SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked him if he was trying to process his feelings or if he was still intentionally holding onto them. At first his answer was "I don’t know," and then he added, "I don’t think I should be trying to let go of these feelings. I think they’re protective." So that’s where I’m coming from when I say he wanted to remain scared and angry.

I didn’t want to remain scared and angry. Living with those emotions sucked. However, I couldn't just turn them off. Processing my anger took me a long, long time. Years, Morbs. Years. And there were sooo many reasons why it took that long. I experienced some truly scary ass rage. Purging that rage, learning to dial it back, realizing how incredibly fucked-up it was to vent that rage at strangers, all took time and some deep, deep introspection (and therapy).

Fear fueled that anger. Triggers fueled it. Mind movies fueled it. Hypervigalence and hypersensitivity fueled it. Knowing how long it would take to heal fueled that anger. Nightmares, exhaustion, lingering doubts and uncertainty fueled it.

Sometimes I did want to hold onto that anger because it helped keep my guard up, to not let my wife get too close, to keep challenging her to own and fix her shit.

Being angry fueled that anger because I was so fucking tired of feeling angry all the time.

Sigh...

Dialing back that anger occurred in stages, a little bit here and there. It involved resolving issues within me one issue at a time.

Patience, Morbs. Your BH might be able to process that anger faster than me, or most BHs, or it may take longer.

There is/was also the sting of so many BS (my BH included) who will say "Why didn’t you just communicate the marital issues if you were unhappy pre-infidelity?" And it’s like a) I did, back then, and b) I’m trying to do that again now, and it’s shocking and hurtful to have gotten this whole blowout as a result of simply asking for MC…

BTDT!!! My ex-wife tried to share her feelings and thoughts and fears and all that jazz for years. Sometimes I'd try to "fix" those pre-A marital issues because that's what we men do. We're hardwired to fix things instead of simply listening and acknowledging. I tried to share my own pre-A issues, too, and no matter how I did it, my approach was always wrong, I made her feel bad, was being this, that or the other.

We had a dysfunctional marriage. And I'll be honest with you here. My ex-wife was a better spouse than I was, until she wasn't.

After d-day, every single pre-A marital issue we had became insignificant compared to the betrayal of infidelity.

Like you, my ex-wife wanted to resolve some of those pre-A marital issues. She hit a wall with those efforts. I had absolutely no interest at all. All that mattered to me was that "I will not be married to a cheater."

So... I would highly recommend that you let go of old shit and focus on the present. Slowly. Patiently. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Maybe it would be helpful to view resolving non-affair related issues as a work-in-progress, rather than something to be immediately resolved. You know changing takes time. Recognizing and adjusting our tendencies takes time and consistent effort, mindfulness, and... yep, you guessed it... patience.

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

"I expect if H disagrees, he would speak up. Or at least he ought to. "

You might want to run this one past the committee.

I don't expect the general infidelity-related anger to dissipate quickly, but I think that is separate (definitely related, born of, but distinct from) anger from what he was feeling and holding onto when I wouldn't tell him what I wanted to go to MC for. It was a specific trigger, and it was not reality-based this time... And that's how you work through triggers, isn't it? Grab onto indicators of reality that are contrary to what the fear and the anger are telling you to believe about the situation at hand, indicators that you're not actually in danger or being treated poorly... Which is what I was trying to give him. I wasn't planning an ambush or preparing a case. I wasn't springing anything new on him. This wasn't an attack or a power play. But he didn't hear those things because he was intentionally holding onto the feelings. He said so himself... I mean, it's in the past now, so it doesn't really matter. I just wanted to clarify and express my bewilderment at their willful retention in this particular situation, because I just cannot do that myself.

He expressed tonight that he thinks there's a lot of anger under the surface. I am waiting for it to come out; I would prefer it to be released than held captive inside where it can multiply, mutate, and fester. I said maybe the MC can help us work through that, if he wants, but also he's welcome to talk to me about it any time.

I would highly recommend that you let go of old shit and focus on the present.

They are one and the same, and rather urgent. Otherwise I would wait a while longer before seeking to work on the other marital issues. But I do expect it to take time. And I hope we learn some better communication skills, and that the MC can help me identify where I might be contributing to the issues, so I can fix that... I think we can do it.

You might want to run this one past the committee.

Everything is ran past the committee before the mini-me communicates it through our external body, and it is actively, constantly analyzed for accuracy and revised even as it's being typed or spoken.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:00 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]

While we are on the subject, I have noticed that your character has changed remarkably for the better. You seem to have a genuine care for people these days. But long ago, you didn't display these traits, to put it mildly. SOOOOO, when you threatened to shut down this forum, was that due to an undue influence of a particular committee member, one that has been ostracized from the rest?

Which is what I was trying to give him. I wasn't planning an ambush or preparing a case. I wasn't springing anything new on him. This wasn't an attack or a power play. But he didn't hear those things because he was intentionally holding onto the feelings. He said so himself...

Not telling him what you want to go to MC for is a power play. You said so yourself: you wanted to prevent him from discussing it beforehand.

But you had another way to do that: you could have told him the subject of what you wanted to discuss and then just not discussed it until you were in MC.

Your words said that you weren’t planning an ambush or preparing a case, but your actions suggested you were. So he felt he had to hold on to the nervous system fear rather than let his guard down and get blindsided again.

[Edited to remove double post]

[This message edited by limerickence at 7:47 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]

Not telling him what you want to go to MC for is a power play. You said so yourself: you wanted to prevent him from discussing it beforehand.

There is a distinct difference between making a power play with the intention of gaining some advantage over another person, and making a decision as a means to avoid arguments that threaten your sanity and well-being... I'm handling triggers from my childhood trauma better now, but that doesn't mean they're gone. Sometimes the way the arguments between my H and I go are so similar to the way my stepdad and I argued, so triggering, that I literally consider suicide so I don't have to endure the situation or process the idea that maybe, just maybe, my husband and father of mychildren is just like my childhood abuser. I do not feel safe when this shit happens. I wanted to discuss the issues in a place of safety, with an onlooker who could help confirm or dispel my fears and protect my grip on reality...

So no. I don't see that as a "power play," and I refuse to engage in further discussion of such a baseless categorization of my decision.

I can't speak for your husband, of course. I can only share my experiences and what I've come to understand from other BHs in general. So, forgive me if there's a bit of projecting here.

The anger I felt was pervasive, affecting every aspect of my life. I understand that you're trying to draw a distinction between his general anger and this specific situation regarding MC, but I'd imagine that's not so easy for him to do.

When you say it's not reality based and that he could work through the trigger it seems reasonable enough. Unfortunately, this is his reality right now.

Trust issues are probably a big part of his reluctance to go to MC, as well.

I understand why you feel the urgency of the situation. I understand, as well as I'm able, the affects this is having on you, too. But! (there's always a "but," right?) I think you're trying to rush this too much, which is why I keep encouraging you to have patience.

I just wanted to clarify and express my bewilderment at their willful retention in this particular situation, because I just cannot do that myself.

Is that a deal-breaker for you or do you think cutting him a little slack is in order?

We all process trauma differently. I don't know if there's a right or wrong way to do this. I can only say that doing so is the right course of action and that it takes time. I hope your BH is working through it all as well as he's able, because, as you said, letting it fester will eat him alive. You can certainly ask him if there's anything you can do to help, but it's only help. He has to do this on his own, for himself.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself and doing what you can to heal your own foo shit. I know those wounds are deep and powerful and I'm so very sorry you've had to suffer because of them. You have a good heart, Morbs. I believe in you. I believe one way or another you'll get through this and find your peace.

You have a good heart, Morbs. I believe in you. I believe one way or another you'll get through this and find your peace.

I second this. I've read most of your posts... and I mean most of them. I've witnessed some impressive and difficult changes in you, much for the better. I know you haven't had an easy upbringing and change can be difficult under those circumstances. Underneath it all I sense a very bright and thoughtful person with a good heart. I hope you continue on the path you've been forging over the last several months.

There is no "his reality" or "my reality." There is one Reality, and then there are our perceptions of it, and the feelings that result from our perceptions of it. Sometimes we have to reach around our perceptions for indicators of what the Reality is. It's a scientific process, really. Observation -> hypothesis -> test hypothesis -> reject or fail to reject hypothesis -> adjust hypothesis -> test again... -> ground oneself in a better understanding of Reality -> make better informed decisions and manage emotions accordingly.

Trust issues are probably a big part of his reluctance to go to MC, as well.

The trust thing is huge, both with me having broken it with infidelity and having approached MC terribly last time. I also think he thinks of MC as something people go to when they're on the verge of divorce, and that "having to go" indicates some kind of failure on our part to communicate properly. (I will verify that. Don't want to make assumptions...) I'm hoping that he starts to bank enough positive experiences with me and MC that the trust can begin to be rebuilt, and he can see MC as just another tool we can use to help us make our marriage stronger, without feeling shame for using it.

Is that a deal-breaker for you or do you think cutting him a little slack is in order?

No, it's not a dealbreaker. I just hope he'll employ good accounting practices with the Trust Bank, if that makes sense. Like, actually add to the account the good, trust-building experiences, subtract the bad, trust-reducing experiences (for his own sake), have the balance reflect accurately, and for him to treat the balance as guiding data... I don't want to say "I want him to be more objective about it" because that comes across as more cold and demanding than I mean, but I hope he doesn't let the trauma bias and hinder the process by which trust is rebuilt forever, you know?

For example, he suspected the whole power play/spring new shit on him/build a case against him thing, and that's not how the appointment went. I'm hoping that makes him go, "Oh. I built up this whole story in my head based on these feelings and that's not how it played out. I should remember that next time I'm feeling this way and take a moment to evaluate whether I'm telling myself stories again, or if there's evidence to support that my feelings are really trying to tell me something and protect me." Or, at least, that he thinks that way eventually. I'm trying really hard not to rush it. As you said, to have patience. And I could probably stand to employ that evaluation process a bit better too.

Thank you guys again so much for your grounding words, support, and recognition. It really means so, so much to me. 💙

Maybe I could have delivered my attempts at reassurance more softly so that they were actually.. y'know, reassuring. Next time.