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We are working towards reconciliation….hes in 12 step and has consistently been seeing a therapist…I believe he’s "doing the work" maybe it’s slower than I’d like but self awareness takes time and healing take time. . Id love to to hear from others what healthy boundaries were set for reconciliation.
Relapse? (Porn)
Lying by omission?
Not practicing self care ?

What were "Yellow light" things and what were " red light " things and what were the boundaries/consequences set. I’m working in this for myself. I hope this makes sense- I think it will to those who have done this sort of work

Oversimplified - if you wouldn't want me doing it to/with someone [weather anyone knows or not] you shouldn't be doing it either.

In other words be a responsible monogamous adult.

I'm his wife. Not his parent, teacher, warden, or clergy. He's my husband - act like it.

At this stage of the game - there is no "yellow". You either good/"green" or red flag. Nothing in-between.

For me it was honesty. I stayed as long as she was honest with herself, with me, and with others. I expected myself to impose consequences if she was dishonest, but I was never tested by dishonesty, for which I am very grateful.

He came up with almost all of the actions voluntarily and organically:

Absolute honesty in everything. Physical and emotional closeness. We do many more things together and plan our time together instead of independently. Being there physically (when possible) and emotionally when I am triggered.

Before I knew the whole story He voluntarily went off all social media and deleted all accounts. I agree it needed to stay this way. He is off his phone when we are together.

He voluntarily stopped abusing porn before he confessed.

Early on I added No interactions with any women online or in person without me except for business clients and he is to ignore any social media connections with clients or potential clients so there is never any confusion that there is a personal relationship there.

We moved our home offices into a shared space and he only uses his original office downstairs (where all his secret acticity happened) for zoom meetings and the door stays open.

He is voluntarily crystal clear about where he is going and what he is doing - even within the home, and frequently (like every 1 - 2 hrs) comes to check in with me if I'm not working in our office.

We have also agreed that he will let me know of any relapses to porn use or even a temptation for innapropriate behviour.

Accountbility software is out (my decision as I am not going to police- if I felt I needed to he would be gone) we have also decided against 12 step programs and group support, but we are still debating IC.

Me finding out he has relapsed and used porn or contacted any women without him confessing immediately is a deal breaker and he will be leaving the home immediately.

I am not worried about him not keeping true to this for the immediate time as he is truly contrite and remorsefully, it's the future I worry about as we've been down this road before (except I didn't know abot the porn abuse) and eventually the boundaries eroded after about 6 years. This time though , i've made it clear to him he is gone if he cannot keep his boundaries rock solid.

Good question! I look forward to other responses. But I agree with Chaos, there should be no yellow. My WH has lied by omission, claiming he was trying to protect and not hurt me more. It hurt even MORE. Still trying to process this at almost 3 years post DD, but the last lie by omission (and me directly asking and him lying again… to protect me) was just this past April. Sad.

Possum-

I got this previously - the excuse to "not hurt me" as the reason whenever he lied, lied by ommission, half-truths or said I don't remember. Is now admitted to not really being to not hurt me but more about shame and not being able to face the truth himself.

I begged and begged for truth as the lies hurt as much as the actions. Even when he would say yes you are correct to something I asked, I asked him to say it, not just agree with what I figured out.

He finally figured it out that compete and total honesty in everything was the only way to save our marriagea and himself no matter how much the truth hurt us both. as he was on a path if self destruction blowing us up in the process. and voluntarily confessed to something I had no clue about. Now I believe him.