SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:46 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

Bipolar disorder is a terrible disease. My daughter’s neighbor would get off her meds and catch a plane. Her family would not know where she was. Sometimes the mania was somewhat subdued but she would wander the neighbor visiting, only her conversations were often OFF.

You have to protect yourself emotionally. If it means no contact then you need to accept that. She sounds extremely mentally ill and a spouse should not even attempt to fix her, because you can’t. Does she have a dr that monitors her?

I have no suggestions except to get yourself some therapy and find a support group of spouses like you.

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:47 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

Hi, welcome to SI. Please don't share this site with your wife, this is your safe space.

I think Cooley is absolutely correct. Your wife has serious mental health issues.

I can relate bc we have a DIL who has serious issues, our family has been on an emotional roller coaster for about a year, it has been a living hell, the trauma is real, she was hospitalized twice, her behavior affected every member of our family, your children might need therapy to deal with a mother who has gone off the deep end.

I suggest you also find a good therapist to navigate her infidelity/lunacy. She has to want to help herself. Please don't enable her behavior, my best advice is to ignore her.

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:48 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

Sorry for the summer from hell.

Do your best to make STBXW your exW formally and as soon as possible. Being still married to you, she can still cause you significant economic harm. Retain a family attorney and file for divorce.

It is up to her to repair her relationships with her children. Only she can do it.

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:48 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

You need to see a lawyer and figure out what you need to do to protect yourself. If your wife is committing crimes (like getting a DUI), hanging out with criminals, and possibly engaging in criminal activities, then you don’t want to be destroyed by her actions.

You also need to put a lock on all your accounts and your social security number so she can’t open credit cards, take out loans in your name, or run up debts in your name by some other means.

Just as importantly, you need to get tested for STDs.

You write cluster B but she sounds A to me. Bipolar fits her behavior or it’s an extreme borderline personality disorder. I had a friend who had borderline and although she drove me crazy and her children left her she was never as out of control as your wife.
Please get her to a psychiatrist. This is way more than your family can handle.

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:49 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but this really isn't something you can fix on your own.

Be honest with your kids. Let them know the marriage is ending, but reassure them that you tried everything to get her help so she could remain an active part of your lives—she just isn't able to listen to reason right now.

Honestly, this feels like it might go deeper than BPD or bipolar disorder; it sounds like a severe psychotic break. At this point, the best thing you can do is leave her care to the professionals and focus all your energy on your own healing and protecting your children. Adult or not, they will need support.

Are you confident her admission is true? I’ve seen similar situations where people in the middle of psychosis make false admissions—especially given that she’s currently experiencing delusions about being monitored and stalked. Did she give any context for her confession, or did it come out of nowhere? Did her confessions make sense contextually to you? Did she provide any evidence?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:24 AM, Thursday, August 27th]

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:49 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

As far as the claims she has made, I have been able to substantiate approx 7 events of physical infidelity with many more emotional attachments, about half of what she claimed. I dont have much reason to doubt the rest.

Ok, agreed.

This means the cheating was occurring irrespective of what ever mental health crisis she is currently in the middle of. I'm not sure if this would have mattered to me but it's good to clarify either way.

Given this, I'm not sure it's of any benefit to you do anything other than to detach yourself from this situation. Begin the process of divorce. Continue with your therapy. I could go on in this vein but I'm acutely aware you will have been drilled with a plethora of self-help tactics at this point already.

I'm sorry to say your wife was a deeply broken person who had you conned into thinking she was a loving partner. Whilst its a point of debate, I stand firm that it's impossible to love and respect your partner and betray them... 7-14 times kind of hammers that point home. We've all been at this point, realizing you've been fooled into thinking someone was a good person when they were actually internally pound scum. It fucking sucks. I'm not generally the sentimental type but I've been fairly obsessed with this quote as of late, maybe it'll offer you something:

Tom Hardy played the infamous UK inmate Charles Bronson in the 2008 biopic Bronson. Before filming, Hardy held several meetings and phone calls with Bronson to study his personality and pick up his distinct character traits.

During one call, Bronson opened by asking Hardy how he was doing. Hardy decided to be completely honest, admitting he was struggling through a painful breakup. That honesty sparked a surprisingly profound exchange:

Bronson: You remember the floods"

Tom: Oxford?

Bronson: Yeah, remember the floods

Tom - "Yeah"

Bronson - "Remember the poor boy whose foot got stuck in the grates and the river kept rising and kept rising and kept rising and eventually they tried to get him out but he drowned?"

Tom - "Yeah"

Bronson - "That wouldn’t have happened to me! Do you wanna know why?

Tom - Yeah, sure

Bronson - Because I would have said, "Cut it off now". You see Tom, what I'm trying to say is sometimes you have to cut a little piece of yourself off, no matter how much it hurts, in order to grow. in order to move on.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:41 AM, Thursday, August 27th]

[This message edited by alsdaboss at 1:50 AM, Thursday, September 3rd]

And sorry, I still dont know how to use the quote function.

Highlight the text you want to quote and paste it into the message field. Highlight it again and hit the " button above or below the message field.

So sorry about your WW. I hope her rock bottom comes with as little collateral damage as possible and opens her to the help she needs.

Highlight the text you want to quote and paste it into the message field. Highlight it again and hit the " button above or below the message field.

Thanks, that's going to help a lot.

I think there is so much more to situations when mental illness or issues are involved.

I’m not excusing the cheating but it’s hard to give advice to a person who does not operate or mentally function well.

I’m certain you know the cheating has nothing to do with you. It’s just a bad choice made by someone who may not fully understand the implications of cheating.

I’m sorry for you & your children. You deserve better.

Maybe you need to step back and stop trying to help her. Especially if it’s physically and mentally exhausting you.

I beg she is not lost to our kids.

As hard as this is, that is between her and the kids.

Focus on you and your healing.
Focus on helping your kids with their healing.
Focus on loving your grandchild.

As for her, the crash will come. And sadly, all you can do is pray and know you did everything you could while you could do it. What happens here on out is 100% on her.

Move on protect Yourself and your kids and grand kids

Glad you got closure on just how enormous your WWs cheating was.

Expect the irrational trash she is living with to coach her to exploit you

A reality check:

While married you two have legal obligations and possible commitments together.
It might sound absurd or far-fetched, but reality is that if (God forbid) you were in a car-crash then she would probably have power-of-attorney to determine your ongoing treatment – and seeing her unbalanced state decide to pull you off life support.
Or she might be running up debt on a credit-card issued to you both as married, and in a couple of months the collections agency knocks at your door…
The family home? Chances are she might have a claim to half it’s value, possible she can come back tomorrow and you legally can’t deny her entry.
She might be entitled to your pension if you were to mysteriously die in some breaks-didn’t-work-driving-across-the-bridge accident. Or could cash out the life-insurance.

I could possibly hash out a dozen or so "might be" scenarios, and maybe none will apply. But eventually one will…

If she’s gone this far you seriously seriously seriously have to consider and intimate divorce.
At the VERY LEAST take steps and actions to distance yourself financially and formally from her.

Ps. Assuming she’s beyond the age of having kids, but as an indicator of assumed obligations of marriage, if she got pregnant the kid would automatically be assumed yours, until and unless you refute it in court. Not saying this because it's likely to happen or even applies here, but rather to emphasize that marriage is a contract with expectations and obligations.