SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (M38) have been married for 13 years, together 17, with two sons (9 and 11). Until a couple of months ago, I thought our marriage—while imperfect—was solid. Then I found out my wife (F38) had developed a deep emotional connection with a coworker (M53, married, recently demoted at work, lives in another state).

They both work remotely. They travel together for work, text/call, and have shared flight details. She’s admitted attraction, but frames it as "emotional, not sexual." She says being with him makes her feel alive, seen, and cared for. She told me she doesn’t think she can resist seeing him during upcoming trips.

Since disclosure, we’ve started couples therapy and individual therapy. I’ve set a boundary that I’m not okay with her having personal contact with him, but she keeps saying she needs to "figure it out on her own." She says she isn’t ready to cut it off permanently, maybe just limit contact "while we’re in this process."

Where we stand now:

She says she isn’t emotionally connected to me right now.

She doesn’t want to lose our family or life together, but also doesn’t want to live without "passion."

She’s asked for space and time to sort through her feelings.

I’m struggling with severe anxiety, trying to cope, in therapy and working on myself.

I’m stuck in limbo—desperately wanting to save our marriage, but feeling disrespected and invisible while she keeps this tie to him. She admits she’s comparing me to him, even though she knows it’s unfair.

Why I’m Here:
I don’t know how to handle this waiting game. I feel like my life is on hold while she decides whether I’m "enough." I want to be the best father to my boys, and I want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally in the meantime.

How do others survive this stage? How do I give her "space" without feeling like I’m being slowly erased?

Find the affair partners wife and notify her. In the majority of cases that will be the end it fast.

I am going straight to your right to the answer of NO when she says she is going to continue seeing him. Right now you don’t have a marriage. Once someone transfers their loyalty to a third party they have nullified their primary relationship.

You are hoping she will see the light. Please be honest with yourself. You are asking her to consider your feelings. She had said she will not. He is now more important to her than you.

You need to see an attorney immediately. You need to see a doctor if you are having anxiety, trouble sleeping, trouble eating. You need to look after your health.

Sorry you’re here.

This is not going to end well. It’s never going to be the way it was.

It might not be sexual for her, but it probably is for him, and if it hasn’t happened yet, it will. Even if that’s not what she’s really after, she’ll give him what he wants to maintain the relationship. (The old saw: men will provide a relationship to get sex; women will provide sex to get a relationship.)

See a lawyer.

Don’t sleep with her until she gets tested for STDs. She’s probably not his only side piece. She’s being stupid; no reason for you to be.

See if you can get in touch with his wife and let her know what’s going on.

Best wishes.

Your wife has chosen to continue the affair rather than save her marriage. Anything she does to supposedly work on the marriage will not work as long as the affair continues. He is new and exciting so whatever you do won’t be good enough and whatever he does will be amazing in her eyes. If she truly wants to save the marriage she needs to cut him off and change jobs so she doesn’t need to see him. If they travel together it’s also a safe bet that while she won’t admit it to you right now, it likely has already been physical. You should see a lawyer and let her know you are doing that and start separating yourself from her. Do not go to marriage counseling, it will fail miserably since she is still in the affair, she needs to choose the marriage before that could have any chance of working. There is no point talking about reconciliation until she takes the initiative to end the affair and starts to do the work to rebuild your trust if that’s possible. Before that happens you need to take care of yourself. Focus on yourself, stop talking to her, stop spending time with her, stop providing her any support. It will do you no good while she continues the affair. She has chosen him over you and so the consequence is she no longer has access to you. Keeping you in limbo is not fair to you. As a married woman she doesn’t have the right to try out a new relationship while you sit at home with the kids so she can decide whether she wants him or you. She either recommits now to marriage and tries to make it work or she chooses him (which at this point she has) and you have her served divorce papers.

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 6:55 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Agree with Cooley. See an attorney, protect you and your children.

Drop the marriage counseling. You can't fight for your marriage, your wife has checked out. She wants time, give her 24 hours to decide. She told you how she feels, believe her.

Contact the APs wife, she deserves to know.

There is a good chance this is more than emotional, get STD testing.

Reconciliation is extremely difficult even when both are all in. Get the book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it and give it to her. It's a guide IF YOU decide to try reconciliation.

Know,

Sorry you had need to find this place. Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180. If you’re doing any form of the pick me dance, stop immediately. You can’t nice her back into the marriage, she sees this as permission to have her husband, family and her boyfriend. As long as having you and her affair partner is an option she will continue to choose it.

They travel together for work, text/call, and have shared flight details.

If she continues in her affair she should return from her next trip to her things being moved to a spare room.

If you haven’t already, find AP’s betrayed wife and inform her immediately. 9 times out of 10 they’re interested in nsa sex, not losing half their shit and going 50/50 with the kids. Being thrown under the bus can be an educational moment for a wayward.

As long as she is in this affair I think this is the perfect situation for you to implement the 180. You will find it in The Healing Library under Frequently Asked Questions. It is under BS FAQ, Question #11.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

The purpose of the 180 is not to punish her, nor to manipulate her in returning to you. The purpose is for you to gain some space (head space) from her so that you can start thinking clearly about your situation.

When using the 180 you are not mean nor abrasive. You remain cordial and cheerful. I have used this analogy in the past. Suppose a stranger comes up to you on the street. They are looking confused and approach you asking for directions. You would not be rude... instead you would probably smile and in an impartial manner give them the directions they asked for. Then you would probably tell them to have a good day.

The 180 has 33 points.

Point 12 is "Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent".

Point 17 is "Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing".

Point 19 is "All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!".

Point 20 is "Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!".

Right now I get the impression you might be doing the "Pick Me Dance" by going to couples therapy while she is still having an affair. We all have done it in one form or fashion. Most veterans will tell you that it never works.

I hope it goes well for you and wish you good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

"Deep emotional connection" "can't resist seeing him".

Look, my wife had an EA, not unlike what your a describing here. It took the typical 3-5 year healing time for us to R. Your wife is not making the marriage a priority, she is making her affair the priority.

Fun fact "figure it out" and "having space" is just cheater for "picking both until I'm not allowed to pick both anymore".

The neat part about cheating is that you almost certainly have it framed wrong in your head. Even your wife is basically deluding her self that there is some sort of "decision" to make. There isn't. She will choose both. You, her committed husband, and him her exciting lover.

As to whether or not you are *actually* emotionally disconnected, I can't speak to. That is maybe an environmental factor that she is using to give herself permission to cheat, or it could be a complete fabrication she is using to give herself permission to cheat. Either way, the decision to cheat is something she owns.

Since your wife is already cheating on you and dating another man, you have to decide if you are willing to live with that or not.

I'm sure another famous member will be here soon to give you the long version, but the short version is "You can figure out whatever you need to figure out, but not as my wife. I will not share you with another man."

Sorry you are going through this.

One more time in short:

Why I’m Here:
I don’t know how to handle this waiting game. I feel like my life is on hold while she decides whether I’m "enough." I want to be the best father to my boys, and I want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally in the meantime.

How do others survive this stage? How do I give her "space" without feeling like I’m being slowly erased?

She isn't going to decide, she will choose both. You have to make the move to get out from infidelity. The cheating will only get worse with time.

Agree with others here. You need to tell the "other betrayed spouse" about his affair with your wife.

Your wife’s emotional affair with her coworker is a serious betrayal, and her refusal to fully end contact shows she’s prioritizing her feelings for him over your marriage. She’s admitted to an attraction and a "deep emotional connection," which, despite her claim of it being non-sexual, is likely physical or heading there, especially given their shared work travel. Her request for "space" and to "figure it out" is a common tactic to keep both you and her affair partner, leaving you in painful limbo.
The "pick me dance"—trying to win her back through couples therapy or niceness—won’t work while she’s still engaged in the affair. It signals to her that she can have both you and him without consequences. Instead, you need to protect yourself emotionally by implementing the 180 (SurvivingInfidelity.com Healing Library, BS FAQ #11). This means being cordial but detached, focusing on your own strength and independence, and avoiding marriage discussions until she fully commits to ending the affair.
Notifying the coworker’s spouse is a critical step. Gather any evidence (texts, call logs, travel details) and share it with her calmly and factually. In most cases, this disrupts the affair, as the coworker likely values his own marriage and stability over a side relationship. Avoid warning him directly, as it could allow him to cover his tracks or manipulate the situation.
Consult a lawyer immediately to understand your rights regarding asset division, spousal support, and child custody. Knowledge is power, and being prepared will help you feel less helpless, regardless of whether you pursue divorce. Additionally, get tested for STDs, as the affair may already be physical, even if she denies it. Protect your health and your children’s stability above all else.
Couples therapy is ineffective while she’s still in contact with her affair partner. It’s like trying to fix a sinking ship without plugging the hole. She needs to cut all non-work contact with him and, ideally, change jobs to avoid future interactions. If she’s unwilling to do this, she’s choosing the affair over your marriage, and you need to act accordingly to preserve your dignity.
Focus on yourself and your boys. Engage in individual therapy to manage your anxiety and build resilience. Stop chasing her or begging for her to choose you—it only deepens your pain and gives her more power. Instead, set a firm boundary: she ends the affair completely, or she faces consequences, such as separation or divorce proceedings. This isn’t about punishment but about valuing yourself.
Confront her calmly and directly: "I know about your affair. You can figure out your feelings, but not as my wife. I won’t share you. End all contact with him, or we’re done." Her response will show her priorities. If she continues the affair, prioritize your emotional and legal protection. You deserve a partner who chooses you unequivocally.
TLDR Action Plan:
•Implement the 180 to detach emotionally and gain clarity.
•Gather evidence and inform the coworker’s spouse.
•Consult a lawyer to understand divorce, custody, and asset options.
•Get STD tested.
•Stop couples therapy until she ends the affair.
•Confront her: "End the affair or we’re done."
•Focus on yourself and your kids, not on saving her.

Right now your wife is in complete control of the situation and has chosen to continue her affair even though she knows how much it hurts you. She doesn’t care because she doesn’t think you will leave so she thinks she can have you at home to take care of the kids, pay the bills and be her friend and have her boyfriend too. To have any chance of getting her back you need to show her that you are willing to leave and divorce her over this ongoing betrayal. You need to do the 180, take care of your self and the kids and show her that you are moving on without her.

What she is doing by continuing her affair while still living with you goes beyond betrayal to complete disrespect for you, your children and obviously your marriage but she doesn’t care cause she thinks she can away with it.

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 9:38 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Thanks to everyone that has responded. Not the things I wanted to hear, but things I needed to hear. Therapy tomorrow and for the foreseeable damn future.

It has to be hard to read the advice you have been given. Unfortunately, I'm going to pile one more thing on here that, unfortunately, is an absolute fact:

No matter how badly you want your marriage; no matter how hard you work at it; no matter how hard you fight for it--you can't save the marriage by yourself.

So what do you do? Things that you do NOT want to do, but will need to do so to give you the best results moving forward, with or without your wife. You need to put yourself first. You need to respond to the person who is standing in front of you today---not the person that you remember them to be. As difficult as it is, try to look at this from the outside peering in, like if it was a friend who was in your current situation. Would you tell him to sit back, and give his cheating(because that is exactly what she is doing) wife *space*, or would you tell him that he is worth more than that, and he isn't supposed to be an option in his own marriage? Would you tell him to sit back, or to try...as best as he can...to take back control of his life?

One other bitter pill to potentially swallow--your wife could choose to divorce. You have no control over another person's life, just your own. So, if she is telling you, but MORE importantly showing you that she is not committed to the marriage, you need to act based off of that. If you choose to wait, that is your decision to make, as it is your life. But not many here are going to recommend that. There is a wise saying that you should never treat a person as a priority who is only treating you as an option.

I know this sucks. There is no easy way out of infidelity, but there are less tortuous paths. That is what we are going to try and show you.

Somebody smart, I suppose, once said:

"The worst thing that can happen to you in life is to love someone more than they love you."

Hurts like hell, I know.

Do what you believe is best for your children. You’re the person that for sure, you’re going to live the rest of your life with.

You can’t change the past; you can’t change her. Do the best you can with the future.

Best wishes.

As someone who has been there, it wasn’t until my wife saw that I was ready to leave and had to face the actual possibility of divorce that she woke up, ended the affair and committed to the marriage. Now your wife may not do that, she may still choose him but you have no chance of her choosing you unless you take control and show her that you are ready to leave and file for divorce. Everyone here is giving you the right advice, most unfortunately from experience, she needs to end the affair immediately, go no contact with him and change jobs. By not doing that she is choosing him and you need to start the process of disconnecting from her and start the divorce process. While she maintains control she will continue the affair and will take advantage of you until she is secure enough with him to leave. The longer you allow it continue, the more likely that will be the outcome. She is married and when you are married you have no right to space to try out and explore a relationship with another man and that is exactly what she is doing.

[This message edited by Rfv3311 at 12:29 AM, Wednesday, September 17th]

All of this advice makes sense of course. Truth of the matter is, I'm not ready to walk away at this point. I am not going to threaten something I'm not prepared to act on. I have looked extensively into divorce and different scenarios and what that looks like. It's an extremely tough pill to swallow. With our current situation, we do well with our combined incomes to live comfortably in our home and afford most of the things we want to do for our kids and our lives. My wife is the primary breadwinner. I make a decent living, but not nearly what she does. For us, divorce looks like a dramatic drop in living standards not only for us, but most importantly for our kids. We live in an expensive area. Either you need two people making good money to afford it or one person making A LOT of money on their own. All of our family is here. We grew up here, went to school here etc. It likely means having to move out of our home for them, away from their school, away from their friends. I am having trouble coming to terms with that. This is all a big sob story, I am sure it isn't anything that some of you all haven't stared at directly as well. For me, im still coming to terms with this situation and making a lot of mistakes along the way. Im certainly a people pleaser, peacemaker and non confrontational, so this situation was made to make me feel and look like a fool. Im guilty of the "pick me" behavior. Im also blaming myself for this happening. I am at least aware and trying to implement the 180. Im doing a lot of good things right now. Im kicking azz with my kids, taking care of myself physically, taking care of our home and lives, learning a ton about myself and working on my issues in IC. A younger version of me would have been completely destroyed by this and turned to food, booze or drugs to escape. I am not escaping. I am facing it every day. Which is probably why my anxiety is through the damn roof. That is also being addressed with my doctor and therapy. I appreciate everyone here and their words. One day at a time. Im learning every damn day.

Thats an honest response and very understandable. You are right many have been in your situation with financial and child concerns. Its your life. Everyone moves st their own pace. My advice is to always value yourself. As long as your WW remains in her A, continue to do the 180 and detach. As your WW gets deeper in her A and rubs it in your face, you will re-evaluate your choices. We all do.

Remember you are in control. You decide what you will tolerate.

Remember nothing you did or didn't do in your M caused your WW to cheat. You are not a perfect partner, but neither is your WW. But you did not decide to cheat. She has been unfaithful because she is broken.

Good luck.

Money and comfort are always at the top of our minds because we are conditioned to think that way. Fiscal security is just one aspect to happiness, which is the real goal.

You will not be happy. You need to be able to lose a marriage in order to save a marriage is probably the most frequently used term on this site and for good reason.

You value family and money. She puts her boyfriend above both. On that alone your values are misaligned the marriage is fundamentally broken. Neither you nor your kids deserve to live in a home where that kind of poison is allowed to exist.

These are very hard actions. I commend you for having the courage to put your feelings out there. Please take my advice in the kind delivery that I intended. Blunt posts make me feel bad sometimes:)

I just passed 10 years after my first day.

Let me add some translation based on my experience:

Where we stand now:

She says she isn’t emotionally connected to me right now. - She is emotionally connected to her AP and can’t be emotionally connected to two men at the same time. She’s chosen him, believe her.

She doesn’t want to lose our family or life together, but also doesn’t want to live without "passion." - of course she doesn’t want to upend her fantasy life. She wants to pursue the relationship that’s giving her "tingles", like a teenager, and have you at home, safe and there to maintain the home front.

She’s asked for space and time to sort through her feelings. - She wants time to pursue her new relationship and see if it is worth leaving and upending her family.

I’m struggling with severe anxiety, trying to cope, in therapy and working on myself. - No doubt! This was the absolute worst period of my life, by far.

Like my wife, your wife isn’t feeling any real consequences for her actions. My wife said a lot of things but her actual effort didn’t match.

This is a long slog and to be honest, I do t think I would do it over again. It would have been less pain and lost time by divorcing.

I totally understand the hesitation, but she isn’t going to "wake up" until she faces consequences.

You haven’t told us much about the affair. We know the OM is older, married and recently demoted. We know she has an emotional attachment.
Can you elaborate on how that attachment is shown? Is it in cute notes, or is she smitten by his eloquent views on European art? Are they sharing "I love you" or personal notes? Is it mutual or one-sided? Does he respond? How did you find out?
Why was he demoted?
Is he in any way a manager in her work-hierarchy?
Does his wife know or share your concern?

Does your therapist acknowledge the existence and the possible damage of emotional affairs? (It’s a valid question – many don’t. EA’s werent’ really acknowledged until the ground-breaking work of Dr. Shirley Glass in about 1980-90. In fact – her book Not Just Friends should be on both your nightstands and you two doing the work outlined in that book).

Knowing this can help us with our advice.

I think the advice offered on this site is based on two main factors: It’s based on our personal experience, and if we solely base our advice on that then it can be pretty hit-and-miss. However, it’s also based on accumulated experience on this site. I think that combination – our personal experience that let’s us understand the chaos and pain and the accumulated experience that allows us to see what works and what doesn’t – is what makes this site work.

Gently because I don’t want to scare you away...
I don’t think the previous posters were suggesting you file for divorce right away. I think they were suggesting that you don’t accept your wife having an affair. That suggestion doesn’t automatically lead to a divorce, but if you go along with not accepting your wife has an affair it should lead you out of infidelity – either through reconciliation or divorce.

I suggest you read your last post with a critical mindset.
What you are saying is that due to financial and lifestyle reasons you have to accept that your wife has an affair/affairs...

If the communications between your wife and OM contain terms of endearment like darling, my love or anything like that... Friend – this isn’t junior high. She isn’t hoping he asks her to the Prom. Our COLLECTIVE experience shows that emotional affairs tend to lead to physical affairs. Especially if the two participants have the opportunity. Such as staying at the same hotels, travelling on the same flights to the same locations.

I would guestimate that the odds of this being physical are high.
I would guestimate that the odds of this BECOMING physical are in the 8/10 range.

I would also state that IF this is physical or becomes physical while your wife knows you know of the affair and are this passive or neutral will cause IMMENSE damage to her stance on reconciling. Might stay married, but probably with such a deep abyss between the two of you that it will never be a marriage per se.

Once again: read your last post. You are stating that for financial reasons you can’t divorce or even contemplate divorce.
Imagine this scenario: A person is standing 10 feet away from you carrying the very same knife they used to stab you ten minutes ago. You managed to find a gun and are pointing it at the person demanding they put down the knife. You have no wish or interest in shooting to kill, but what do you do if that person advances? If that person KNOWS you won’t shoot no matter what.

That’s where you have placed yourself. If your wife knows that no matter what she does you will still be there and that it’s convenient because together you make a decent living and it’s a nice house and your lasagna is quite good and you two have a good time at Disney with the kids and occasional sex is OK... then that’s what you are going to get.

She knows it will only cost her that you might be grumpy for a few days she lets you know that there is a meeting she has to attend at some resort-town next Valentines. She tells you she has to meet with a customer for dinner next Saturday evening and get’s all dressed up in the short black cocktail dress. Might be all innocent and maybe there is a customer – but where will your mind be? What will your thoughts be?

We aren’t saying you need to file – but you need to make it clear to her that while she contemplates if she wants this marriage for other reasons than it’s economical practicality then you too are contemplating if you can accept being a quasi-husband.

Once again – gently – there are numerous examples throughout life and history of people knowing off their spouses lovers. I recall a former French president where at his funeral his widow and family walked behind the casket, followed some yards behind by his mistress and their daughter. Some can accept that – others can’t.
In which group are you?