SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I am feeling stuck (again).

We are 10 months out from DDay (5 months from 2nd DDay). Details in my story.

I feel I am doing all I can. IC, radical honesty, being supportive, avoiding triggers as much as I can. My time is fully committed to my BS and children, with the exception of work (I am reducing my hours at work as well, so I have to go to the office less) etc. I am doing the internal work. I am no perfect, but believe me every fibre of my body is focused on recovering and reconciling. I also try to do pleasant things for us as a couple.

My BS feels I am doing nothing. He says that me being loving and caring doesn’t address what I have done. He sees the same person. Even if I have taken full accountability, he feels it’s superficial. He doesn’t see any radical change. He says I was always nice. That I have shown I can be fully committed for long periods and then betray. He is open to reconciling, but he doesn’t see me doing what is needed.

I asked him what I could do more and the answer includes things like "addressing what you have done", "restore justice", etc.

My BS in a heated moment also told me I behave like I am not the "CEO of reconciliation" but an "employee waiting instructions".

I don’t understand what I am missing. I am willing. I want to do more, I am open to do whatever.

He asked me to get a journal where I write every day what I am doing to reconcile. And things like "being supportive / relieving him of house chores / being nice" don’t count.

And although I feel my mind is overloaded all the time and my time is fully dedicated to the family, if I think about the journal my mind gets blank - like I am really not doing much. Or what I am doing is not "tangible" or visible (e.g. I let go of all resentment..)

How did you move from this?

I know the timeframe is 2 to 5 years. I am not impatient, I am fine with more time as well. But my BS says things will not change by just waiting more. If I don’t address things now, nothing will change.

We do have the occasional nice day. The occasional confrontational days. But now the majority is these "grey days". Cold days.

Please note this post is to help me reflect on my own behaviour and what I can do more.

I know no one here can tell me what to do. But if you have any advice on how to move and grow from this, I d be so grateful. Or if you went through this dynamic.

I admit I am feeling low. It’s like everyday what I did hits me more, and the task keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do feel "paralysed" sometimes (adding this for context)

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 12:32 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

LonelyGuilty

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. The truth is, it is year one, and the pain is so overwhelming for your BS. His entire world was crushed, and right now, he is unable to trust anyone or anything. The person that was supposed to have his back... stabbed him in the back instead. Nothing feels real to him anymore, nothing feels safe... not you, not even himself.

Do this. Go to the market, and purchase the loveliest, fanciest cake they have in the bakery. Now bring that home, and place it on a carpeted floor. Next, go get the muddiest pair of boots you own, and then stomp that cake into the rug for about an hour.

Now, make the cake edible again.

As WS's, we often have this fantasy that somehow, we can save the cake we just stomped on. But the truth is, we can't. It doesn't matter what you do, what you say, how you act, or even why... the cake is gone. It can't be saved. And while I know this seems obvious, it often isn't. Our hope remains.

Nothing you do right now will be enough to "make it okay". To be honest, it is likely that even your spouse is unsure what it would take right now for him to feel as though whatever you are doing "is enough", because nothing puts the cake back together. Right now, he (rightfully) sees you as the most selfish person in the world. He saw you put yourself and your wants/needs ahead of him entirely, to his detriment, to his destruction. Twice actually, since you had a second D-day... you chose to hurt him AGAIN after seeing the devastation it wreaked the first time. That's his reality. So yeah, anything you do right now will seem like a manipulation at best, and a desire to alleviate your own guilt more than anything else. It's not that he doesn't believe you... It's that he can't believe you. He needs to protect himself from you, and putting up a wall protects him to some degree.

So is that it? Is it all over? Is there nothing you can ever do? Maybe.

Infidelity is often a deal-breaker. Full stop. Most people cannot and do not recover. I don't say that to scare you. I say it to put a real expectation in your head. You fucked up. Again, try fixing the cake.

If anything will make the difference, it is time, effort, self-awareness, and commitment. Equal parts of all. Since you cannot fix the cake, you need to create a new one. If there is to be a reconciliation, it cannot happen with the person who cheated on him. So you must be someone... better. You do this by figuring out your own shit. In other words, WHY did you cheat? And I don't just mean the superficial, "Because I wanted to. Because I was selfish. Because I was weak." That's obvious. I mean WHHHYYY. What in your life made you the kind of person that would disrespect YOURSELF enough to cheat? Why was that even a thought in your head? I'm sure if you went back and asked your 10-year old self if you'd ever grow up to be a cheating spouse, that inner child would say, "No way Jose!". So what happened? You destroyed yourself, your spouse, your relationship, maybe more. That's not due to boredom. That's not, "I was horny". That's some self-destructive behavior there, and it certainly didn't start recently.

Go get some therapy. Dig deep. Figure out what in your life got you to where you are today. And make positive changes in your life. BE the kind of person who you admire and respect. When you become someone worthy of loving themselves, someone of integrity and decency, then you'll have a shot (maybe) at building a new relationship. With your spouse, or someone else. For now... do the work. Fix yourself. Love yourself.

FWIW, I was shitty WS. I hurt my wife for years while trying "do the right things" because at the end of the day, it was still all about me. Once I was able to pull my head out of my ass and start to see myself for who I was... things finally began to change. We made a new cake together. The old cake is still mashed into the rug, no doubt, that never goes away. But the new cake is nice. We are ten years out and still working on a cake that we can both be happy with. It is rare, but it is possible, and you'll find a few stories similar to mine on SI. If you want that... do the work. And be prepared to fail, a lot.

Best of luck to you. Keep coming back for advice. Not everything here is what you'll want to hear. But everyone here is honest with you. So take it all in, and grab on to whatever works best for you.

I can relate to everything you wrote.

This stage is disorienting. It feels like your entire life is pointed toward repair and yet somehow you are still being told it is not enough. That is a painful place to stand.

I want to gently reframe one thing first. I'm sure you understand and probably only wrote it out to give context. But still seems worth mentioning. You are only 5 months out. That 2nd Dday reset the clock. It sent your BH right back to ground zero. 5 months is a drop in the bucket. You are not 10 months into healing. You are five months into the second shattering. That changes everything.That does not mean your effort since then is wasted. It means the timeline is still early.

He says I was always nice. That I have shown I can be fully committed for long periods and then betray.

This is exactly why he cannot feel the change yet. Niceness is not the metric. Commitment is not the metric. He is not looking for loving behavior. He is looking for evidence that the internal engine that allowed the betrayal has been dismantled. That takes time and repetition. That doesn't mean you aren't doing enough.

And when he said, "addressing what you have done" and "restore justice", he is naming the deeper layer. He is not asking for chores, affection, or support. He is asking for meaning making. He is asking for you to show him that you understand the harm in a way that changes you at the root.

Which makes sense with his journal request. What he wants to see are moments where you could have taken the easy way out and you chose differently. He probably wants to know that you understand. Things like, choosing honesty over comfort. A moment where you could have told a white lie to smooth things over but instead you told the truth. Naming an old pattern. Catching yourself slipping into defensiveness or minimization and writing it out so he can see the proof (that's probably the key word here, they all want proof). Connecting IC work to the harm. Writing about what you learned in therapy and how it directly relates to the choices you made. Explaining internal shifts. When you say, "I let go of all resentment", write out what resentment you let go of, how you recognized it, and what changed inside you.

These are the kinds of things that show internal movement. They show that you are not just behaving differently, but becoming different.

I admit I am feeling low. It’s like everyday what I did hits me more, and the task keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do feel ‘paralysed’ sometimes.

The gravity of it all is a heavy thing. Feeling paralysed is normal. This work is not linear. It is not fast. It is not clean. You do not move past it. You move through it with humility and grace. You move through it by letting the truth change you. You move through it by staying open even when you feel overwhelmed. This is the beginning. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are in the thick of it, and the thick of it is supposed to feel like this.

I see someone who is doing the work. Someone who is willing. Someone who is not hiding. Someone who is not minimizing. Someone who is showing up every day even when it hurts. That is what matters most right now.

Keep your chin up.

Forever labeled’s advice were my thoughts.

I remember how hard this stage was as well.

I am going to add one thing, and I apologize that I feel like I butcher this because it’s not my content. Long ago, when I was about as far out as you, there was an exchange here between a bh and two ws’s.

BravesirRobin translated what the bh was trying to say to the ws who was struggling to understand the very thing that you are articulating (because while it feels like you are alone, any ws who attempts reconciliation meets this stage at some point if they are trying).

She said she realized that her bh didn’t need her to help him from the floor. He needed her to get down in the floor and grieve with him. To see that she was as broken as he was over the state of things.

The bh chimed in, along with his wife who had previously not been in the conversation and together they articulated that for a long time she was trying to get an A in reconciliation. And the lightbulb went off in me that’s what I was doing too.

I stopped doing that and leaned into vulnerability. Not that you aren’t, but what your husband is saying about him needing you not to be the CEO of reconciliation reminded me of that pivotal exchange that helped me see where I was not focusing my energy in the ways that my husband could feel.

My being very wifely and taking things off his plate and planning pleasant experiences didn’t go completely unappreciated, but to him he felt like I was trying to normalize our relationship when he felt everything but normal.

Don’t guess, communicate. And keep digging into how the way you were carrying life resulted in your affair. And start working in those hows and whys and sharing that back. You may do this part, it simply wasn’t mentioned so I think that’s important.

You want this, and you are trying, those things are evident. But he wants you to go deeper.

I hope this helps. It helped me, but you are not getting the benefit of how it was stated and while I try, I am not as profound as my old friend in how she could boil it down to where it was digestible. Her wisdom is worth repeating but I can’t claim I did it justice.

Also I am editing this to add—-he too is in a stage that most bs would be at this stage. It may feel like it’s unmovable (because I remember feeling hopeless), keep putting one foot forward and making adjustments to your path and believe in the healing of the relationship when he can’t yet believe. It makes a difference.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:09 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

I had absolutely no idea what I wanted from my ex-wife during the first year or so after d-day. All I knew was that I was in a world of pain, shock and confusion. All I knew was the rollercoaster of emotions, anxiety, fear, and feeling completely unhinged.

Apologies by the thousands were appreciated but didn't fill the hole. Love-bombing was appreciated but didn't fill the hole. Letting go of years of marital issues was appreciated but still didn't fill the hole. Digging deep to own and fix her shit, explaining the work she was doing ad nauseum, didn't fill that hole.

When I fell apart and lay weeping on the floor, getting down with me in the depths of that pain and despair began to fill that hole, one drop at a time.

I remember the thread to which hikingout refers, because I had been there and done that. It may very well be the greatest gift you can give to your BH right now.

Being there... is priceless.

No words were necessary in those moments. Sometimes I wanted to be truly embraced, held as tightly as possible. Other times I didn't even want even the slightest touch. And yet she was still there, weeping right along beside me.

It is extremely difficult to explain how deeply and powerfully her betrayal hit me. It took years... to fully understand it, heal from it, and find my own sense of inner peace.

I cannot stress this enough and I'm not trying to scare or discourage you. In almost every story I've read about here, I truly hope that reconciliation is possible for couples, while being aware that the odds are very low.

Letting go of the outcome is critical.

Infidelity profoundly and permanently alters the nature of a relationship. It is always a deal-breaker. Trying to repair our marriage was a waste of time and energy, for that marriage ended the moment my ex-wife took a stroll down Infidelity Lane. I tried to explain this to her over and over again. She resisted, claiming that it was never her intention.

I think this is what most wayward spouses fail to understand or accept. This may be what you feel you are missing. You're trying to mend something that cannot be mended, as DaddyDom wrote with his cake analogy.

The only way forward is building a new relationship and for most betrayed spouses, especially so early on, how to do that is a total mystery.

As hikingout recently wrote: "No one has ever reconciled with the person who cheated on them. They reconcile with someone who has grown."

BS here. LTA survivor w/multiple Ddays, same LTAP.

I can tell you at 10 months the shock and awe phase is coming to an end and the POLF [Plane of Lethal Flatness] is about to begin. This is a hellish time for all. The mental tug of war between "I want this not to have happened" vs "this did happen so now I've got to f***-ing deal with it" is brutal. Also the BS internal battle between "you broke me - you fix me" and "I have to heal myself from an injury that someone I love caused me on purpose". It a mind f**k on a good day.

How did you move from this?

One baby step at a time. You both need to be in IC and go regularly. And be brutally honest w/yourself and your IC.

I asked him what I could do more and the answer includes things like "addressing what you have done", "restore justice", etc.

Addressing what you have done - this is fair. Have you taken complete ownership or are you still making excuses/blameshifting/etc.?
Restore justice - what a BS craves so badly but what can't be done. For a long time when my WH asked what I wanted I told him "I want you to present to me LTAP head on a silver platter" Anything short of that - don't even bother. Truth be told - while it isn't an active thought these days, it is a great occasional dark fantasy.

Truthfully - those gray cold days of around this time are in many ways worse than the red hot days of the previous time. It is in these gray cold days you learn and grow. Hard Truth - don't avoid them - walk right in and wait. Wait for the cold hard reality of what you did to sink in. Wait for the realization that you can't "fix" things like you want. Wait for the realization that there is no rewind button, no grand gesture you can do to "make up" for what you did, no punishment that fits the crime. Wait for the part of yourself that "allowed" you to do this comes to surface then do the internal battle of seeing that part for what it is and fighting to banish that part of yourself. Wait to see if after all that you have the inner strength and desire to move forward and try to forge a new relationship from the ashes of the destruction caused by the affair. Wait until you see the destruction of what you did to your cake (using DaddyDom's example) and know you did it twice on purpose and think of how you'd feel if the cake was on the other plate - how would you feel - how would you feel if you were presented with that dirty pile of crumbs presented to you - especially the 2nd time as you were trying to figure out if you should even try to make something new out of those crumbs?

You also have to realize you can't (metaphorically) shoot someone full of holes then tell them how to bleed.

You have to let go of the outcome. HARD to do, but you have to do it. You have to figure out your whys.
Then drill down those - and NOT accept lame a** excuses you will be tempted to make. You have to try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute and realize how hard this is. Then sit there with that and wait until you figure out the answers.

And...while I'll admit I'm not super familiar w/your story, if you have to mourn the loss of your AP - do it in private. That may not be sympathetic - but it not intended to be a 2x4 either. It goes without saying NC is a must - even if you have to change jobs, careers, geographical locations, etc.

10 months out - and a new DDay. Tread lightly. Do the hard work. Not just the work you think is hard.

It is because of emptiness. There is a void to be filled so you can have both a ground to stand close.

The thing I noticed is that you need to feel the fine line to be walking between the abyss separating you and the embrace with presence.

That can be difficult because you have intention to help him and fill the gap to get back into connection.

Paradoxically that feels often like acting, performing, even if your intentions are honest.
And so it is perceived as not enough, like you are trying to please instead of being remorseful and regretful.

I am not sure if you can understand that feeling, because it is likely hard for BSes to realize it as well.

You want to see the person who hurt you on your side of the pain, like they were always there, not on the other side trying to reach, that feels dishonest because they are still "from the other side".

Figuratively is like you should "disappear" from the cheater side and "teleport" to the victim side. Like you both are then watching to the dark side of the abyss understanding it’s horrors and holding each other.

As I said it is illogical and probably extremely difficult to understand. The cheater person trying to mend the wound must fade and their "good side" should appear on your side. Not an apology, a complete and visceral rejection of everything that has allowed the abuse to manifest.

Not as "I am sorry I did it" but as "this in the unthinkable, this is not who I am now"..

No one has ever reconciled with the person who cheated on them. They reconcile with someone who has grown

It is true. The difficult part is to understand the emotional state above.
The need is to see that version disappear completely because any glimpses of them or the past are hard to endure.