concerns without being punished, litigated, or shut down. I remember coming here for advice on how to get that as well.
​I found in my situation that whatever my BH's core issues were before my A, my betrayal only exacerbated them.

​If they had specific defense mechanisms or control habits before, trauma turns those traits into absolute fortresses. Post A, that baseline mutates into hyper-vigilance. In your case, he is treating counseling like a courtroom because building an ironclad case is the only way he knows how to protect himself from being blindsided again. He punishes and shuts down because, to a trauma-driven brain, vulnerability looks like an ambush.

​I want to gently remind you of your timeline again. You've read enough around here to know that your BH has cycled through the grief process numerous times by now. Sometimes they can go back and forth between shock and anger before settling back into denial, only to be thrust back into bargaining and back to anger. It's a wild ride. Yours seems to be doing it silently (as did mine), and that is a hellscape I don't ever want to relive. I feel you here. All I wanted was for him to be an active participant in the repair process.

​But I also had to realize that I couldn't expect him to fix his oldest defense mechanisms while he was actively drowning in trauma. I had to be the steady one first, providing the safety net he needed before he could even think about dropping his guard to give me what I needed, what this new M needed. It's exhausting, it's unfair, and it takes time.

​Keep breathing. You can handle this stretch of the track. All you can do is continue to show you are safe. Can you talk to your IC for now? When is your next appointment? Maybe bump it up to Monday if you can.

Can someone tell me what acronym POLF means? Oddly enough I have not seen this yet...???

ForeverLabeled...you are a gem to this community. Very deep thinker, insightful, and good communicator. I started looking at another post you have recently made and am ruminating on it, while also learning your story from your profile. Stories like yours that are communicated with depth...are so very helpful to people. More to come in another post.

Morbs, you are growing. Just staying in the game and doing something....even if not always right...is causing growth. As I said before, I see signs your heart is in right place. Keep communicating. And be open. You have yet to realize what you can be...and what your marriage can be. Be open. Be soft hearted.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:32 PM, Sunday, July 19th]

WoodThrush2, POLF is the "plain of leathal flatness." There's a very good explanation in The Healing Library.

Thank You Unhinged!
Appreciate it, will look that over.👍

Thank you guys for talking me down in my heightened emotional state. Idk what I would do without y’all.

I think I was less upset by his emotions than by the fact he said he wanted to hold onto them for self-protection because he thinks(thought?) I’m up to something malicious. (About a month ago, when I was having a particularly moody, unmedicated day, he asked me if I was just holding onto my negative feelings because I wanted to have them, the way he sometimes does, which I was confused to hear about. Personally, I hate having negative feelings and I will do literally anything I can think of to escape them ASAP, and that was pretty baffling to me… So last night when I tried to check in on how he was doing and the response wasn’t much different than it had been the day before, I asked him if he was trying to process his feelings or if he was still intentionally holding onto them. At first his answer was "I don’t know," and then he added, "I don’t think I should be trying to let go of these feelings. I think they’re protective." So that’s where I’m coming from when I say he wanted to remain scared and angry. That part isn’t something I’m making up.) There is/was also the sting of so many BS (my BH included) who will say "Why didn’t you just communicate the marital issues if you were unhappy pre-infidelity?" And it’s like a) I did, back then, and b) I’m trying to do that again now, and it’s shocking and hurtful to have gotten this whole blowout as a result of simply asking for MC…

But I woke up this morning (after being up til 3am) and saw that he had re-booked the appointment. I don’t know if or how much of this specific thread he’s read or not. We were just being quiet "at" one another as I got ready to take our daughter to a birthday party. I finished a load of his laundry that I’d started last night, cried a lot, and listened to Christian music, which helped me feel better…There was a strange moment where I went downstairs and started getting changed in the recreation room, where he could see me from the laundry room— and it’s normally the most natural thing in the world for us to be naked in front of one another, so I wasn’t even thinking about it— when I caught him looking at my chest, and I remembered I had previously decided I didn’t want him to see me naked anymore, so I clutched my dress to my body and scurried out of the room. Then when I came back in, I asked him to come with me to the playdate so we could do some of our normal Sunday routine afterwards. He seemed surprised that I wanted his company, but he got in the car with us.

About halfway through the ride I saw he was trying to suppress laughter, and when I asked him "What?" He released it and said, "Sorry, it’s not really funny, but I keep remembering your face when you caught me looking at you earlier… I know I’m not supposed to find your anger cute, but that’s was the cutest angry thing ever." And I was trying so hard not to crack a smile, but he kept chuckling to himself and it just dispelled all the tension (there’s that magical thing he does to make things seem okay even if nothing is resolved again. Which was discomforting in the moment as I recognized it…) After dropping the child off at the playdate, we sat close by one another at church, and I started rubbing his neck when he looked like he was having big feelings again, along with hugs and hand holding. During the service (which was about fasting and kind of hard to pay attention to) he started touching my leg, and then my deprived horny lizard brain went 😮🥵🫠 and it was REALLY hard to focus… I suck at holding grudges.

So idk, I guess things feel almost normal again? I’m relieved but also confused by it. The MC appointment is tomorrow afternoon…. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve never felt this crazy in my life.

It is good to hear you two found a connection in the midst of this disruption. There will be many of those. Keep up the momentum of moving towards each other.❤️

One question however, why have you determined to not let him see you naked? Shame?

That would have been triggering for me on and extended basis. I do remember my wife starting to feel shame and hide herself in a similar fashion. I explained to her the trigger.

I could be wrong, looking through the lense of my experience, but is it possible your husband would be more comforted towards healing if you intentionally gave yourself visually to him?

Something like this.....and I am only speaking from your vantagepoint theoretically.... fictitiously.....

"Honey, I know I wrongly allowed AP to see parts of me that I should have reserved only for you. I did so wrong. I repudiate my disgusting actions. My body is wholly yours to enjoy and although I feel deep shame and want to hide...I moreso want to show you that I am yours....nothing of me is off limits to you. Everything is now off limits to others, and should have been all along"

Etc.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 9:27 PM, Sunday, July 19th]

I was trying to detach a little bit, earlier. Sex with H drags me right back in, physically and emotionally, and God knows I can't say no if he goes initiating...

Ironically, when the affair was going on, I felt undesirable because I was basically prancing around the house naked and couldn't seem to get his attention at all. It's part of why the validation from AP after sending him nudes was so appealing. But there were other things going on for H that I didn't realize then.

Resentment is a kind of slow death GotTheMorbs. It's a sustained emotional response to your perception that he has done wrong to you - indignation or bitterness that lasts beyond the actual injury (unlike anger, that flares and passes, when it is allowed to pass through you). It's a self-defeating way to maintain power in this relationship. Is this something you want to work on? Do you know how?

Pippin, I LOVE your explanation of those emotions. Excellent feedback. Did you deduce that....or learn it somewhere? I have always wanted to find a clear and concise resource the explains and defines different human emotions.

Regarding Morbs, I think you may be right as to what she is dealing with.

Great input....

Like I said, I really suck at carrying grudges. I dislike experiencing negative emotions, so if there's something that soothes them after a wrong is done to me, as long as the wrong stops occurring, I can pretty easily and quickly let it go... But when my H and I are having these issues, he'll soothe the emotions (anger, hurt, sadness, etc.) without addressing the underlying problem. Then later the same issue recurs, and then the original negative emotions turn into resentment.

It's not about power for me. I just want these issues to stop, and they hurt worse and worse every time they happen.

I really suck at carrying grudges

I can give you tips if you want...

Sex is one thing that has exploded over the top for us for the last 15 months. She prances around naked all the time now. It's just the 2 of us living here. If we don't have plans or aren't expecting company she strips as soon as she gets home from work and stays that way for the rest of the day. Her last day off we stayed home all day so she never got dressed from the time she woke up until we went to bed.

She'll call or text me when she's not home and say "I can't wait to come home and get naked for you..." I tell her "you know you don't have to run around naked to get my attention? I think you're a hottie either way." She insists she likes it.

Honestly it's so wonderfully weird, but I'll take it. It still gets me every time.

Oh god. One day we were expecting a package from Amazon. She's so used to being naked all the time that she forgot she wasn't dressed and opened the front door to check and see if it was there yet. My jaw dropped and I looked at her funny and she was like "what..?" Then she realized what she'd just done. Fortunately no one was outside at the time, but if they were they'd have gotten quite the show... lol.

What emotions are negative?

Anger tells us that something is going on that one doesn't like.
Fear tells us there may be a threat to our well-being.
Grief tells us we've lost something we valued.
Etc., etc., etc.

So what's negative in feelings?

Besides, we have our feelings. They don't have us.

We're human, and that means we almost certainly have feelings. The problem comes, if a problem arises at all, from what one decides what to do with the feelings.

Most true feelings (as opposed to, say, ruminations) are short-lived. One feels and thereby lets the feeling go - or one stuffs the feeling and keeps it stored somewhere in one's body. Stuffed feelings can fester and come out in crooked ways - for example, stuffed resentments - anger - can lead to betraying. Stuffed fear and/or grief can lead to disconnecting.

I can give you tips if you want...

What emotions are negative?

Anger tells us that something is going on that one doesn't like.

Fear tells us there may be a threat to our well-being.

Grief tells us we've lost something we valued.

Etc., etc., etc.

So what's negative in feelings?

I think it's just the heaviness/darkness vs the lightness/... well, lightness of the emotion, if that makes any sense? (synaesthesia, anyone?) I don't like to be sad, angry, scared, stressed, or grieving. I like to be happy because it's easy and light, and it's not flooding my body with cortisol and causing other physically unpleasant effects. I make better decisions when in a "good" mood (happy, relaxed, bubbly, goofy, etc... Well, minus manic episodes. But even those are fun, at least.) Therefore I have positive and negative associations with emotions.

I understand your point though-- to dismantle the associations and focus on utility. I just don't think it would make them feel different though... Would it?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:05 PM, Monday, July 20th]